I haven't posted in awhile......my two boys and I are doing very well. I have been divorced now for a year and a half, separated for two years.

I am not sure what to do with my xh. We have the standard visitation, every other weekend and one day during the week. He has a 2nd shift job so there has been some flexibility. Very soon he will be working normal hours and wants to change visitation. I understand that he misses his children but I am not willing to change the visitation. The boys (3 & 7) are doing so good right now.........there were some problems with the older one and he has finally overcome a majority of those recently and I don't want to change anything on them. They have stability and routines and are doing so good. My xh first threatened to just leave the area and slowly disappear from their lives leaving me to explain everything and then he said he would just find the money and take me to court. He is saying that I am not allowing him to see the boys and that is not true. I am trying to stick with the visitation schedule and allow some flexibility. I told my xh that once he starts this new job with regular hours that he can get the boys on Wednesdays after school for a few hours and that on the weekends that he has them he can extend his time with them on Sundays (he has to go to work at 1:pm currently) until the evening. All he said was that 4 or 5 more hours twice a month wasn't enough.

I want a schedule, I want something to go by. We have that but he disregards it and says that it is just a guideline. What he isn't realizing is that our divorce papers state that this schedule is what the judge has ordered. I feel I am trying but to no avail. How might this play out in court? We do not communicate well....I have tried to talk to him but I just can't get through to him.

Kathy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">. My xh first threatened to just leave the area and slowly disappear from their lives leaving me to explain everything </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ha ha! Does he really think that eventually the kids won't figure out that HE ABANDONED THEM because he didn't get his way??? Sheesh.

My xh also has a weird schedule...he works the 2nd shift and he's off on Thurs/Fri. I also had to 'rein' in his chaotic schedule because it did mess up daughter's routine. She only goes on Thurs very rarely while school is in session. He usually picks her up after school on Fri (on the weeks he does decide he can be bothered after all) and has to return her by 1pm the next day. I do try to be somewhat accomodating but I'm not going to sit waiting for him to make a decision. I let her go over whether it's 'his' weekend or not if that's what she wants UNLESS we have something scheduled. Often my x refuses his weekends because he has 'other things' to do. He did this last weekend. Of course, then he whines that he never gets to see her. Hey, he chooses his own work schedule.

Sorry to digress. On to your question: Your visitation schedule IS NOT a guideline. It is the MINIMUM schedule and is enforceable by law. IF, however, you two can agree on other terms that are amenable to you and the children, then you can alter the schedule but you don't have to just because your x wants it more convenient for him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't want to change anything on them. They have stability and routines and are doing so good. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does a change mean that they can't adapt?

Is the change so radical that your life is disrupted?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want a schedule, I want something to go by. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">in other words, you want to be told, and not have to change. Yet, boys do need their dad, sorry, the standard is woefully too little for dads. I agree, 4 to 5 hours per month is not enough.

Now, what he is looking for is a new schedule, and yes, you may try a new schedule without going to court, with the old schedule to be a fall back.

Where in your agreement does it state that you have to follow the agreement? is there any monetary damage? yes, it is a guideline, a minimum guideline. Where in there does it say that you can't have them if he can't take them?

Have you taken them when he doesn't want them? Well, can't he make up that time? Why are people so concerned with the exact same schedule week after week after week? How damaged would the kids be if he actually took them two days for dinner during a week?

Or is this problem about you and your schedule?

What is the relationship between the dad and the kids right now? good?

personally, everytime my kids start getting excited to see me and have a good time with me, my X tries to limit contact, and pulls all kinds of stunts to disrupt the schedule. She tries to block contact with excuses.

so look at your own motives, and see what you can live with that is not damaging to the boys.

wiftty

<small>[ April 22, 2003, 12:59 PM: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</small>

franklymydears - Thank you for your response. I feel that the visitation is also a minimum that is enforceable by law. I want my boys to spend time with their dad but I also do not want to make drastic changes in their lives. They have had so many changes in the last year and a half. I want to protect them and I feel I am doing what is in their best interests.

wifty - I have to say that whenever you have responded to my posts they are always very negative. I don't make decisions based on my feelings or my schedules. My children have been through so much in the last year and a half and have just started to get on their feet (their dad left us 8/01 and started seeing OW shortly thereafter with children present, married 7/02).

