I have cheated on my spouse and am so remorseful about it . I want our family back together again and would do anything to go back to the way things were. He has filed for divorce and i don;t know how to stop him he says he needs to move on and i have ruined the trust in our marriage and doesn't even want to try to reconcile. How can i get him to reconsider before i sign the papers he is in Korea so we can't even talk face to face and he wont be back till xmas. Any suggestions?I still love him and we have kids together.

Okay... hmmm.... <scratches head>

Let me tell you what it was like when my wife cheated on me.
- I cried uncontrollably for hours. I couldn't sleep.
- When I did sleep, I had nightmares of her being raped only I'd realize it wasn't rape, she was doing it to herself... and in the dream she and the men with her would beat me senseless.
- Everytime she left, I wondered if she was going to her lover.
- Everytime I left, I wondered if her lover was coming to her.
- I couldn't think. Every 2 minutes my thoughts would turn trying to find that one point in my marriage, that one pivotal moment where something I could have done would have prevented the affair.
- I wanted to die, to take my own life for many weeks.
- Being alone with women, made my skin crawl. 8 months after the fact, my skin still crawls. I remember going into a Hallmark store to buy my WW a card a week after D-Day. It was just me an a female cashier. I started sweating and actually left.
- I interpreted my wife's affair as a message that she wanted a divorce. After all, why else would she do that? If she loved me, she wouldn't have betrayed me like this. My world imploded.

If you want to save your marriage, you have your work cut out for you. Your husband probably assumes that you're continueing your affair even as you read this. The maxim, Once a cheater, always a cheater comes to my mind. The maxim, If she strays, she stays away also comes to my mind. Why didn't you just ask for divorce?

It's ironic that after having an affair you want to save your marriage. What's there that's worth saving after all... any good memories he might have... are now stained in a way that you'll never understand. A relationship is based on TRUST. That's gone. You two aren't together... how are you going to rebuild trust when you aren't together? A relationship is also based on Respect. Clearly, if you Respected him, you wouldn't be off with another man. A relationship is based on Commitment. Clearly, this is a concept you do not understand.

If you want to save your marriage, you need a battle plan to show your husband through your words and your actions how you Trust, Respect, and are Committed to him while gently prying the knife you stabbed him with out of his back. And you need to be consistent. My stbxWW did those things - sporadically, amidst ultimatums for forgiveness and renewed contact with her lover and while pursuing new lovers. How are you going to be any different?

Stop begging.
Work on yourself. Find out why you did it.
There is something in you that is missing. Find it.
Let him go.
Start this day by putting your love for him into actions not words.
Divorce can take a while and it isn't over until it's over.
He needs time to let his pride settle down and not get the best of him. If he can't do this than there is nothing you can do.
You have time on your side. While he is gone work on yourself. The people he talks to will keep him informed of your progress.
The important part is remembering how and why you got to where you are to begin with.
My husband cheated on me and hasn't done the right things to help me trust him.
I read the book Infidelity, a Survival Guide by Don - David Lusterman, PHD. You need to educate yourself. Find out why. Not the supperficial reasons, the true reasons.
The most important is taking responsibility. Saying sorry is NOT enough. Living out your remorse is the key.
Oh yea, keep your pants on from now on and stay away from people and places that might tempt you to do it again.
I've felt what he's feeling. It might take him some time but he will calm down. By then you MUST be ready to DO the right things.
I'll be here.
I'll pray for you.

your friend,
Aly

We had problems in our marriage before he left for Korea and he even admitted it and i asked why he didn;'t suggest marriage counseling and he said cause i wouldnt of listened. I know how devastating this could be to a person but when you get little phone calls, e-mails and get drunken phone calls with friends of his saying someone gave him oral sex your minds starts to wonder. Whether he cheated on me or not remains to be seen becasue i have no evidence. All i know is while i am here keeping this family and househole running he is off partying on his freetime. It made me feel very unapreciated. I also can';t understand why he would extend 6 more months we have kids he should spend time with whether he hates me or not if he was afraid of seeing me we could of arranged some type of drop off system. i know he is in pain I am in pain to i have been depressed,can't eat, wonderingn what he is doing, and wanting him to come home.I never set out to do this i was just at my very lowest point in my life all alone and none of the people who supposedly said they loved me kept in any kind of contact with me while he was away him included. I begged him to get out of the military cause i knew what it was doing to our marriage but he didn't seem to listen or want to talk about it. I know now what i have lost and i would do anytign to get it back but if he isn;t willing i guess there is no use. I can only beg so many times.

