This is going to be long so that I can give anyone who reads this the proper perspective. I may not belong here specifically because my partner and I were never married. We had an 11 year relationship, 2 children, and own a house together. She had been telling me for the last coupld of years that she was not happy. She wanted me to go to counseling and talk to her more. I had a strssful job that I brought home and was at times short and not pleasant to be around. Nothing physical, just easily upset. I was afraid of counseling and would feel this intense pressure when she wanted to talk and I usually would close up. I basically took her for granted as the years passed and was not always quick to send the flowers or cards anymore.
In September 2002 I came home from work one day and was miserable. She told me that day she had had enough and wanted me to move out for awhile so she could get some space from us. I refused to move and we argued off and on about who should move. Eventually she did in January 2003. She left telling me that she needed some time to figure herself out. I was not happy but understood and felt that some time would heal things.
A couple weeks after she left, I found out that she was seen with a male who is the brother of one of her girlfriends. It turns out that he became a shoulder to cry on when she talked to her girlfriend and listened to her and remains that to this day. Sound like a familiar chain of events. She has said that she doesn't want anything serious with him but enjoys his company and the attention.
I began pleading and begging for her return, all of the ususal knee jerk reactions. She listened to some of it and seemed interested at times and asked what if questions regarding how are relationship would be if she returned. I made the usual promises without much thought and she would not accept them. She continued to say she needed time etc... and asked that I leave her alone regarding my feelins. I fell off of the wagon a few times but was able to recover. I began counseling and soul searched within myself to realize what things I needed to change and how to improve my relationship skills. I was doing things similar to Plan A (obtained from a different source) Things seemed to be going ok with ups and downs and occasional relapses on my part when I became emotional, usually upset but sometimes angry.
We would have long talks and she would tell me how confused that she was and that she did not realize that I cared and felt for her the way that I do. She never made any promises and continued asking for time. I communicated with her good friend (also my friend) on a limited basis and she told me of positive comments my other half would make regarding me and her doubts and problems with this new man. He has possessive and controlling issues and has been divorced twice for adultery. I kept my hope up and tried to remain positive.
The other day, after a couple of weeks of good, non-conflict communication, she said more adimantly that she did not "see" us getting back together but would never say never. She said that she was afraid to try again with me out of fear that things would end up the same and she had concerns that I could not forgive her for this relationship. I assured her that I had done a lot of work and was continuing with myself. My job at work changed and my stress level is greatly diminished. She told me to "move on and see what else is out there". She also informed me that she has seen the changes that I have made and said that she felt that this new person has changed his ways too. Many of my faults were from outside sources (work stress) and my inability to communicate. Some of his issues, I feel, are more a personality trait that may or may not be resolved. I guess her opinion is what counts though.
Anyway, I became angry and bad mouthed this guy about these traits and history(wrong I know). A day later she then found out about the communication with her friend and she blew up and said that I was trying to manipulate her friends against her etc... She then told me that any hope is now lost of us getting back together. She told me that even if she felt like she wanted to, she never would come back because of her pride. She really feels betrayed about this communication and is angry at both of us. I was only seeking advice and guidance, not manipulation. She told me that she wants no communication except when dealing with our children. I was just about to move from the Plan A concept, wanting to end on a positive note and move to some seperation and less communication.
My question is what should I do now. I certainly have ended on a negative note and she wants seperation more than ever. Should I give her some time to cool off, move to better terms about what happened and then back off again. Should I just back off and leave it all alone for a while? She is a very forgiving person but she is so angry right now. Do I have hope? Anyone with some constructive thought please. This woman is the one.