Well Friday, the kids and I were sitting in the hotel parking lot at 2:00pm as that was the time they were to arrive, we waited and waited then I get a call on my cell that he would not be able to leave because his dad was sick. He knew about this at 10:30am and just then called me as the kids and I were waiting. Needless to say their hearts and mine as well were crushed but we made the best of it and waited until the next day to see him.. He arrived the next day at 2:30pm and like I expected he was just like he was when he left totally drugged out and could barely keep his head up. We took the kids swimming and he just kind of sat there, he kept asking me why I was looking at him so strange, well he has gained nearly 30lbs since I had seen him last and eyes were very glazed. We then got to the room and fed the kids dinner, and got them ready for bed, he then just passed out about 7:30pm. Well he did what I expected he hugged me and kissed me when he saw me but that was about it, he told me how much he missed me and that he can't live without me and that we will be together...Anyway nothing happened so that was a saving grace of course he was catatonic so obviously the Lord was looking out for me. The kids even said "Mom is dad high?" What do you say to that....I just told them that he was very tired from the trip that was all. My oldest daughter promptly reminded me that it was because of his medication....you can't fool them no matter how hard you try....Well the next day was Easter and we were suppose to go to church, my mother had bought all of them new outfits and shoes and was crushed when we didn't show, I feel so badly for that we then she made sure she was going to get even and let me know exactly what she thought of me....well that night the kids said goodbye to their father and he and I and my husbands father went to dinner to discuss the future arrangements ect....my father went crazy and wrote down the license plate of the car and said if I was not home in 2 hours he was calling the police, which was totally unwarranted...he was screaming he has control now .........so I feel totally out of control and feel as though I have no control of anything... I was very distraught....my kids told me they loved me and not to worry that it was ok...I hated to leave but they wanted me to talk to their dad, they somehow thought I could convince him to stay....Anyway I went that night with them and when we began talking I just fell apart, I told him everything that the kids and I have gone through since he left and the hurt and pain and that if he loved me he would never have done this too us...and of course his reply is that he does love us he just couldn't live in the same house with my parent's anymore, even though it was his idea. He chose his own peace of mind over his family and that is what is killing me, that me and the kids aren't worth fighting for that he doesn't love me enough to not let me go....I can't even begin to describe the pain, I know you all understand what I am talking about. WELL THEN I CRUMBLE INTO HIS ARMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!He wouldn't let me go home he got us a hotel room and just like old times the only thing that was never screwed up was our sex life and I made a huge mistake.....Everyone told me what was going to happen and I thought I could be strong and there I was begging and pleading again to please not leave and he drove off without a look back, I am back to ground zero and feel so cheap.....my kids are acting out today...my son is to be sent to juvenile hall tomorrow because of his anger...I have been hurt all over again. I have to keep to plan b I can't do this again. He tells me he wants us together and that if we get counseling we can be together again that if I do what I need to....not him..he says I need to wait for him until he gets it together and he will come and see me every 2 weeks (just to have sex) and then go back again.....he doesn't care about the finances or day to day living and raising the children.....I have to let go of him I can't do this anymore......I have to be strong but it hurts too bad....I had 24hours without the pain, and now its back again and I feel like he betrayed me all over again.....OH please help me to be strong.....

Mx8 - I'm sorry! I know even though you were forewarned, this is difficult. You HAVE to be strong and go to Plan B for both your sake and that of your kids. None of you deserve this .

It is imperative that your husband get individual counseling ASAP. I would make that a requirement if he wants to prove he wants to stay together. But remember, he needs to want to help himself first, before working on your marriage. (But it sounds like he is NOT interested in changing.) It also wouldn't hurt any of y'all to be in a 12-step program of some sort, Nar-anon, Al-anon, some even have programs for young children of those with substance abuse problems. They will really help you with the enabling that is so easy to fall into.

On another note, when you are writing a long post, like this one, it helps the reader if it is broken into paragraphs. It doesn't seem so overwhelming to read that way. Just hit your "enter" key twice to do that.

mx8,
I had a feeling that would happen only because we miss what once was, don't be so hard on yourself I probably would have done the same thing. NOW you have to work on yourself and I wish I had the answer on how but I don't have that much experience myself. Life just isn't fair sometime and we have to make the best of it and we are all here to help you through the tough times. Being strong is the hardest and I still have real bad days but when I do and I do something I know I shouldn't like call him I try not to be hard on myself. No one said we should be perfect and I must of losted my handbook on the do's and don'ts so I just do the best I can. Keep busy is the most important and with 8 children I think you might have that covered but don't forget yourself. No one is taken care of you but you so do things you like. The warm weather is coming so just take a walk or go to a park whatever it is just do something for yourself. I will be here to help you and WE WILL BE OKAY. (((((((MX8))))))))) LJ

Mommax8---I know how you feel!!!!! You are at the point where you want to do anything to have your family intact. I was there last year and because I wanted what was comfortable to me and what I thought was the only way to live, I accepted unacceptable behavior. It took me almost breaking down to make a final decision to stop the cycle of abuse.....The addictive persons thinking process is not wired right. He cannot think outside HIS little box. You are not a priority cause he is uncapable of connecting with you in a healthy way. He WILL use you cause his disease is full of denial and self-deception and very self-absorbing. A good book to read is ADDICTIVE THINKING by A. Twerski, MD.