I told my xh that I want to move very slowly with visitation changes because of this. They adapt very slowly. They have a hard time with transitions from one house to the other, especially the older one. He doesn't want to go to his dad's. He is always saying he wants to go home. That 4-5 hours my xh stated would be extra time per month but he miscalculated tremendously. I am ready to start following the minimum visitation schedule with flexibility and get my children used to it. They still as of yet have not spent any summers, spring break, or holidays with their father. He always says he can't because he is working. So, I suggest other times and dates and he says it won't work either.

I never discourage my children from seeing their father and I have never denied him visitation. I am sick of being given an ultimatum and if I don't agree I get threatened with court action or his departure. He is a very controlling and manipulative person and ever since I started standing up to him the threats have become more irrational. I have always backed down, I have never stood my ground for myself or my children. Not so anymore.

I feel I am doing what is in my children's best interests. I am trying to protect them. We have all suffered mental, verbal and emotional abuse and my children still suffer when they are with their father, especially the older one.

Kathy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> wifty - I have to say that whenever you have responded to my posts they are always very negative. I don't make decisions based on my feelings or my schedules. My children have been through so much in the last year and a half and have just started to get on their feet </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To be fair to wifty, each of us has their own unique perspective and experience that we bring to the board. I have found wifty to be a great advisor and comforter.

Children are very adaptable and find change less disruptive than we do. I'm sure your son 'might' say that he wants to go home to you (when recounting a visit) but can you be absolutely sure that that's what he says during that visit? Meaning that our perspective changes according to our current situation. Labor is a nightmare while you're going thru it but doesn't seem so bad AFTER. And a couple of years later, we've forgotten the misery so much that we'd be willing to do it again!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am ready to start following the minimum visitation schedule with flexibility and get my children used to it. They still as of yet have not spent any summers, spring break, or holidays with their father. He always says he can't because he is working. So, I suggest other times and dates and he says it won't work either.

I never discourage my children from seeing their father and I have never denied him visitation. I am sick of being given an ultimatum and if I don't agree I get threatened with court action or his departure. He is a very controlling and manipulative person and ever since I started standing up to him the threats have become more irrational. I have always backed down, I have never stood my ground for myself or my children. Not so anymore.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ah, wifty, here is the actual problem. The lady is tired of having to always (in her opinion at the very least) change and accomodate this man on his terms. And most people DO react poorly when the 'giver' starts fighting back, so to speak.

Mom, I would talk to my boys (depending on their ages) and ask them what they WANT to do and as long as it doesn't affect their school, etc, I would let them do it. I used to let dd stay with her dad on Thurs until he had not gotten her to school on time several times.

I understand that you may not think you are letting your emotions color this exchange but it is quite possible that that is what's happening. And that's okay--just don't 'punish' your kids because their dad is a jerk.

AM,

ah, now that story is one of his being difficult and uncooperative.

my X uses "nothing can change" and "schedules rule the world" as her basis for trying to control her life and everyone around her.

She uses these excuses whenever she doesn't get her way, or only wants her way. She is agreeable when it goes her way, and disagreeable with schedules because she does not like to adapt/change.

In other words, i heard/read you wanted a schedule, and i read him wanting to change the schedule. Both can happen. However, if he does take his time, then there is a valid reason to just ignore him. He sounds like a person that needs to be the one with the ideas, and he wants his freedom to do what he wants when he wants it.

see how my, and possibly your, typing can be colored or interpreted by different viewpoints? its easy to do, so that's why i try to listen to others even when they don't agree with me, to learn something about myself, which i continue to do, day after day, and the more i learn, the less i like myself.

wiftty

AbandonedMom,
First, in court your XH has the right to ask for a change in visitation every 2 years OR anytime there is a change in circumstance that may affect the kids and his visitation w/ them.

Why not put old hurts aside and accomodate his schedule. Children benefit by spending the MAXIMUM amount of time w/ both children. Be grateful he wants to see them etc.

I have 2 boys w/ a man that lives out of state. We have NEVER had a court order in regards to CS or visitation. In fact, I have let my younger son live w/ him this school year as I believe it is in his best imterests. He comes up once a month and all vacations - is here now.

I have a daughter who I have had to drag her daddy into court over 20 times for CS in 9 years. Yet, even though he and I were never married, and in the state of Ga he has no legal right to visitation, he sees her whenever he wants. Because I know I need to do that for her - even though she is not always thrilled anout it.

I am helping my XMM in his legal woes w/ both his kids. He has a son - 11 from a woman he never married. And a daughter from XW. He has paid support to both since birth and his separation from W - without an order. Yet, we have had to drag both these women to court on Contempt charges as each have on occassion tried to deny him visitation. Why? For no reason.

His XW actually stated to me that "he hurt me and I want him to know what it feels like"

I am not saying that is you or your situation. However, sometimes we have to put our needs aside and be the bigger person for our kids.

I recall an occassion when my daughter's father callled me one night at around 9 p.m. He wanted to see her. She was 9 months old, had only seen him once, and I had just filed for CS. Did I mention she was in her pjs already and that he hadn't given me a dime of CS at that point?

Yet, I agreed to meet him at our local police station (was unsure of his intentions as he had been served w/ CS papers that day). I felt I should do whatever it took to help foster a relationship between them

Court is not needed. Sit down and discuss this w/ your XH. One day he and your kids will thank you. tewjtm

<small>[ April 22, 2003, 06:12 PM: Message edited by: tewjtm ]</small>

I seem to know all about changing visit times. I have the standard visitation every other weekend and one night a week. My exw never lets me have him unless it is my weekend or night. well she divorce papers state wen night is my night , but my son wanted to do the awanas program at his church so i agreed to take tues one week and thrusday one week, well then t-ball season started and the pratices and games are on T&T. so both his mother and i attend these, but after the games and pratice it is to late for me to have my 2 hr time with him , so I asked her if i could start getting him 2 hrs every other sat and if she made plains then we could rearange the days again . At first she said sure then called back that afternoon and said no that it would be an inconvience to her to have to give up her sat so he could see me, even though i had changed my time for them on several occasions. I just said ok and went with it so i guess now i get mondays and fridays. Why do us dads always have to be the ones that change, why is it not looked at as an inconvience to us. If we try to argue about the change we are being selfish. If we go along with it we are being walked over. What is the best way to handle this?

Again, thank you all for your responses! I feel less stressed talking to others going through the same thing and it helps so much to get different opinions and ideas.

wifty - I very much appreciate your last post. I don't want anyone to think that I am keeping my xh from our children. I have never done that nor will I ever do that. My xh has always had things his way and I always allowed it.....now that I stand up for what I believe is right he has become more irrational than he has ever been. My counselor and pastor both believe he has BPD. I also believe this. I want my children to see their father and spend time with their father and I have given my xh opportunities to spend more time with them and I constantly tell him that if he wants to do something with them or take them somewhere and it isn't his night or weekend to please call me at least 2 days prior, I have absolutely no problem. He has not ever to this day taken advantage of this. He is too busy. He was too busy when we were married so nothing has changed. I feel strongly that a schedule is in order for us with flexibility as the control will be out of his hands. He doesn't like this at all.

tewjtm - Court is the last place I want to go. My xh is the one that always brings it up. If he doesn't get his way he threatens me every chance he gets. He say we need to discuss so and so and we will discuss it but then he will say how he feels something should be done and if I disagree and suggest something, he says ok we will take this to court. Everything lately ends with we can deal with this in court or I will just leave and disappear from their lives. This is a control issue and now that I am fighting him and standing up to him and voicing my opinions for the first times ever he seems to get irrational and go overboard. I haven't spoken to him for three days now because I am trying to let things cool down and allow his some time to really think about stuff. I will work with him and compromise with him but I will NOT allow him to get his way just to stay out of court. I will NOT stand back anymore and not speak up. He wants his cake and to eat it to. He and I have never been able to communicate and I have tried but haven't gotten very far.

needtounderstand - As far as changing the visitation, it isn't that I don't want to change it or am afraid to change it. My xh isn't thinking about the whole picture. I understand completely that he wants to spend more time with our boys. I have never stopped him from seeing them ever. Usually he is telling me he can't get them or have them over. I feel that I bend over backwards and give him opportunities and he doesn't take them. I just want to do this slowly for my children's sake.........they just became comfortable recently with their lives and I don't want to upheave to much at one time. I have always had their best interests at heart.....always.

