I have just got off the phone with my H he says he still wants the divorce he thinks it will be best for now. He thinks becasue i went out and had my fun now i want back in. That is not it i stupidly did something and I took what i had for granted and I want our family back together. He told me maybe in the future but for now he wants to stay my friend and that is all he doesnt trust me to get back together now. So I will give him the divorce he wants and do whatever it takes to win his trust back but I will not hold my breath on him coming back to me I have to start a new life for me and the kids. I hate the thought of a stepfamily if we marry someone else it is so hard I know being from a stepfamily myself. I cant imagine him setteling on being in the kids lives during summer and on holidays they need him more than that. It is just so sad and i donlt know how to convince him and show him i have already started changin for the better. Thank you all for your support and being there for me when i needed advice. He still wnats the kids to come to Korea and doesnt seem to understand my worries about it. I am not listening he says and he wouldnlt put the kids in danger. How can I convince him its a bad decision and i even offered to go over with them and he thinks that is hilarious he wants them by hisself like i had them by myself.I just thought it would be easier on the kids than flying with an almost stranger.

Did you discuss this with your lawyer?
I find it very hard to believe this is in the children's best interest. There are times you just have to go with your gut and say no.
He needs to find a way to come back here for a week or two in between his rotations.
This just doesn't sound right to me. Flying overseas right now, like this? Alone?

Aly

Ok, I guess I will try to ring in and give some advice. First of all I have my own problems, and not sure if my advice will be the best advice, but I want to help.

I am in the military(AF) also. I have been in for about 10 yrs. I always thought that I would come in for 4 yrs and get out and go to school. I can only tell you why I think he might have wanted to stay in. The military has alot to offer these days; medical, housing, skills, a chance to see the world, and a decent retirement. And when you are in for awhile a pride, and honor grows inside of you that only the military can offer. I know its hard to be away from your husband. My Dad was a Marine pilot. Im not sure exactly how long you guys have been married, but 20yrs flies by.

I know this doesnt help if he said he was getting out. But,(this is only an opinion) I would hope that you could be able to support his decision in staying in. God knows that when Im away I miss my wife. And I always end up wishing that I would had never left. I have been to Korea, and when I went to the clubs also. It was only to blow off some steam, from the pressure of being over there and being away from my loved ones. Never to pick up women. I dont know why your husband goes out, some men do go out for the wrong reasons.

Now for my opinion on the kids going over there. I think it is a stupid [censored] request. There is to much strife going on over there. Have guys been watching the news? We(US) are already in heated discussions with North Korea. And the South Koreans are protesting US even being there. Not a real great envirement for kids. I wouldnt want my daughter over there.

And lastly, only you can make the decision if you want to stay married or not. You can get legal counsel and all. But, I have been cheated on by my wife. And I felt like I would have rather been dealing with a death than the pain I received from the affair she had. I forgave my wife. It was very hard and took alot of time to do. And she never did all of the things that I thought she could have. But time does heal. I think you should wait until he gets back. Its gonna make him bitter but I still think you should. Keep telling him you love him and that you are sorry, but dont do things that you think are not good for your kids. Or anything that dehumanizes yourself. Tell him, you are in this marriage and if he wants the divorce, to get it himself. BTW...Im pretty sure he cant file from there. You might want to ask base legal to comfirm this.

GOOD LUCK! to you and your family. Ill pray for you guys.

Sounds right to me.

Aly

He came back to the states for midtour and found out and filed then. He says he will never trust me in his line of work again but will not give me a chance to prove I can be trusted again yes it will be hard but I have learned a valuable lesson never take for granted what you have cause one stupid mistake will ruin it all.I understand about all the benefits the military has but i also know sometimes the benefits don't outway the sacrifices you have to make.

About the Korea trip he keeps insisting it is safe and he would never let them over there if it wasnt'. I guess he is going south where it is safest but with the heated discussions they are having and the sars disease going around.I have talked to my lawyer and she says it is ultimately up to me whether i want to send them or not but if it was taken to court he would lose because she also said no judge in there right mind will allow them to go over.

I am afraid to stall the divorce cause it will make him mad and all he says he wants to do is have closure. My feeling is he wants to got out and have fun for awhile and not get in trouble for it because he will still be married. I asked him why he extended for another year and he said cause there is so much to do over here. Or is it he has a girlfriend already. I would want to be where my kids are instead of only getting to see them for a few months here and there. I just cant understand his decision. Does it make sense to any of you?

toosad,

I think you need to really revisit the children's visitation issue. I don't know their ages, but he is their father and they will be just as safe with him as they are with you. In fact military bases are far safer than most towns in this country.

So you are going to hear a different point of view. I think Aly is wrong about the visitation. Your children are in fact very likely the path to reconcilliation. Further, I fully understand why he extended, you just cruched him. Pure and simple that is it, and he is having a hard time dealing with it.