It also wouldn't hurt any of y'all to be in a 12-step program of some sort, Nar-anon, Al-anon, some even have programs for young children of those with substance abuse problems. They will really help you with the enabling that is so easy to fall into.

This suggestion by Avondale25 is right on the money. It will transform your life if you work that program giving you the tools to recover from the hurt and pain of the life with an addicted person.

Like I said, I almost had a breakdown cause I thought I could not live without my H. I am living without him and doing it quite well. I am SO happy to be living in a world with normal people and not have to deal with the alcoholic mindset on a daily basis. WHAT FREEDOM. I do not make a lot of money and I thought I would never have a dime to spare. Well--I am doing fine financially and have some spare money to "play with".

You have a lot to deal with cause of the many children you have....if you get healthy, they will grow healthy and you will be blessed with all that love flowing in your life. AND you will not have 8 children living with you forever. You may have to put some of your plans on hold for awhile til some of the kids grow up but there is a chance for us all to find a loving relationship.

I feel very compelled right now to stop myself from thinking of future relationships cause I need to be fully healed and aware of WHY I chose someone like my H to commit my entire life to. My choice says something about me that I need to discover.

You just can't rush some things.....get over your pain with your H and grow through the changes you are experiencing. But don't let him bounce you around like a rubber ball.

God Bless,
TW

bumping up for momma

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

M8,

I missed reading your post and I feel so sad your heart was broken again. I know your so tenderhearted.

It's those lingering doubts, conflicts, expectations been there, done that, fell straight on my face, it unbelivably happens, your not alone. We are but human. I found that out in a jiffy quik.

Boy was I miffed at my self. But dusted my self off, picked my self back on the saddle again. The personal lesson I learned about myself when my won well of fortitude was depleted and the exhaustion levels set in- I was so vulnerable.

You needed to do, what you felt you needed to do,test the waters, for your marriage, children and family. The seperation period is designed for cooling off period to see if a marriage can be salvaged and couples to work through the baggage. Families are priceless how can we put a price tag on it.

Divorce is a permanant declaration and last resort for the irrepairable, or irreconcible.

You are free to do, what ever you need to do to heal, to reconcile, to walk away, let in, let go, relaspe a bit, and perhaps be totally clear. It's your life.

We are all at such a VULNERABLE time here, our emotions are all over the place, fatigued, exhausted, emotionally starving, confused, stressed out. Some more advanced on the trail of healing, further along in their recovery, victories, clearer, healthier, all our dynamics so unique.

Apart from the state of your STBX,behaviors your parents treatment and disrespect of you seems to be a huge concern here. Have you been able to evaluate their behaviors and their need to exert such unhealthy power/contol over you here?

I appreciate your folks good intentions and do not wish to be disrespectful to them. It seems thier reactions, outbursts and their comments to you of not wanting to watch your children not being their responibilties, while you go to divorce care seems rather counter productive to your healing.

IF your not be supported, relieved who will be there for your kids in the end? Makes perfect sense to be supportive since your the hub and glue of the stability/sanity of your family. To be treated like a human machine as to human being that you are. Are you expected to SUPER HUMAN?

Seems you might find the missing link of how you got mixed/messed up in your relationship.

In my IMHO as our STBX have serious issues, we too are selves have family orgin issues of how we were brought up to resolve as well.

It appears that our STBX couldn't handle the dynamics of growing up with their dsyfunctional parents escaped pain through drugs/alchol to cope with their early on set childhood,adolsent DEPRESSION.

We on the other hand must of had different coping skills to numb or shut out the pain. Peeling off the layers one at time.

Since we are dealing with BI-Polarism here. I have found a lot of interesting insight on this particular website, which you might find to be helpful. Good strategies which may be complimentry and help with regaining your bearings. Back in the saddle again!!!

www.wingsaseaglesministries.com

Momma8

I missed the part about your son having to go to Jeuv hall. I feel so terrible sad for all you, especially with your son acting out his anger.

Your son is so desperately craving male attention and boundries to restrain his pain/wounds. My son acting out is so hard to take.

Sounds like we will need to contact all the prayer support lines in N.America for pray for ourselves to give us protection, strength and more emotional/spiritual armor for our families.

We are getting creamed and we so need to be replenished.