Kathy

Again, thank you all for your responses! I feel less stressed talking to others going through the same thing and it helps so much to get different opinions and ideas.

wifty - I very much appreciate your last post. I don't want anyone to think that I am keeping my xh from our children. I have never done that nor will I ever do that. My xh has always had things his way and I always allowed it.....now that I stand up for what I believe is right he has become more irrational than he has ever been. My counselor and pastor both believe he has BPD. I also believe this. I want my children to see their father and spend time with their father and I have given my xh opportunities to spend more time with them and I constantly tell him that if he wants to do something with them or take them somewhere and it isn't his night or weekend to please call me at least 2 days prior, I have absolutely no problem. He has not ever to this day taken advantage of this. He is too busy. He was too busy when we were married so nothing has changed. I feel strongly that a schedule is in order for us with flexibility as the control will be out of his hands. He doesn't like this at all.

tewjtm - Court is the last place I want to go. My xh is the one that always brings it up. If he doesn't get his way he threatens me every chance he gets. He say we need to discuss so and so and we will discuss it but then he will say how he feels something should be done and if I disagree and suggest something, he says ok we will take this to court. Everything lately ends with we can deal with this in court or I will just leave and disappear from their lives. This is a control issue and now that I am fighting him and standing up to him and voicing my opinions for the first times ever he seems to get irrational and go overboard. I haven't spoken to him for three days now because I am trying to let things cool down and allow his some time to really think about stuff. I will work with him and compromise with him but I will NOT allow him to get his way just to stay out of court. I will NOT stand back anymore and not speak up. He wants his cake and to eat it to. He and I have never been able to communicate and I have tried but haven't gotten very far.

needtounderstand - As far as changing the visitation, it isn't that I don't want to change it or am afraid to change it. My xh isn't thinking about the whole picture. I understand completely that he wants to spend more time with our boys. I have never stopped him from seeing them ever. Usually he is telling me he can't get them or have them over. I feel that I bend over backwards and give him opportunities and he doesn't take them. I just want to do this slowly for my children's sake.........they just became comfortable recently with their lives and I don't want to upheave to much at one time. I have always had their best interests at heart.....always.

Kathy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by franklymydears:
<strong>[QUOTE] Children are very adaptable and find change less disruptive than we do. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't mean to be grouchy here, but I disagree and I completely understand what Abandoned Mom is talking about. Children are not always "adaptable" and they do not always find change less disruptive than we do. My children are relatively old (16yo and 14yo), and right after their dad moved out they had a VERY rough time because the parenting time with their dad was not set--it was irregular and as avaiable for about a month.

In their little heads--even though they are TEENAGERS--they did not know where they would be when, who they would be with, or how to prepare themselves...would it be for a few hours or overnight, could they call their friends or go to their events?? It all seemed too up-in-the-air, and it felt like they had no foundation in their life.

Then we agreed to a schedule that seemed appropriate to my stbxH and I. It was regular and dependable. NOW, the kids could finally adapt to it and start to plan their lives a bit. On this day and that day, they are with dad and they know it's coming and they know it's overnight. It's is solid and the WORST that can happen is if he's "out of town" and they have to stay at home with mom. They have a routine, and that makes them feel comfortable and dependable.

Now, on an occasion it will be a sunny weekend day and off-the-cuff dad will call and say, "Want to go hit a bucket of balls?" or "Want to go to the movies with me?" and then there is an impromptu get-together. But then again, the kids know that if they have something else planned, they can say, "Dad, I'm going to the mall with Tiffany. Can we do it some other time?" In addition, Dad gets the schedule for all of their practices and games, so he can come to all of those events and often, afterward, he'll take them out for a soda. Those little times are "extras" and are the flexibility that everyone is talking about.

Unless I'm mistaken, Abandoned Mom is having trouble because her XH wants to change the regular, routine, foundation visits--and the kids just got used to that routine and they just finally got comfortable. Now DAD's schedule has changed so he wants to disrupt everyone else's life to suite his! IMHO, that is not about those pleasant "extras" or flexibility--that's about selfishness!

Abandoned Mom, may I make a suggestion? He used to work 3p-11p and will soon work 8a-5p, right?? And he has the boys, for example, every other weekend and on Thursdays. Keep your schedule as it is when he starts his new regular hours, but see if you can add a regular, scheduled additional time--like Thursdays and Fridays begining when school is over. That kind of schedule the boys can adapt to, and it won't disrupt school...they can adapt to it during the summer months and then get into the swing of THAT new schedule. It would be ADDING to the dependable routine.

