ITSOVER- It doesn't take Chris or me or probably anyone else to "pass judgement" on you- You are pretty clear with your posts. All the ones I have seen have had a negative, haha my x is miserable and I am happy, kind of tone. In my experience, the people that gloat the most are the most miserable. And I hope beyond anything that out of all this mess, instead of blaming my WH for everything that went wrong, that I can look at what needs changed in me. That is the most important thing to me - you gloating about your x is just letting your x control you- and yes, with your attitude, I am afraid you will be miserable again. Of course, I don't know you and could be wrong- but I get that vibe from you. JMHO!

You can have your opinion. But, you have to hear what Im saying also. I begged for my EX to work things out....she said NO and turned to another. Well, her fling fell apart and I ended up meeting someone wonderful. Its NOT gloating....its the truth....it happened.....she dumped on me and her plan backfired. How am I supposed to feel? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I do not hate her at all....I have to see her all the time because of the kids...but I cant help feeling the tears are for a failed fling more than anything to do with me.

You can have your opinion. But, you have to hear what Im saying also.
I do. I'm not saying you necessarily did anything you shouldn't have back then except maybe dating too early. Gotta have time to process what happened (your marriage, the affair and the divorce) without any outside distractions, ie. other relationships.

I cant help feeling the tears are for a failed fling more than anything to do with me.
Her tears are probably for everything including the marriage failing and yes, the affair falling apart.

This is one big reason Harley says to wait. Give the affair time to die, cause it will, before you move on. In your case she divorced you and there was not much you could do about that.

But now that you are divorced for a while, look back at your marriage and learn from it. Don't just say it fell apart because she had an affair (that is why it ended.)

Can you honestly say that you did not enjoy anytime in your marriage? Was it a living heck all the time? Probably not. So don't pretend it was because she had an affair.

As for the EX she is going thru major drama with the other guy and his wife.....hahahaha.....what a joke. I guess ol dude was worth wreckin a family over....funny part is....I heard he was going to couseling to try and save his marriage. It sure was enjoyable watching the EX cry her eyeballs out at church this easter weekend....
This is what I am tryng to say.

Don't be like, "see, she got what she deserved."
Be mor elike, "she made a decision and it turned out crap for her."
The 1st way is gloating and reveling because it happened. The other is just a fact.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Be mor elike, "she made a decision and it turned out crap for her."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactly.

ITSOVER: I hear what you are saying. Believe me. I had D-day #1, tried to get him to quit his job and sell his car to get away, instead he got deeper into the mess he made, and D-day #2 came because she is pregnant with his child. IT is awful, I begged for him to stay, he didn't, he messed up bad, and we are now divorced. But I helped the marriage go bad, I did not end it by having an affair and I did everythingI Could to put it back together and he didn't accept. That was a choice he made. He hates what he did, he is disgusted with himself, and because I cared and respected and LOVED him so much...I love him more because he NEEDS it. I am letting him go and trusting God in the process, which is why I can't just start dating- I want to examine what I did to cause damage in the relationship and improve myself, and then give myself time to heal..and if the Lord wants us to reconcile, we will and if He doesn't, then I know he has a better plan. But I wish no harm on my EX> in spite of all the ugliness that occurred.

adgirl48....I cant believe what Im reading. Im sorry, but you are sounding like a sucker to me. Forgive him and take him back possibly?? If you hear god telling you that....I doubt it would be god! What you did to push your EX out the door in noway gave him permission to cheat and then get another woman pregnant. How could you put blame on yourself for that? How could you ever trust someone like that again??? I dont know...I just dont see things like alot here on the forum. There are too many people in this world to meet and have a decent relationship with than trying to salvage a busted up, severley damaged marriage. I lived it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ April 24, 2003, 02:41 PM: Message edited by: ITSOVER ]</small>

