you said

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">After a few weeks, I started dating again and eventually ran into the woman of my dreams. My fiance and I both had spouses that cheated, so we know how bad it feels and we both would never betray one another. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess I am afraid to move on because I am in the depth of the lonliness, you see I am only 32 but I have alot of responsibilities that one would steer clear of as my stbxh says "you really think someone would want you with 8 kids that aren't even halfway raised yet" he tells me that he is it for me and I can choose to be lonely forever or take him when ever I can get him. I know that sounds foolish but when that is put into your head even though you know its not true you can't help to stop and think.

I dream of someone to love me as I loved my stbxh, that their heart would jump knowing I was on the other end of the line instead of telling the kids "the wicked one is calling" I have a huge heart and I am afraid of it being hardened by this. I don't want to end up bitter and hating every man I come in contact with....I don't want a relationship right now because I want to focus on just me and the kids, but I am human.

I never thought I would go through so much pain, I just got back from a funeral, and I just feel so emotionally drained....I feel so weak right now and I am struggling to be strong, I have my divorcecare class tonight, and I will cry my eyes out and get some support. When he left I was crushed, this time it was even more devastating because he made a conscience decision without being under the influence and left me again. The rejection and the reality that it is really over this time has hit me harder than before.....like I said I am so tired of the pain.....

<small>[ April 23, 2003, 01:42 PM: Message edited by: mommax8 ]</small>

mommax8......I know how you feel. My WAW told me that I lost the best thing that ever happened to me even before the divorce was final. That really hurt me. My fiance was told by her EX that she would never find anyone to love her....guess what?? She did!!! and both of our EXs are stunned!!! Neither thought we would both find happiness again. So, what Im saying is......there is always someone for someone....it can be scary, but you will make it. It will take time, I must have gone on 20 dates before I met THE ONE!!! Hey, lastly....you EX sounds like a real jerk to say the 8 child thing to you.....he helped you make those children. How cruel <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> If you need any support, just holla at me. Oh, by the way....My fiance has a 6yr old son, and I have a 2yr old and a 6yr old from the WAW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am very happy for you and please believe me when I say I am not trying to have a pity party here and that it is woe is me, I just have to be realistic here. I have 8 wonderful beautiful bright children that I would feel certain someone would love me and them too. But, not only my stbxh has said that too me. Unfortunately it has been made into a joke when ever I talk to people just aquaintances not true friends that is. Oh as soon as someone finds out you have 8 kids you will have to move aside because they are gonna be running. That hurts really bad. Or if I am just introduced to a complete stranger and they find out my husband just left me and I have 8 kids they are so cruel to say "with 8 kids I would have left too". People can be cruel and I know that it shouldn't hurt me, but why kick someone while they are down......

I truly appreciate your words of encouragement and I will hold them close and dear too me because there will be a person out there for me one day and it very well may be when all my kids are all grown, but right now I just want to love my kids and let them know that they are worth everything to me and I will never leave them....

Thank you so much.......

You are very welcome.....and trust me, this too will pass!! (the initial hurt and down times)

You never know who you will eventually meet. You may end up with a guy that is divorced with sole custody of 9 kids!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Have a great day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I must have gone on 20 dates before I met THE ONE!!!
You make it sound like 20 dates is a lot to meet your (2nd) partner for life???

<small>[ April 23, 2003, 05:27 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

Im not trying to make it sound like anything....If I would have went on the first date and met my fiance that would have been ok. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

That brings up a good point Chris....what is the exact amount of time before ya marry someone?? I have read a plethera of threads from people who dated for years before marriage...were married 10-20yrs and still didnt make it. Ive seen people marry after 6wks and have been married for years and are still happy. The answer is........there is no answer. Who knows who and when you will meet your "parter for life". It Just Happens! Have a good day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Who knows what the time frame is? But I was responding to your comment, "I must have gone on 20 dates before I met THE ONE!!!"

The way it was worded and emphasized, it seems as if you were stating you had been slogging along through a gazillion people and having a VERY hard time meeting ANYONE.

<small>[ April 24, 2003, 10:46 AM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

Sounds like you dont like people who have moved on?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hey!, lets hear your story!

<small>[ April 24, 2003, 11:02 AM: Message edited by: ITSOVER ]</small>

Sounds like you dont like people who have moved on?!
It does? How so?

You were dating even before you were divorced. You were happy to see your ex crying at church.
You are engaged in less than a year after a divorce.

