Hi all,
I just wanted to post an update on my situation. Some of you know my story and some don't. To make a long story short (hopefully) I've been married 22 years and have 4 wonderful children.

We have lived a life of misery and abuse for a lot of that 22 years. Things culminated in Dec. 02. I had been planning to file for divorce and was completly finished with my marriage. I had lost all respect and trust. My husband lied to me about anything he so chose and did what ever he chose. I couldn't live like this any longer, so I bought a divorce kit and was going to file. I was never so ready for anything in my life.

We hadn't talked except for fighting in 2 years. I did a lot of praying about the marriage and I always seemed to get the same answer from God, and that was to leave. So I left my H emotionally and then planned to leave physically. The kids were so sick of it all, they begged me to leave him. The only door I left open was I did tell God my heart would be open to change if it was His will. I really didn't think I would ever change my mind and heart. I had had it.

H came to me and asked what my intention, concerning us was. I told him I was finished and was leaving. We had our fisrt decent conversation in a long time that day. He was still defensive and blaming me for everything he had ever done. I said fine, that's why I have to do this. Later that night he came and asked me what he had to do to be able to stay. So I told him the only way I would even consider it is if he went to C, got on medication and treated us with respect and no more abuse because he was the meanest person I know. I don't think he agreed with me but he said he wanted to try.

He has done everything he said he would and more. It has been 4 months with out one incident. He is the most loving, kind, patient, helpful husband anyone could ask for. It has taken me a while to believe in him again but it has happened.

The point I would like to make is this; I had to completly let go and give up for God to work in our lives. By giveing up completly, the old hurts no longer mattered. I have been so blessed by God's healing grace that the baggage from the past is gone. We are slowly building a new relationship without the old hurts. I married him with the intention it was forever and it took me a long time to get to the point of really truly wanting out.

When we are in a situation where we are not happy, we all start playing games. We want validation and some even want revenge. As long as we are holding on to anything God cannot work effectively. I know everyone won't agree with me on that, but to surrender means to give up. If we surrender our situation to God and then we meddle in the middle of it things are going to get messed up. Even with the best of intentions, when we are hurt, our judgement is clouded.

As some of you, we had so many issues from the past, I thought we would be hurting forever. Not so. We did talk about what went wrong a little but mostly we talked about our expectations for each other for the future. Giving up does not mean you will never get your marriage back. It does mean that if you give up to get it back you can allow yourself the healing you need to have a good marriage. We must truly forgive that person and forgive ourself. Nothing is one sided, but if we don't take responsibility within ourselves for our part we will still be blaming our spouse and harboring resentment to some degree.

The question is, "Do we have enough faith in God to take care of things to totally surredender it to him or do we play tug o war when we ask for help?"

We now have a very comfortable compatable marriage and I know without a doubt we could not have this without God being at the center of it.

Maybe it's as simple as leaving the messy situation and going towards God, rather than inviting God into the middle of the mess. I don't know. I just know it worked for me.

Peace and the Power to Surrender to all
Free

<small>[ April 22, 2003, 09:59 AM: Message edited by: Free ]</small>

Thanks Free! Your thread was inspiring. This Easter I have really woken up. My H and I got divorced last month. He is having OC with OW (due in August) and he said he wanted me, but wanted to be a full time dad. I have no idea what will happen but I am finally getting to the point, where I don't think I want him. I did the Plan B letter - he got it yesterday- because we were still talking- and he was saying it helped to talk to me, but that he had to talk to OW and I am not playing that game. It finally occurred to me last night- Ok, Jesus DIED for our sins- God loves us so much He let his Son die.....and then here I am, my H pledged his life to me and to me alone, and can't even leave OW alone now- Yes, I know there is OC but you don't have to deal with OW if you don't want to, and he seems to worry more for her than for me. So if he chooses OW that he has only known since August, when he was married to me and has known me 6 years through thick and thin - then how much value does he have for me? If he cares that little, when I was willing to reconcile after all this mess, then I guess I thank God that I am only 26 years old and have no kids, so that I can find someone who can love me with a Godly love- and not a dismissive love. So I am doing much better, and your post really helped!
HAPPY EASTER- RESURRECTION DAY!!!

Hi adgirl48,

letting to is one of the most healing things we can do. It allows us to heal. It doesn't change or set the outcome of what could be, it helps us become a whole person to cope with any outcome. In posted a lengthy reply to maw64 you may want to read. I also told her of a book I recetly bought that has helped me very much. It is "Emotional Resilience" by David Viscott and can be purchased at barnes & noble online. The information in this book is changing my life as I read it. I think everyone would benefit from it.

Take care and God Bless
Free

Free,
Thanks for your help. I am a fixer and I kept thinking I should do something to fix it, or that it was my fault because of the times I got angry and we yelled and screamed and even occasionally pushed or shoved, or bruised or scratched (me, I scratched him 2 or 3 x- nasty habit I got when my brother and me fought!!) and that if I hadn't done this or that, he wouldn't have done this. But the truth is, maybe he would have. And regardless, the past is the past and I can't change it, I just have to change myself and know that God is in control. I guess i kept thinking I could change God's mind or the outcome if I just kept working harder. All I do is tire myself out though- especially when nothing seems to work. I will have to check out the book you recommended.

Hi Free...

Glad to hear that things are working out well for you.

My computer at home crashed again and I lost another hard drive. This is the third one in about 3 months.

I lost your email address when I lost the hard drive.

When you get some time... if you want to send me an email... feel free to send one. That way I have your email address again.

Keep up the good work, and I'm so happy for you and your family that everything is working well for all of you.

Prayers and blessings to you and your family.

Stay Strong!

Wallace