Hey adgirl48....sorry about the blast..we all are individuals and make our own decisions. Do what you feel is best for you....Im sure you will <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ...I just know I could not go back to my EX or someone like yours. Good luck and god bless. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ITSOVER: OH no, I think you misunderstood. I didn't do ANYTHING to make him have an affair or get another woman pregnant. Nothing can make him do that. I did everything under the sun to reconcile, and it didn't happen. What I AM saying, is that I can forgive him, for my own emotional health, and still have compassion for him instead of hatred or instead of hoping that something bad happens to him. Do I hope he is miserable with the OW? Yes. Because I don't know how they could be happy with all the wreckage they caused and what they did is not love, it is lust. BUT I want him to be happy and I want him to grow closer to the Lord through this, and by being forgiving and gracious, I know that I can feel that I did everything and anything possible and can move on...with or without WH. Being a sucker would have been if I had continued to let him talk to me and to the OW.

In case it sounded like I was contradicting myself, When I say I want him to be miserable with her, I mean because I think that he (and OW) could be so much better than this mess. I think that they could truly turn their lives around for good, but as long as they are drowning in the fog or the sin or whatever you want to call it, that isn't going to happen.

itsover: I didn't take it as a blast. So don't worry about that. And I don't think i pushed him out the door, I just think I could have been less angry and demanding and impatient. When you are in a marriage, committed for life, you should be able to work on anything that comes your way- and my WH chose not to do that. That was the decision HE made, not me.

I hear you clearly......I DONT HATE MY EX or have hatred towards her at all. As a matter of fact I just spoke to her an hour ago about our sons soccer game saturday. But, I dayum sure dont feel sorry for the hurt she is feeling. She brought upon herself. Oh well, gotta go now. Need to email my fiance and tell her I love her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Reading threads like this make me realize how utterly blessed I am that my first H and I get along as well as we do.

He's never laughed at my problems, and if I were crying, he would offer support. It goes the same back to him. We loved each other for a long time, and we didn't stop caring because of a piece of paper.

I hope you never have to suffer, and if you do, I hope that people treat you more kindly than you do your ex.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ITSOVER:
<strong> But, I dayum sure dont feel sorry for the hurt she is feeling. She brought upon herself. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, and about this quote...

Know anyone who smokes? Would you say they deserve to have lung cancer or heart disease? Or would you instead have compassion for their pain, which is real, no matter how it came about?

Please think about it.

[/QUOTE]Oh, and about this quote...

Know anyone who smokes? Would you say they deserve to have lung cancer or heart disease? Or would you instead have compassion for their pain, which is real, no matter how it came about?

Please think about it.[/QB][/QUOTE]

This is an easy one to answer. Yes, they do deserve it. But you can help them thru their pain.
I think it is healthy to see people suffer because of bad decisions they made. Otherwise, we are just playing house, playing dress-up. Where we all are now is a result of decisions that we made. And where we are going will be the result of our decisions. I can have compassion for someone who made a bad decision and tries to rectify things. But not for repeat offenders.
One of the best quotes - "Life is tough, it's even tougher when you are stupid."

All he needs is time. I just hope he doesn't put the responsibilities of the X on the new woman.
Please don't make her prove herself to you over and over again. Truly know what you need, ask for it, and take it when she gives it to you. Listen to what she needs from you and give it willingly, openheartedly, without holding back out of fear of rejection. If you feel like it's never enough, ask yourself why.
I realize in the beginning of all relationships the LB's are filling up rapidly. I hope your new lady knows this concept. I hope she's reading this material too. She has to do the same things you do. This is why JPA is soooooo important. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I truly hope you and she can help each other overcome the wounds from the people in your pasts.
Prove them wrong!
If this can happen, and is happening, this is a wedding that I will truly celebrate!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
You are in my heart and in my prayers.

Aly

Thanks for the comments all. I totally agree with
Okieman though. Anyhow, thanks Aly. My fiance is on the same page with most things that I am....I realize that my EX wasnt at all. We really werent compatible. I still tried to make it work and basically it was her way or noway. Absolutely no compromise. My fiance is sooooo different......its not even funny. She is my best friend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />