The last few months have been horrendous. I haven't posted, but have read a lot, and had hoped that I might make some progress.

In short, we 'separated' 18mths ago, when my ex moved out to have some space, and forgot to mention he was moving in with a woman he was working with. We have 3 sons aged 16, 14 and 12. My WH was retrenched about 12 mths ago, and relocated interstate for work in Nov02. I thought this would be a good opportunity for us, because the OW didn't want to move (she's a city girl, he is now in a country town). He thought so as well - that it would give us a chance to think things through. He has, through most of this period, expressed confusion with the choices he's making - he continues to say he wants us back together at some point. He asked me to bring the boys over after Xmas for a holiday, and to come as well. We had a good time, and seemed to make some inroads - enough for him to say he wanted to end things with the OW completely. I got my hopes up, only to have them dashed. A month ago, he chose to go on a houseboat holiday with the OW, instead of coming here for his son's 16th birthday. Since then, because I voiced my opinion on it (LB I know, but understandable, I think), he's been absolutely awful to me - and I am at the end of my tether.

He came back to this city for Easter, and has spent the grand total of 6 hours with the boys over the entire weekend. He doesn't want to take the boys over there, because he's unsure of where he wants he and OW to go relationship wise, and doesn't want to confuse them, but he's lying to her, because she doesn't know anything about any of the conversations we've had, and so is pressuring him for them to go over there, and blaming me for them not going.

Is it time for PlanB? Should I follow that when he is vascillating between the 2 of us? My query about that is that since he's living interstate, he's not seeing much of either of us...I am really lost at the moment. I don't like the way he's treating me at present, and the things he's saying...I think Plan B may be necessary simply for my own wellbeing..

Apologies for rambling. And any advice would be gratefully received.

M.

Are you sure he's vacilating between the two of you? Maybe he's unsure of where he wants things to go with the OM because the reality of divorce and child support obligations just hit him.

Consider, if he has to pay $1,000 per month child support, but if he can get you to agree to joint custody for 50% of the time, he now only owes $500 per month.

Sorry to suggest this, but if he's still with the OM and is still lying, he's in the fog... and as such, you need to consider more possibilities than what you are told.

Thanks Lyxa for the reply. However, he has been paying child support for the past 18mths so I don't think that's the whole question mark for him. Granted, he may be realizing the financial realities of his decisions. In addition, joint custody is completely out of the question, as he lives interstate, some 7 hours drive from the boys and I. Perhaps he's realizing that he really will see precious little of his boys with things as they are, as he has to share the time he has with them with the OW.

M.

Plan B?
Um, YES!
Leave the child support payments up to the states laws.
Leave the visitation schedule up to the children.
Have your lawyer tell him standard visitation for now. Send them for 3 weeks in the summer. Let her see what life with him is really like.
Plan a vacation for yourself while they are gone.
Plan B? Yes, without a doubt.

Aly

Thanks Aly...I think I know that PlanB is the right thing to do. I've been working hard on myself, and have made some progress I think - a new job, better career direction (still in the same field) gives me lots more options, and makes me sure I can cope on my own. That's a big plus.

He wanted the boys to go over to OW's house with him at Easter - she lives here in my city. He was totally confused, one day saying he didn't want them there, the next day saying he did. The boys are getting old enough now to know they are being ignored, so I find it a hard place to be, stuck in the middle! I know she was putting pressure on him for them to be there...she'd like to do the 'happy families' thing, as she is 40 and has no children of her own. I resent, I have to admit, my children being used to fulfill her motherly ambitions!! Maybe I'm overreacting..it's just another hurt in the whole thing...

M.

Your children know who their mother is.
Isn't it better to have this woman accepting of your children? She wants to "mommy" them.
Think of it this way, she will give them what he can't. She will want to treat them to a great time when they are there instead of treating them badly. She will keep them safer than he will.
Pray for her. Don't let your pride run the show.
Remember the story of King Solomen? The two women with the baby? I know it hurts. The goal is to remember your kids. Even if you can't be kind to their father, try with all your will to connect with her.
She's not the last girlfriend he will have. If she's more interested in your children than him. He will see this and dump her like a hot rock. Take advantage of her wanting to be "mommy" while you can. This will set a president with your kids. They will always expect their fathers girlfriends to be this way.
If he does marry her. You will be lucky. You will know the children will be well taken care of when they are not with you.
Don't forget, you will meet someone someday. When you do, you want to have already set the president, again, for how this will be handled.
Your children will know how you treated their fathers wife, girlfriend, whatever, and they will expect the same behavior from their dad.
It's so hard being the grown up. Rise to the occasion. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Your children will respect you as they grow up. They will know how great you really are. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Aly

Thanks, Aly.

I don't think she's more interested in the children than him. She's certainly jealous of any time he spends alone with them, and has tried to insist that she should be present when he sees them. The boys aren't overly keen on that prospect, as they're basically teenagers, and they prefer to spend time with their mates, rather than chatting to her. They find little in common, as she's not into any sport, and they live for it, as many teenage boys do.

I can see the only way for them to spend any time with him is to go over to her house on his visits back to this state. I don't want to jeapordize his relationship with them. However, he's not sure he wants them there, and she doesn't want him to see them without her. So he's caught between a rock and a hard place. I know this is an issue for them to sort out, and I should just accept it all, hard tho it is. But I know the reasons why he doesn't want them over there, and she doesn't.

M.