And if he did have an affair on you... does that justify what you did, make you feel any better? Regardless... I think you have a lot of work to do on yourself. Otherwise, your only learning experience from this will be one of petty revenge and missed opportunities. Your response, to me, is classic wayward fog talk.

I can only beg so much, I wasn't looking for it... etc. etc. Look at what you found while not looking for it! And, setting limits on your marriage for the number of times you'll "beg" etc. is not where you should be setting limits. Limits need to be set to protect a marriage, not as ultimatums. Your limit should have been set to protect you from getting involved with other men. At least that way, the pain of having your husband betray you would be the risk you take for love and family. High and noble purposes. Instead, you turn your spite back on him and yourself. Your kids are going to get caught in the middle.

You married someone in the military. Long abscences are part of that package deal. My stbxWW had an affair with a military doctor who was away from his wife and 3 kids. I'm sorry... but you're not going to find much sympathy here... if you want advice on the divorce, ask it. Otherwise, I suggest you study up on the Plan A and B variations for the cheating spouse trying to work things out.

I wish you the best. You're probably kind of panicky right now. The key for you is to not make impulsive decisions and judgements. I would suggest seeing a counselor, starting some therapy, and getting on anti-depressants. It'll clear your mind at least enough that you can create a decision and stick to it. Otherwise, you're going to go into the "oh god, I miss my lover" phase of withdrawal... and without your husband around, your mind will exagerate his faults as justification for continued infidelity on your part.

Slow down Lyxa. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You sound mad.
Yes, I agree, I hear panic too.
She doesn't see herself clearly. We are on the outside looking in. We see her better than she sees herself.
She's sounds nieve. I think you know what I mean.

O.K. Toosad,
As we all know 2 wrongs don't make a right. Have you read the info on infidelity?
It will help you. If you need help understanding any of it just ask. We will help you.
You really need to decide why you want to be with this man. Is it money? Are you afraid of having to provide for yourself? Do you work? Do you have an income?
Don't sell out because you are afraid to do it on your own. You need to get ahold of some legal help. Most states offer free legal aid. Go to women's services in your blue pages in the phone book and look it up. You need to find out some info.
Make a list of all the things you want for yourself. This is for you, not your children, not your husband, your personal list. What do you want for you that no one else can give you.
Is it school? Maybe a job? Maybe both?
You sound like you are living your life for someone else right now.
I am still here.

Aly

Thank you ALY I have been a housewife for 9 years have no college education and yes I am a little nervous about doiong this on my own but I also know there is help for single women out there with kids welfare,low income housing, grants for school , food stamps ect.I already have a plan to go to school and get a job upon graduating and turn my life around for the better but becoming a better person. I have asked god to forgive me cause my husband can't righth now and I feel so terrible inside and feel like i shoudl walk around with a big A across my chest. All I wanted out of life was kids and a husband I didnt really care about a job I was content enough to stay home and raise the kids but I never thought I would do it all by myself . Yes I Know how the military is but I never thought my husband would choose to retire out of it when we got married and we even discussed gettign out but he talked me out of it cause we would only have 6 more years. Some women can take that kind of life forever but i can't . ALL i wanted was my husband to come home everynight and not be gone for extended periods of time. He has missed 19ths of our 3 yr old daughters life she barely has time to get used to him then he leaves again. I know he is hurting bad cause i couldnt imagine anyone being with him it makes me sick. He is adamant about the divorce so i seriously doubt any of the steps will help in my case. He wants me to send the kids over to Korea for the summmer and i just dontl feel comfortable with that and he makes it harder when he sends thekids an easter e-card and tells them he misses them and hopefully mommy will let them come over . It makes me feel like i am the bad guy and i am keeping them from him but thats not it. I just don't think it is safe.

Toosad,
I agree with a mix of Lyxa and Aly. I think Lyxa is too rough and Aly is too nice. As a BS whose WS is having an OC with OW, I have to tell you- I think you are still in a fog and you have no clue what you really want. Do you want to save your marriage? Do you want your H? Or would you ultimately desire to be single, if money wasn't an issue? A marriage takes a lot of work, and you have created a disaster by having an A. An A can and should be forgiven, but it takes work on your part if you want to reconcile. You are being wishy-washy and passive and you honestly sound like a quitter when you say "I seriously doubt any of the steps will help in my case"- many WS have thought that of BS, and VICE VERSA. If you want to work on the marriage, you better dig in. You better do whatever it takes to make things work- which like Aly says, starts with yourself. Make YOU a better YOU for YOU. That is always attractive, to watch someone change for the better after an ugly situation. Actions speak MUCH louder than words- I know that my ex-WH has said many words that are like grains of salt- it is what HE does and what YOU do that count. I wish you all the goodness and forgiveness that can be showered on you, if you do the best you can to change things and to show remorse. If you don't do those things- I still wish you no harm, because I just feel sorry for you for missing a great opportunity to turn something bad into something beautiful.

