I am not certain I really "belong" in this website. A man from church and I are very attracted to one another. I had a very negative previous marriage... and I had an emotional aversion to a new relationship so strong that I experienced both attraction and panic attacks due to the attraction. I literally had to walk around the church parking lot for over a year so that I did not have him in my peripheral vision... because I would feel both attraction from my heart and resultant panic.<P>He never lost interest in me... but, strangely enough, we began to wound another. He responded to my "rejection" of his attempts to approach me, make eye contact, etc... and became increasingly hurt.<P>To this day... we are in an approach/avoid contact. <P>My aversion has diminished. I applied relaxation techniques and actually sat by him in church once. We conversed briefly. I still was suffering panic. <P>Our eyes light up when we are able to break through my aversion and his fear of rejection.<P>Major problem. He's everything I would want in a man. He's single. However, he has a girlfriend. Finding that out caused me to have issues about that. Whether it seems "reasonable" or not... I applied Plan A (not very well because I was having panic attacks) and then Plan B.<P>Right now it has been 1 month since I have had any personal contact. I had already left the church when I asked him to break up with his girlfriend and he waffled and then said no. FYI: I am a conservative Christian... so is he... but the relationship, per information available to me, is not a moral relationship. Scripturally then, to me, it's an affair (ie. illicit sex). I would date and, I believe, marry this man based on his other qualities. <P>if I moved out of the town, I stopped attending church there, and I stopped crossing his path.<P>He left the church after I did (he was raised in the church and is probably 42... not a church you just up and leave).<P>Last Sunday night, his cousin asked one of my friends about me... then asked my friend's daughter (a friend of my daughter's) about me and what I was up to.<P>I said he and I, because we have feelings for one another, cannot see one another even in passing unless he breaks up with his gf. I am keeping that commitment.<P>We both tried not to "play" off of each other... but we are very attracted (have been since the first time our eyes met)... and we both react emotionally if one "slights" the other. We have had power to hurt one another since the first time our eyes met. I lost my heart. Believe he did too... but he is not available. <P>So now I am waiting to see. He and I are at the same level in so many ways and such a good fit. He wasn't available... and was entrenched in an immoral relationship (to me as a Christian due to premarital sex). I believe he is addicted to the relationship and not free to relate to a Christian.<P>Comments welcome.

Hi, Laura Lee,<P>First of all, I believe anyone who either 1) is in a committed relationship and wants to improve it or 2) wants to learn how to build and maintain healthy relationships "belongs" here. So, welcome!<P>About your post, I must tell you that I was rooting for you and this man to end up together... until I got to the part where he has a girlfriend. Here is my humble opinion, for what it's worth: someone who has a girlfriend is not available. Unless you wish to be the "other woman", and I suspect you don't, there is no moral way for you to be the cause of their break-up. If any break-up is to occur, it has to be initiated by him. As an aside, from what I've seen, when a man dumps woman A to be with woman B, it's not long before woman B is dropped for woman C.<P>I am also stumped by the fact that you say he's "everything I would want in a man" even though he does not adhere to his faith the way you do (I'm referring here to premarital sex.) You say you would "date and... marry this man based on his other qualities." It sounds as if your values are very important to you, why would you be willing to overlook something so important?<P>Another problem: you asked him to end the relationship with the girlfriend, he "waffled and then said no". Perhaps he is addicted to the relationship, at the very least maybe he's unwilling to give up premarital sex. For whatever reason, he has already put up the red light to you. Now he's asking around, putting out hints, whatever, but is still with the girlfriend? I'm sorry, hon, but it sure sounds like this guy is bad news. If he's willing to ignore his faith for sex, he is probably willing to ignore faith and morality in other areas as well. <P>Keep us posted, and good luck!

Hi:<P>Certainly is a dilemma. <P>I found out that this relationship has been for 13 years. I asked him. He said he intends never to marry her. It's a relationship, to me,... of convenience. In other words, as Dr. Harley would say, it meets a need for a man.<P>I believe Dr. Harley would tell us that love is not so much a choice as an emotional (sometimes spiritual as love is spiritual also?) reaction to a person who meets our needs. This man meets every other need... except his availability.<P>I would marry him because he is kind, understanding, gentle, sensitive, tall, handsome, shares the same faith framework, and we look into one another's eyes and connect at levels I've never connected with another man.<P>In the area of walking out his faith... he's weak. Yet he is 42 perhaps... and never been married. I would suppose it is an area of temptation for a man.<P>Just like I would not give up a marriage over an affair... I will not rule out this man.<P>I have, however, severed all contact and made it clear that there will be no contact between us (not even seeing one another in passing).. as long as he is engaging in that other relationship. <P>I love him.<P>Please note that he never took this woman to church, she is never seen with him around town, and has never been seen by friends at his home. <P>His relationship with her typifies an "illicit" relationship... except he's not married.<P>I do not respect the relationship. That doesn't mean I'm willing to compete with it.<P>I do not see myself, in any factor, as the "other woman". If he remains morally weak and continues in a relationship with a woman he is willing to have sex with but intends never to marry... then he and I have no opportunity to explore the potential of our attraction, similarity, shared values, etc.<P>God bless<BR>