Okay?? {{{{{{{{{{AbandonedMom}}}}}}}}}}}.

CJ

<small>[ April 23, 2003, 03:39 PM: Message edited by: FaithfulWife ]</small>

cj,

You are exactly right on the money with your post. All I meant to say was that sometime we underestimate kids and their abilities to adapt.

But you are right...they do need routine, stability and security first and foremost.

I like your suggestion.

I agree with FaithfulWife. Every time my kids got used to a visitation schedule, my H would change it - nine times out of ten to cut back further. They never know what time he is going to show up to pick them up on weekends, or what time they are going to come home - and, for a couple of them especially, it drives them crazy. One of my kids just a few weeks ago insisted that her father wasn't going to show up because it was getting later and later and he still hadn't come - even though he has always shown up eventually, the one consistent thing he has done. Consistency is extremely important for a lot of kids, particularly many, many kids with learning disabilities. Many kids do not adapt to changes at all well.

I believe children need both parents in their lives and not just every other weekend. Unless one parent is abusive. I especially believe that boys need their dad.

I would be delighted if my ex wanted to be more a part of my boys lives and I would welcome adjusting to a new schedule. I would also think I would be selfish and hogging the boys if I didn't give him more time with them.

If after a time of this change my boys don't like the change, then and only then would I reconsider.

Sadly he doesn't want more time at this point. Only every other weekend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I hope some day he will change and be more a part of their lives.

ANNA

Come on....

The man just completely changed his job from a second shift job to a normal hour job...

Are you going to sit there and say that because he has done this, his time shouldn't be changed as well?

This is a major change. This is not just because. Had his job been like this, I doubt very much that he would have agreed to the current schedule. I am sorry, and truthfully, I don't know what sort of things have happened. However, what I see now is a dad that is trying to improve... Trying to improve his availability... WANTS to improve his time with his children... Has made the effort to do this... And is being shot down because everyone has 'settled'. I daresay that I bet your children would rather have a little 'shake up' and be able to see their dad, than to have an artificial schedule designed around a job that is no more. This smacks of manipulation and control rather than truly looking out for the children.

I am sorry Abandoned mom. I do not take his side. I merely look at what your children might be saying in ten years. His position has improved and he is desirous of more involvement with his children. I understand what he did in the past was horrible, however, this change might just benefit your children more than you could imagine. Schedules are great as long as they fulfill a requirement. However, things have changed it sounds like, and you have an ex who wants to be involved with his children. Don't squander that, because if he is fickle, he might just end up seeing less and less of them and then YOU would be part of the problem of your children rather than the solution.

I don't want to ruffle any feathers, but look past the past and see what he is doing NOW !!! From your own message, he sounds as though he wants to be more involved with his children, has made changes and now has more time, and is willing to do it. How in the world would you ever explain to your children why you wouldn't change the schedule to help them to be more involved with him as well?

I know that I might ruffle everyone a bit. I am the BS and hate the action. But I am also the dad, and I know the desire to be with my boy's. And woe to the person who tried to stop me. Think about your children's future rather than your past.

I mean this in the best way A M... I have read your posts for several months now, and I feel the anger and pain just as deeply as you. I hope you can see this as an opinion, not an attack.

Nellie1 & franklymydears - All I want for my children is stability, routine and security. It took a very long time for them to attain this. I want them to spend time with their dad but to take it slowly.

Anna2000 - I also believe children need both parents in their lives. I have never stopped my xh from seeing the boys and I won't start now, all I am asking is that he takes it slow for their sake.

Formerly Confused - Yes, I know my xh is changing to normal working hours and this is really great for our boys. I never told him that his time with the boys couldn't or wouldn't be changed, just that the change needed to be gradual.

Our 7 year old has been going to counseling for about 6 months now and has worked through alot of issues and just finally has become more stable and secure..........he had some drastic behavior problems and his schoolwork had started suffering, etc. He is having a more difficult time then his younger brother who is 3. All I want for my children is a gradual change so as not to shake them up too much.........they are at a really good place right now in their lives and I don't want drastic change for them. The oldest is presently having transition problems at his father's house and wants to come home ever time he is over there. This has been going on now for about 3 months and we are both trying to help him with this and explain to him how important it is for him to spend time with his father. More than anything, my oldest is the one I am more concerned about..........he is very sensitive and does not adapt to change very well.