Do not send your children over seas!
Do not send your children over seas!
Did I say no? O.K. I think I said no. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Next step.
Find a lawyer. Find a lawyer. Find a lawyer.
He's over seas, too bad for him.
Next step.
Read this sight from cover to cover.
Next step.
Find an old picture of yourself, before you were with him. A picture you like. Put it where you can see it. Remember you were a person before him. Everytime you look at it remember.
Next step.
Find a good counselor. Someone you can talk to so you don't go telling everyone around you your problems. Stay in touch through this web site.
Next step.
Say nice things to yourself. Whenever you hear those little voices telling you, you can't do something, say something out loud that is positive about yourself. Positive brain washing.
Next step.
Pray. Pray. Pray. Pray.
Guidence, peace, calm, for the H. Always for the Husband.
Start here.
I'm still here.

Aly

Hey, my husband cheated on me too. Does this mean I don't show compassion to a young woman who has been unfaithful?
You all need to curb your bitterness.
We are Christians on this site.
Helping others is the best thing for getting over pain. If anyone knows how to help this woman get through this, through our own experience of pain, and being on the other side of the fence, we should help her.
She is scared and we should do the right thing and help her. We have all been afraid.

Aly

Listen to Aly. I'm still dealing with issues from my divorce. I'm sorry if I came across as a bit harsh.

If you want your marriage to have a 2nd chance, don't get a lawyer yet. Go to counseling, do some therapy. Put together a plan for rebuilding your marriage.

There's another woman on this site, Jen Brown, who has been posting since Day 1 of her D-Day and shows some struggles you might find useful. Do a search on her name from Just Found Out... all the way through Plan A and then to this board. You might find her struggles illustrative. She's a strong woman and that's where you need to get.

Good luck and be stronger than you have been.

<small>[ April 21, 2003, 10:15 PM: Message edited by: Lyxa ]</small>

Aly,
I don't know if you are referring to me or to Lyxa, but I do have compassion for toosad. Otherwise I would not have written her. Maybe I sound forceful because I am urging her to snap out of the fog. It also sounds like she is unsure of her husband's faithfulness, which is an important thing to consider. Which is why I asked what she really wanted? As a Christian, I hate the sin of adultery because I see how awful it is and how it messes up EVERYONE's lives. The WS, the BS and all the families and children and friends and the list goes on and on. So I hope that toosad will make changes in herself so that she can be a better and stronger person, as well as a better and stronger wife, whether it be to this H or to someone else. No bitterness here- just trying to show her reality.
Thanks-

I know Adultery is a sin. I also know that it's not my job to stand in judgement of anyone else.
She does need a lawyer. She needs to know what her rights are. If she can file for separation she will have temporary orders that will protect her interests. Monitarily as well as custody of her children. This is not an aggressive act. It is an act that will give her direction. She will not feel so helpless. She will be somewhat impowered. This will help remove the fog of fear.
These fears can cause confusion. She seems to be chasing her tail at this point. She doesn't seem to have a lot of help. If she doesn't have somewhere to go, like here, where she feels somewhat safe, she will stay in this state of confusion. When she sounds stronger, when she get's a little angry, then, and only then should her eyes be opened to her part of the responsibility.

Aly

For what it's worth, when I learned of my wife's affair from our bishop, I broke down crying and walked out of that determined to divorce her. With time, I changed my mind realizing I needed to give our marriage a fair shot at reconciliation or I would regret it forever. I wanted to be with her... I ached to see some sort of fundamental change in her that would reassure me my attempts at reconcilliation would not be wasted at some point by affair #Next and then Next and then Next. The things I posted are all things I wish my WW had done.

The fact that you are separated is good I think. It gives you time to figure out what to do and same with him. I can't think of anything worse than being the betrayed spouse and being supportive of a wayward wife as she goes through lovesick withdrawal for her lover. I did. It made things even harder.

Maybe you can use this time to initiate No Contact with the lover and do some other things to put your life back in order so that if and when you do get together with your husband, he sees you as a complete woman... someone who made some mistakes (and yes they hurt) but someone who is healing and ready to help him heal... if he'll let you. At the same time, if he has cheated on you, he'll see how far you've come and should you both decide to forgive and reconcile, you'll be able to be a strength for him.