I don't recall you saying how long ago you told him or he found out. I also don't recall you saying that OM is out of your life. I also don't recall you saying anything about what you have done to make your H feel you do in fact love him or can be trusted.

All I do recall is you saying you want your family back. Just saying it won't get it done.

It is time you told us the REAL story that we can help. So far all you have said has illicited emotional reactions. What needs to happen is a plan of action to try and rebuild your marriage.

You say your H only has 6 more years until he retires? How long have you two been married?

Toosad, feeling sorry for yourself, withholding your children from your H unless he comes home ARE NOT GOING to rebuild your marriage.

You have a very tough road. I do think that you should probably go over with the children. I also know that the military has legal assistance as well as other form of assistance for dependents, have you used it? If so what do they say?

I think a lot more information is needed before any really useful advice can be given.

God Bless,

JL

just learning,

Our kids are 9 and 3. I am not as worried for our 9 year old as I am the 3 year old. She hasn't seen daddy for 7 mths before xmas and saw him for a month then he left jan 5 and wont see her again till june or july. She has never been away from me except for a week one time. I am just worried how she will react with mommy being gone. He wont even think of the idea of me going over there with them he says he wants them by hisself.
I am not trying to withhold them from him i am really worried about htem going over there with these talks about nuclear weapons and such. Dont you think i have a right to be concerned for there safety?

I have talked to him via e-mial and phone and apoligized and I have been out of OM's life for about 5 mths now . Ever since my H found out and I gotout of my fog. I havent thought about anyone else or anything else but trying to turn my life around and make a better life for us. But he refuses any kind of reconciliation. I dont know what else to do.

WE have been married for 10 years this May and yeah 6 years may not sound that long but with everything going on in this world now. He would be out of our lives more than in it. I never thought he would retire and I didnt get married to be away from the one i love. I got married to spend all my days with them and grow old together.

toosad,

I am going to put this to you bluntly. I am going to address your response to me and see if you think what you are doing is matching with what you are saying.

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Our kids are 9 and 3. I am not as worried for our 9 year old as I am the 3 year old. She hasn't seen daddy for 7 mths before xmas and saw him for a month then he left jan 5 and wont see her again till june or july. She has never been away from me except for a week one time. I am just worried how she will react with mommy being gone. He wont even think of the idea of me going over there with them he says he wants them by hisself.
I am not trying to withhold them from him i am really worried about htem going over there with these talks about nuclear weapons and such. Dont you think i have a right to be concerned for there safety?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No one is challenging your right. But, your very comment is exactly why he isn't interested in staying married. If you respond to him like you did me, you are simply trying to deflect the question with a defensive question. I didn't comment on your right. I commented that he is a father and deserves to see his children. He offered one solution, you won't accept it. It has to be your way or it is no way. Is that what you are saying? Or are you saying that you don't feel your H is a good father?

If you could afford it I do think that you should go, but perhaps you two need to negotiate how to do this and let him see his children.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have talked to him via e-mial and phone and apoligized and I have been out of OM's life for about 5 mths now . Ever since my H found out and I gotout of my fog.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My math may be off but it seems that he left with you still thinking about if not seeing OM. I doubt he believes OM is out of your mind and perhaps your life. He hasn't any way to check.

You didn't tell him of the affair he found out right? Have you been to see the base chaplin? I think you might need to consider it. He may be able to help by contacting the chaplin at your H's base and perhaps persuade him to allow you to come with the children. If that is what you want to do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I havent thought about anyone else or anything else but trying to turn my life around and make a better life for us. But he refuses any kind of reconciliation. I dont know what else to do.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I my opinion what you should do is give this time. I also think that actions speak louder than words, but even more importantly they need to be consistent with your words. I think that signing the divorce papers without counseling for both of you is not a good idea. I think that you need to wait until he comes back in June or July. I think you need to read His Needs Her Needs and understand what really happened. Is it just loneliness? If so then he is right he cannot trust you in the future. For he will travel, perhaps even if he gets out of the service. What then? You need answers for that and as to why you had the affair. Not just the surface answers but the deeper ones. Is OM better in your eyes than your H? What was he doing, besides being there that made you break your vows?

Please consider this toosad. If you want this to work out, you need to understand this affair and yourself well. Your H will need the reassurance.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WE have been married for 10 years this May and yeah 6 years may not sound that long but with everything going on in this world now. He would be out of our lives more than in it. I never thought he would retire and I didnt get married to be away from the one i love. I got married to spend all my days with them and grow old together. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I doubt that you are old. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And I don't think you will be old in 6 years. I do understand your feelings as I grew up in a military family and was in fact in the military myself. My father was gone alot, but still in all it was a very interesting way to grow up.