I have absolutely no problem with my xh spending more time with the boys at all. When he was working 2nd shift I always made an attempt to allow him extra time with them because of his schedule as hard as it was on me. Whenever I need to go somewhere or do something I always call him first to take care of the boys.

It does bother me thought that we can't compromise.....it is always and has always been his way or threats. He did this to me throughout our marriage and I won't allow it to be thrown at me. Threats don't work anymore. What he isn't understanding is that I am with the boys everyday and I see how they are adjusting and never, never would I keep them from him out of selfishness. I really feel that I am doing what I need to do to protect them.

My xh was the one who walked out and left us and ran into another woman's arms........and then paraded around with her with my children while we were still married.....and when my oldest asked him who she was and why he was with her when he was married to mommy my xh told him we were already divorced. My xh was the one who stood in my doorway after taking my children on a trip with him and his woman and started threatening to take the children from me if I kept telling him I didn't want them around his woman and then in front of both boys because he didn't get his way and I refused to back down that he would just leave and never come back again and would never see the boys again and it would be all my fault........and then came at me and I called the police out of fear of being hit. My xh was the one that married the ow 6 months after our divorce was final and our children refused to be at the wedding or a part of it. My xh verbally, emotionally and mentally abused me and the boys. My oldest has never forgotten what his father said that day. My xh has treated my oldest very unfairly throught his childhood and has emotionally beat him down since he was little. My youngest won't stand for this, he is very outspoken and stubborn. All I am trying to show here is that I want to protect my children in the way I wasn't able to protect them before because I wasn't brave enough to stand up to my xh. I pray everyday that even though we are divorced that maybe, just maybe he has found some peace in his life and won't treat the boys the way he used to and abuse them the way he used to. As hard as it is to let them go to him I do know it is important for them to be with their father.

I do not want to go to court. My xh threatened me before our divorce went through that if I hired an attorney and contested the divorce and if I argued with him about anything that he would take the children.......I was still under his control and manipulation and was scared to death so I didn't fight anything......the whole divorce was orchestrated by him, I was only able to make a few changes. To this day I don't regret that decision because I kept my children out of court and out of the middle of a child custody battle. I have told my xh repeatedly that I am very willing to sit down with him and make changes as long as we can compromise and no threats are involved. I still feel this way. If he wants to go to court, he will have to make the first step. I feel it is important to my children and me and my xh that we have some sort of schedule to go by with flexibility so that everyone knows what is going on and thereby keeping the arguments to a minimum between me and my xh and giving the children a sense of stability and security.

I do appreciate your post very much. I just want you to understand that even though there is still some anger and some pain that I don't base my decisions on that as hard as it is. I have bent over backwards for my xh regarding time with the children and I will continue to do so....I truly do have their best interests in mind.

Kathy

It's been my experience, that the more adaptable and flexible the custodial parent is...the better the children's chances of adapting.

My children are now adults, but, they've all said that they loved not feeling like they came from a "broken" family. They didn't feel like they came from a broken family because we were all flexible and cooperative. We had a "framework" rather than a schedule. I treated my x's "extra" visitation the same way I would IF my child had been invited to spend the night at a friend's house (or attend an event, etc). If I would have said, "Sure, have fun" if it had been a friend of my child's, I said, "Sure, have fun" if it was their Dad's request. And, for the record, I was the BS.

In many cases, once the custodial parent finds something else to occupy their time with, the less important the "schedule" becomes. I think it's important to move beyond the minutiae of divorce, so the kids don't remain fixated on it. IMHO, THAT'S what really helps children adapt.

Just some thoughts. My kids were 10, 8 & 5 when their dad and I split up. It's a tragedy when children get pulled between 2 people who "love" them. I'm not saying that anyone is intentionally doing that...I'm just saying it does happen and kids don't adjust to that, particularly well.

My x was also a manipulative and controlling man, so I do understand the idea that it "feels" as though he's still trying to control. Look at it this way. It takes two to play tug-of-war...if you drop your end of the rope, he's playing by himself. CHOOSING to be cordial and cooperative takes away the power of the controlling x.

