I spend most of my surfing moments on the Emotional Needs page...as I am still married...

But I have a question to all...

If you are divorced with children, and if somehow you "could", do you wish you had stayed married for the benefit of the children?

If you stayed/are still married, perhaps only for the kids, do you now think that you should have divorced when they were younger?

Your answers will not determine a sudden decision....worry not. But I of course ask myself everyday what is best for my three daughters...and if only I could look into the future and know. Obviously every situation is different and some have very obvious choices (such as abuse). This is why I ask you, the "masses", what you all think/feel/have learned.

Thanks!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by bp22:
<strong>If you are divorced with children, and if somehow you "could", do you wish you had stayed married for the benefit of the children?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NOPE... Natta... Not at all.

I, too, have three beautiful girls and want nothing more than for them to grow up happy and healthy. BUT, in the marriage that I was in that couldn't happen. They saw all of the worst things about life and had we stayed married they would have lived it as well.

Now they have the opportunity to see how two seperate people live and make the lifestyle choices on their own.

I do not believe you should stay married for your children, but I do believe that every attempt should be made to save the marriage for the children. I'm recently divorced and I don't think any attempts were made by my wife to save us. Of course is you see my sig you will see the story. I would do anything in the worlds for my little boy. If we did'nt have him I would have left her after discovering the affair but for him I decided to work things out. The kids are the losers in the whole situtation. The adults get on with their lives but the children are forced to live a life without their parents together. I do know now that my EX feels she made a bad decision on deciding to divorce. But can I try and make things work now for our son? I would love to but given her history I don't think I could put myself through it even though he wopuld have us together. If each side lets their children know how much they love and care for them they will turn out fine. My parents divorced when I was 3 and I turned out just fine.

I would have done anything to keep our family together and is the main reason that I've tried really hard so far. My WH had been a wonderful father prior to the A - and has continued to be a fairly decent parent to the older child even after the A began (I, too, would like to take a little credit for making sure they had time to spend together and trying not to let my feelings of hurt and jealousy affect my giving him access to our son - even when H was spending time with son and OW - taking pictures together, etc. and I was pregnant with our second child!!).

My two children are 3 mths and 3 years old. In some respect, I think that a D at this point will be easier on them than if we were to divorce later. Also, my relationship with my H has deterorated so much since the A that I'm sure my 3 year old is much more comfortable with each of us separately than together. A friend of mine said, "don't let anyone tell you your children are better off with the two of you together because at this point (post-A), they have been exposed to things that they shouldn't have (i.e. anger, yelling, etc)."

The choice really isn't mine to make. I would have loved to keep the marriage together not just for the children's happiness but for mine and H's too. But it will not turn out that way. I am committed to being the best parent I can and hope that my H will too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> do not believe you should stay married for your children, but I do believe that every attempt should be made to save the marriage for the children.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with this situation. First and foremost, people change as they grow up, our needs change, and so do our communication patterns.

If someone does not take the time to explore who they are in personal and marriage counseling, they are cheating themselves out of learning about what they were taught as wrong, and why they are the way they are, what they need to do to become a worthy spouse and parent.

To maintain one's selfishness and to demonstrate it to the children only perpetuates and multiplies one's poor character and lack of learning and adapting, and lack of taking responsibility for the situation and your actions.

To run away from yourself with divorce doesn't work, as yourself merely catches back up to you after the temporary lull. That is why so many second marriages fail, because most people don't fix the underlying problem, but assign the blame to what they can see around them.

What could i change:

I would have forced my X to be honest with the world, and made her tell them that this divorce is all about her, in front of everybody. Made her take full, 100 % responsibility.

I would have dragged her a$$ through court, and found the toughest lawyer possible, and torn her to shreds.

I would not have believed in any word that came out of her mouth. I jsut would have started sooner.

I would have counseled with the Harleys and i would have forced her to counsel with the Harleys.

that about sums up my thoughts.
yeah, i was too nice because i didn't understand what i do now.

wiftty