Maybe he is fighting feelings of sexual orientation confusion. Enjoying the company and attraction of women within a limited zone of safety, not fully addressing his own issues... ??

Hi Laura Lee,<P>First things first - I hope you enjoyed a happy and blessed Easter!<P>Wow. He's been in this other relationship for 13 years, and at 42 continues it with the intention of it never leading to marriage? Maybe Karenna's on to something... then again, maybe it's a committment issue he has? If he won't marry this woman, do you know whether that's because he isn't seeking marriage at all or just not with her?<P>If you're at peace with the other issues, then the question really becomes, how long are you willing to wait? And at what cost? Attraction is wonderful, chemistry is great, but as you said, love is a feeling that happens when someone meets your needs... there may be someone out there who meets your needs at least as well as this man, but who is more available. What opportunities might you miss by waiting to see what happens with this man? I don't want to sound like your mother, but I hope there are some limits so you don't end up getting hurt

Hi group:<P>Thank you for your comments. I appreciated Karenna's comments though I could probably be more educated. The limitted zone of safety issue is really pertinent... I can tell from the words that they apply. Yet, I haven't studied that factor of this conflict.<P>I have already been deeply hurt and want to not be further hurt. I am trying to hold my line. I said zero contact and not even seeing him in passing. I feel the pull... but if it's not going to be a clean opportunity for us to relate to one another free of an outside relationship... then we are not free to connect really.<P>I don't go to church there anymore. We were making strides. I overcame my aversion and no longer suffer panic. I am, however, hurt about him seeing his girlfriend... which really prevented me from recovering more quickly with his cooperation. (We both were drawn and pulled away from each other at the same time... him in response to my "rejection"... me in response to inbuilt aversion... and then, though I doubted it at first, I knew he had a girlfriend... and I love him and that hurt.)<P>Like Dr. Harley says, instant incompatibility... and an inability to truly meet one another's needs. <P>I'm thoroughly convinced that he loves me. In my case, I love one man. In his case... since he is seeing this girlfriend... he loves 2 women.<P>I believe, really, that we can only "really" love one. One of us is an addiction.<P>I believe he is addicted to her and doesn't love her because he won't marry her. True love, to me, commits. An unwillingness to commit indicates... the taker... getting it's needs met.<P>I believe he loves me... but is unable to give. Yep, commitment issues.<P>I'm not sure how long I will wait. I guess I want to build myself up, not be further hurt, not be in the situation, and wait to see if he breaks up with his girlfriend.<P>As I move on... I'll wait and see if I give anyone else an opportunity to be there for me.<P>Thank you very much for your comments.<P>God bless

Update...<P>I was committed to not permitting him to not see me in passing.<P>I seldom am in the town where he lives. (I moved to a new town.) I still have a family doctor there.<P>Went to town for that reason with my son yesterday. Who did I see?<P>I had an angry outburst. I don't have issues, really, with angry outbursts unless I am pushed for a very long time with no resolution... and especially in the absence of willingness to resolve the issue... as it is habitually repeated. At that point, my weakness comes through.<P>I've been doing well... but I saw him in passing. <P>The previous evening... 3 hours reading the Bible (I love to read the Bible... I love to read... and so that's not unusual for me)... and an hour or so in prayer.<P>Had the day off. Went to a Christian luncheon with the pastor speaking to business people about priorities, etc. in business.<P>So I was very much edified in the Lord (Christianese... so I'm sorry if my Christianese is not shared and it sounds foreign). <P>Bottom-line, I was doing spiritual disciplines that lead to peace.<P>However, I saw him in passing (he was pulling out of a gas station as I was driving by) and I... whipped him off. My children, my friends were like, "You did what?". It's just not like me... but I did it anyway.<P>Then, leaving the town having completed by business... crossed paths AGAIN... at a 4 way stop. <P>More composed. Just not happy with him and refused to look.<P>Am attending a singles group on Saturday evening. I think my "love bank" is bankrupt. <P>I refuse to allow him to make ANY deposits... which occur if I so much as look in his direction. <P>He melts my heart. <P>B-bye<BR>