Or put another way, don't fight the battles you cannot win (and I don't just mean in a court of law), don't negotiate the battles you cannot lose (this is where you exert your control) and save your energies to fight for the things that REALLY matter. Taking every opportunity to "prove" you can't be controlled any more, accomplishes nothing but adding stress to you which trickles down to the children. If it's NOT a big deal to you, it probably won't be a big deal to your children.

Again, just my thoughts...I haven't dealt with visitation in a number of years. When their Dad wanted to see them, I made them available.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The oldest is presently having transition problems at his father's house and wants to come home ever time he is over there. This has been going on now for about 3 months and we are both trying to help him with this and explain to him how important it is for him to spend time with his father. More than anything, my oldest is the one I am more concerned about..........he is very sensitive and does not adapt to change very well.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">my daughter is having trouble coming to my place, and the reason is because of her mom, not me. her mom constantly fights with me, has her BF and his kids over and does not allow d to play with her friends. X constantly puts me down, plays i am the better parent because I don't impose rules or responsibility, and I do. So who looks bad?

my point is always be careful what you are saying and doing. I now have to tap record all phone conversations because she denies yelling and screaming on the phone. Just be sure you are practicing what you preach.

wiftty

BeenThereMyself - You don't know how hard I am trying to stay calm and focused on my children only and not myself. It was very hard to get to this point to separate the two. I do not feel I am controlling my xh in anyway. I feel that I am being flexible as far as my children are concerned.........I don't want to be threatened everytime I turn around. It takes everything I have NOT to lose it with my xh........for some time now I have been able to interrupt conversations and stop them because of where they are going. My children have been on a roller coaster ride and now are starting to settle down and I strongly believe they need this time to really soak in everything going on around them. As I have said before, we have a schedule but because of my xh's work we don't follow it very much and I have had and still have no problem with this. I constantly suggest more time with them and mostly it is thrown aside. All I am asking of him now is gradual change.

wiftty - I don't think I explained well the transition problem going on with my oldest. My xh called me a week ago and told me about this, I knew nothing about it. My xh was having problems with our oldest not listening, saying he doesn't feel good when it is time to go to bed and ultimately saying he wants to go home. My xh asked me if I could just let him stay with me on one of his visitation weekends and not let our son do anything but stay in his room all day and that way he will want to come to his house. I told him no. He said that he ends up spanking our son and disciplining him the next day and that there isn't much quality time for them. He wanted to know what he should do. I told him that I didn't know but that from my end I would reinforce to Justin that he is too young to make the decision of not going and that it is very important for him to spend time with his dad. I have done this and will continue to do this.

I am very careful with my children around and when others are around my children to not say anything negative about their dad or even his wife. I even sat down with my family members about this and stressed the importance of them not saying things around them about their daddy that was negative. I always make sure that phone calls between my xh and I are when the boys are not present or when they are sleeping and I keep the phone calls short and "sweet". As hard as it is sometimes not to react to my xh I sure do bite my tongue ALOT!

Kathy

Kathy,

I know you aren't meaning to put it this way but when you say things like, "I am allowing him a couple of hours..." I want you to put yourself in his shoes. What if the tables were turned and he had the children for the most part and he said, "Kathy I am being fair, I am even going to allow you two hours with your children tomorrow night?" How would you feel? See my point. I am suggesting you change your wording a little and say something like, "I want to compromise with you. Can we come up with an agreement that slowly gives the boys more time with you?"

Judges are going more and more with 50/50 and taking alot of child support away, then one parent often ends up being the one to buy the things the other parent doesn't think they need, like shoes, sports, clothes etc., If he takes you back to court, this might happen. Work out something with him now.

Your ex also needs to realize because he doesn't see them much, the children aren't going to want to go be with him. The way to break them of this is to plan outtings and spend time together with them. My children hated the change and going to see their father at first, but now they enjoy it and look forward to it. I have to give it to my ex for that one, he is spending time with them when they do come. He takes them on hikes and listens to them...I just wish it was more than every other week, and that he was a little more stable of a person...

I also think my ex is finally getting that I really do want him to be in the kids lives, things seem to have calmed down...at least for now.

Take care and good luck,

ANNA