Toosad, I am sort of on your case because your posts seem to primarily be about you. What you want, how you want it, and how your H is being unreasonable in his desire for a divorce. He isn't being unreasonable, and you wanting to keep the marriage isn't either. But, you must realize that he doesn't feel you are focusing on him. After all you had the affair and he had to find out about it when he was home on leave. You probably weren't telling him much of the truth when he contacted you before the A ended.

Toosad, he doesn't trust you and your discussions of moving on in the face of his demand for a divorce reinforce his feelings that this cannot work. Someone in this marriage must believe it can work, and then talk and act accordingly. I am afraid it must fall to you. So evaluate your thinking, what you say, and how what you say affects his feelings AND YOURS. You won't get through this if you don't take care of yourself and children.

Please do some reading of the articles here on rebuilding and restoring marriages. Your situation is difficult because of the separation, but I think with your desire to maintain the marriage there is a chance. But, you will have to hang tough. You are the one that is going to have to fight for the marriage.

I wish you the best.

God Bless,

JL

I am not trying to say it has to be my way or no way. My husband is a great father and that is why I am so hurt he extended longer in Korea. I understand he is upset with me and maybe that is why he extended to be away from me but why does he have to hurt the kids in the process by not seeing them as much?

I just have to ask this question. Would you want your kids to go over to a foreign country that may possibly have nuclear weapons and are having heated discussions about it? I am trying to come up with a solution that we both can agree on.

My husband found out about my affair when he came over . I was so scared to tell him cause i knew if i did the results would be the same, D. There are so many things that happened when he was here that ruined the trust between both of us. He also did things behind my back ( not cheating as far as i know ).I was hurt too with what he did so with everything going on at the time we never had a chance to talk about stuff till he left to go back over to Korea. I have apoligized over and over and I dont know what to do anymore. There are so many people on this site who are so forgiving and will give there spouse a second chance and i just wanted to prove I could change and make a great life for our family.

He is not coming back till May 2004 he signed on for another year. I thought it was 6 mths cause that is what he told our son that he would be home for xmas. I thought he was coming home for good then. I havent signed the papers but I will soon not becasue i want to but because that is what he wants right now and I just want to make him happy. I just can't understand why he says we might be able to try in the future but not now he wants a divorce he does'nt trust me in his line of work. How can I prove to him i have already changed when he is'nt around to see it?

toosad,

First, of all if you live in the US you live in a country that has nuclear weapons. Second, it doesn't make any difference if the weapon is nuclear, high explosive, or made out of fertilizer. If you are near it when it goes off you are in trouble. You may be too young to remember when, and actually many still are, > 30,000 nuclear weapons targeted at military bases and cities in the US.

I think you need to rethink your agruement.

Next, if you don't want the divorce, then don't sign. I may be wrong but I think you sort of want to, and this is a good way out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Next, you and your children are sort of a package right? So, if he cannot handle being around you, it means he has lost his children. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> In reality, no matter what you have done (up to some serious feloney), you are likely to recieve custody of the children, so he has already had to face the fact that he has lost them. Your affair did that.

My guess is that his extending, was an admission that in his mind he has lost everything he loved, so why go back? He lost you, and he lost the children. In reality he is probably right.

Now what can you do? I would strongly suggest you do the reading of the articles around here. I would strongly suggest you quit apologizing and start talking to him about what you have been doing with yourself to address this affair and its aftermath. If anything is going to turn the tide, your actions and him hearing about them are it.

Next, realize that this has not been six months. Normal recovery takes much longer, and he isn't through the anger phase yet. I would still encourage you to talk to him about going with the children to see him this summer.

That is my take on this.

God Bless,

JL

I just wanted to tell you what has been going on . I have told my H how much I have changed and how i am changing for the better. He cant really see it cause he is so far away.

I dont want a divorce I have asked him if we can go to MC or a retrovaille weekend I have heard so much about and he says if he went to a MC it would just go in one ear and out the other .I have also told him of the websites i have gone on and he says its a waste of time pretty much. He also told me he no longer loves me and maybe he jumped the gun when we got married. These phrases sound so familiar to me cause they are almost the same as what i said on the tapes he recorded.I was in my "fog" at the time and was saying anythign to make the A alright.

He says he isnt ruling out us getting back together but he wants to date and find out I guess that he is truly over me.

If i choose to not sign the papers then it will be contested and he says he will do anything to prove this marriage needs to be broken up. I have run out of things to say and do. I am not giving up the fact of reconciling later but right now it seems pretty hopeless.

About the Korea thing I know you think I am being paranoid or whatever but I am trying to think of how the children will be effected going on such a long plane ride to an unknown place for so long especially the 3 YR old. I have suggested going over with him and he says no .