Over the last few years my H has abused me sexually - he would insist on sex even if I clearly told him no. THis would happen as much as 2x/day. In addition, his tone changed and he would ignore me when I told him how I felt like an object etc. We have seen a few different counselors, and he can't find one he likes for more than a couple of appts. <P>We are kind of separated - living apart in same house. He intimidates me and will "punish" me without raising a hand to me. I find myself agreeing to things I don't like/want to do just to pacify him. He has become very focused on me - checking up on me, accusing me of affairs (there are none), asked me to give up outside relationships, and generally manipulating me. <P>He refuses to take responsibility for his actions. Says that if he'd known there was a consequence for his sexual abuse towards me he wouldn't have done it. He thinks MB could be the way to save the marriage. I'm not sure that I can forgive him and trust him again after so many problems. I'm very confused and don't know what to do - can anyone help me?<P>We are seeing a marriage counselor together (6 wks now). He seems intent on focusing on what "we" did wrong and not on his behavior.

I was in an abusive marriage for five years, this abuse also came in the form of sexual abuse. What can more degrading? BUT, part of it comes from our low self esteem. I look back now and think how in the world did I ever let him do that?<BR>Don't let him intimidate you. Stnad up for yourself, if you don't then no one will. You need to take back your life.<BR>Do not cut yourself off from family and friends to apease him. These people can be a source of strenght for you.<BR>My X also acussed me too many times to remember of having affairs that I wasn't having. That is a control issue. He is trying to control you. <BR>Keep working on your marriage through counseling but at some point he has to take responsibility for his actions and stop blaming you. If he can never do this it is highly unlikely the abuse and control will ever stop. My X to this day blames me for the break up of our marriage and for everything that he HAD to do to me to keep me in line!<BR>The best feeling in the world to me was the day I walked out, no money, no job, no place to llive and two kids but I felt more sure and confident and the happiest I've been on that day.<BR>

Thanks Shedawg. I know I can make it without him, but I want to give him every chance that I can. I think the straw on the camel's back will be him owning up to his deeds and getting help within himself (like why he can't control himself etc.).<P>He is very enthusiastic about MB. Did it help you? Regards, Bayla

My X-H was forced into anger management classes on three different occassions, each time claiming to have changead but then here we'd go again.<P>I think you should work on your marriage together but with the help of a counselor, preferably one that deals specifically in domestic violence.<BR>I think a big turning point for your marriage will be when he takes responsibility for what he has done to you and the marriage and acknowledges taht you "didn't ask for it"<P>As far as MB helping me personally, well, I first came here in response to an article I read that I completely disagreed with. Then I met the people, so to speak, and just stuck around. My current marriage does not have any problems so that is not why I'm here. From other people I've heard from though, this place has helped them enormously. <BR>I would say it is full of some great information to think about although I don't agree with all of it. But as adults we have to take that which applies to us personally and use it the best way we see fit.<BR>You seem to be on the right track. I hope things work out for you both. Stick to the counseling though, even long after things seem fixed cuz abuse is not something someone is cured from, they need constant support not to slip backwards.<BR>Hold your head high.

Shedawg - you are wise beyond years. This is my 2nd marriage, I'm 34. I wish he would just ask for a divorce and I would be okay with it. I guess I don't want to be the one that "gives up".<P>Do you think that by asking for him to work on his anger and sexual control issues, by trying to find out what makes him do it etc. , is asking too much?<P>I agree with you about MB. There are aspects of the philosophy I don't agree with, and I'm skeptical because there isn't a one-on-one where the "advisor" or counselor can get to know the histories and personalities. My H thinks this is the program we should both be into to save this.