I think I speak for many betrayed spouses in this forum when I say what an important chance you have right now to AVOID all the mistakes our own spouses made when they came at us with ultimatums and demands for forgiveness, more lies, and more manipulations. I send you my love and wishes that you be stronger today than you were yesterday, that your tomorrows be more days of strength until you can see yourself and your family more clearly.

toosad, (and aly)
I hope you don't think I am judging you. Certainly not how I intended to come across. When I say adultery is a sin, it is because I have seen how entangled people get in it. And it is awful. But believe me, I am not trying to throw stones. I know that my WH feels awful about what he has done, and he is so deep into it that I just don't want to see you go there. I spend a lot of time beating myself up too- if I hadn't been so angry, so demanding, or so impatient....guilt is a mean mean thing, I just don't want you to have any more of it than you already do!! Those are my only concerns. Really. People like Jen Brown give me hope that my WH will be able to grow because of this and really change their life. For now, I am trying to change mine...

Adgirl,
Anyone who has delt directly with inffidelity knows how messy it is.
There was a point when I moved past, because I was tired of being the victim.
To let go of the "feelings" from the experience and now use the knowledge to help myself and others is my goal. The more good I can do, by helping others and myself, the more I am truly blessed.
Peace, patience, kindness, self-control. Those words resound in my head.
We strive to do the best we can, in the most positive ways, everyday.

Aly

Aly,
Which was my point- but when someone is still in Fog and still reeling from what they have done, they tend to make a bigger mess or do something on emotion. I know this from experience. Been there, wish I hadn't - SO I just wanted to make sure that toosad really thought on what she wanted to do. Oh, and I try to NEVER come across as a victim- God truly works all things together for good- and I can't stand for anyone to feel sorry for me. And I strive to help others see that through my actions. I am glad that you are too!! This is when being BS's at least make a difference in our lives for the good - and that is an amazing feeling!!

I have gotten a lawyer not becasue I wanted to but because he is so adamant about me signing the papers and I feel I need to prtotect everyones interest in this especially the kids. I really want to reconcile but how can I when he is over there and everytime i have tried to talk to him on the phone he has no interest on reconciling and even suggested waiting 6 mths to make a final decision and he says no that is why I sound like I am giving up. Especially when he writes and asks me if i signed the papers and to do it quick he needs closure. I don't care how much money I have being single is not what i want we always had fun together as a family most of the time but i think lost sight of each other and took each other for granted. I thought at one time he was going to get out of the military and i was so excited but found out he wasnt to get out till a yr later so what does he do ? he signs up again saying its only for 6 more yrs till i retire and yes that may be the sensible thing to do moneywise but I didnt care about money i cared about being together as a family. I feel bad for our kids they are real close to there daddy when he is home and now because he reenlisted for 6 more mths over there will see him even less than if he would of came back here. We also can't even try to reconcile how can we when he is 5000 miles away.
I have already changed alot I stay at home with my kids and dont go out anymore. I guess i felt if my husband can go out to clubs than i should be able to too but I never liked that. He would alwyas want me to go out but i felt clubs were realy no -place for a married couple call me old fashioned but that is what i believe.
I know i can do this on my own and i am not scared about that its just all of our memories and good times we have had i can;t get past especailly our trip to disney world last year was like a dream come true I didnt want to leave cause i knew in 2 weeks he would leave us for 7 mths and i think in the state our marriage was in that something like this would happen i just never dreamed it would of been on my end. I would do anything to get our marriage back on track but how can you when the other one isn't willing?

You can't.
All you can do now is work on yourself. Don't worry though, your feelings will change and you will see what God really had in store for you all along.
Chin up young person.
I'm glad you found legal advice. Remember, if there is a future for you and your husband no divorce decree will stop this from happening.
Read all the info this web site has to offer on infidelity. If you don't understand something we here are more than happy to help. It's a lot to digest.
I get the feeling your husband was looking for an excuse to divorce you. If it wasn't this it would have been something else.
I hope you can at least share this web site with him. Maybe he will come here and ask for help too. As you can see there are a lot of men here who have been through what he has been through.
Maybe if you tell him this in a polite email he will check it out.
I'm still here.

Aly
Give him the chance to calm down.
You sound better than you did two days ago.

<nothing worth saying>

<small>[ April 22, 2003, 12:30 PM: Message edited by: Lyxa ]</small>