I am about to be dating again, and I would like to ask for opinions about when does one start to reveal things about yourself that are not complimentary.

In my particular example, I am a FWS that had a ONS 3.5 years ago. I paid for that with one lost marriage, two lost friendships, a lost job and 3 years of insomnia. As a lurker here, I have benefited from reading many points of view. This board made me realize that I also fell under the OM category. And wouldn't you know it; I also qualify as a BS. I would rather die, than be a WS or OM again. Why would I *ever* touch that hot stove again?

In any case, I would like to have an open and honest relationship in the future. One thing that concerns me greatly is how my past is going to have an impact. I have already crashed and burned once, and I bet it won't be the last time.

Back when this board had a poll feature, I considered posting a poll that went something like this:

When would you reveal a past betrayal to possible future mate?

a) Put it right in the personal ad; I want to avoid you like the plague
b) When asked about my past
c) An opportunity to tell will present itself
d) When we fill out Harley's personal history questionnaire
e) Before the engagement
f) During the engagement
g) After the wedding
h) Never, keep that secret hidden forever

BTW, the personal history questionnaire contains an NDA and non-punishment clause.

There is a bright side. After D-Day, I implemented immediate NC, when to counseling, and did a pretty respectable plan A. There was a short period of waffling, that didn’t help. We tried to recover. She divorced me because she could not take the extreme pain. I never lied to her and she still trusts me. My kids live with me full time and they miss seeing their mom on a daily basis.

I am also concerned that I won’t be able to make the time to build a new relationship.

All thoughtful replies would are appreciated.

Your quote in your signature line, should tell you when you should reveal the information...

If I were dating someone with a similar history of yours, I would think that I would need to know before things got too serious. It is only fair to both in a relationship that A, B, C, or D is appropriate.

If you do it too late, it will be damaging to the relationship because it will arouse suspicions, etc. Also, many feelings will be hurt due to the depth of the relationship.

If it is done early, before things get too heavy, you can spare yourself heartache of losing someone you care deeply about because you held a secret too long. Also, if you reveal this information, and someone accepts it, you will know that the person accepts you, even with your past.

I admire that you had the courage to be honest before...Even though it hurt to reveal the truth, it doesn't mean that honesty is a bad policy.

I am of another opinion. Somebody told me "You always have to tell the truth but you don't always have to be telling it." Meaning...if the question comes up, be honest and forthright and give the answer to the question asked.

IMO, my past is my past...meaning that since I met my husband, he has every right to know what I've done but before that he really doesn't. Case in point, he said to me once (or twice) that if he knew that I'd ever had a relationship with a certain kind of person, he'd leave me and divorce me. Frankly, what I did before I ever knew he existed is none of his business. He has never out and out asked me if I had one. And I didn't volunteer the info.

Conversely, who he dated and/or slept with before we met, is really none of my business.

And just because someone did something in the past, doesn't mean they will do it again. What affects me is what my husband does NOW. If my husband cheated on a previous gf but is faithful to me, how could the knowledge of the other benefit me? I'm sorry, I don't believe in double jeopardy.

OK, keeping in mind that I bear a rather extreme personal abhorrence for the idea that I might misrepresent myself, my answer is...

The time to tell is when you believe it might possibly make a difference in your relationship. And when in doubt, tell.

If a relationship reaches the point where you start thinking and talking about commitment, then a history of infidelity becomes relevant. But as long as you're only in the just-getting-to-know-one-another stage of a relationship, where you are investigating compatibility of personalities and interests, I don't think it's necessarily appropriate for dirty laundry to be aired. It could be appropriate at that stage if the subject comes up, however. For example, if you were on a date with a woman who threw out a comment to the effect that she would never want to date a man who had ever cheated on his wife, I think you would be well advised to confess right then and there. (With more knowledge of how the experience had affected you, she might discover that her standards are not so rigid as she had thought; whereas if you conceal the truth from her at that time and she learns later - even if you are the one who tells her later - it might never be possible to recover fully from the loss of trust. Once you hide the truth from someone because you are afraid of how that person might react, your trustworthiness will always be in doubt.)