Sounds like you never gave yourself a chance to move on... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ April 24, 2003, 11:03 AM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

You have some nerve.....you cant just analyse someones situation like that. Whatever man. Have a good day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You have some nerve
??? Some nerve to what?

you cant just analyse someones situation like that.
???

I can't "analyze" a situation from what is described to me? Isn't that what we do with everything we read here?

You posted and I commented based on books and articles and what me & others have been through.

What is funny? You are the type of person who thinks a book is gonna solve all problems....sometimes the answer is just NOT in the book. I went to counseling before, I read books....and you know what? Sometimes people are screwed up and there is no answer. My EX told the counselor we went to that she didnt know what was wrong with her.....she just felt she was missing on something in life. She said she didnt blame me, so why am I to feel bad and frustrated?? Please tell me! I gave my life to a woman and had kids with her and bought a home with her, only for her to tell me that she feels the grass could possibly be greener elsewhere! She turns to another man to make herself happy. Some time, and I mean sometimes you just cant make someone happy. It took me a long time to figure that one out. Ya know what MR KNOW IT ALL!!! My fiance is just happy being with me period....the EX...Not even the $7K ring I bought her made her happy. Not loving on her made her happy, not the house, the kids, or the new cars! Its her....she has something in her that is not right. Her PARENTS admitted she just wants, and wants, and wants and doesnt reciprocate. No book is gonna fix that!

What is funny?
Jerry Seinfeld?

You are the type of person who thinks a book is gonna solve all problems
That is not my thinking. But learning & understanding a situation from other points of view will help to get through the situation.

Sometimes people are screwed up and there is no answer
My feelings exactly.

Ya know what MR KNOW IT ALL!!!
This is a question and should have been ended with a question mark. (I AM Mr. Know it all)
I sense a LOT of hostility and anger in your posts (not just at me but regarding your ex/marriage.)

No book is gonna fix that!
I never said it would. I was explaining that I have been there done that & read the book, so I am not just talking about something which I do not have the knowledge/experience.

ITSOVER- You protest so much - seems like you are a little defensive for someone who seems to know so much....
Your EX loved you just the way you were at one point I am betting too-
Maybe you should concentrate on what is within you that could be changed for the better instead of trying to drag someone else down - so much energy used on someone who isn'ty even in your life anymore...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Maybe you should concentrate on what is within you that could be changed for the better instead of trying to drag someone else down - so much energy used on someone who isn'ty even in your life anymore...[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A beautiful fiance! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

beautiful fiance for now, ITSOVER. But what are you going to do if she makes mistakes...you sound very bitter to me.

Na...been there done that. She was in a relationship with an individual whom was like my EX. We are on the same page with just about everything. We do not even argue the same....like we both did with our EXs....we have learned alot from those disasters. Both of our EXs had affairs on us.....neither one of us could ever do that. We talk alot...and she is my best friend. Thanks for the concern....I can understand why. Have a good day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Momma8,

Moving on is hard to do-especially when you have 8 children, look at the all burdens placed unfairly on you.

You are movin on everyday and making tremendous progress with barely any support. Living with someone who is mentally ill takes an unbelivable toll especially on YOU&kids.

We bear the scars and giant wounds from being psychologically/emotionally injured by the person/s, who are pathologically sick. Day in and day out of the relationship and more so during the seperation/divorce process.

How can one not one experince "shattering" under the weight, gravity and complexities living with such oppressive circumstances.

In cases like ours rebound doesn't just happen overnight and healing from the intense devaluation/rejection process is difficult process to over come.

Rebound for some can be fairly smoother transition especially if they have a good solid foundation/experinces of being loved, cared, made to feel valuable.

Overall validated primarily from parents in childhood yrs& self validated and complimented by relatively healthy marriage partner.

It would appear the transition for emotionally well loved people becomes somewhat smoother as they have thier core componets still in tack.
Although of course they hurt. Repairing one self from the their wounds may not be as deep or take as long. Less damages to heal from.

Then there are rebounders, in many cases I belive jump immediately into relationships as quik fix/response as they can avoid their self fears of being faced with themselves and issues. Simply transfer their baggage unresolved issues over to to another party start re-create the cycle all over.

Odd rebounder that finds an immediate healthier connection but so rare.

I know that this is my struggle and the strong false message that got planted in my head like a constant drip of water. Conditioning, that I am worthless and have been so devalued by those I have loved the most.

The more work I do on myself, I find a wider chasam of how terribly sick and unstable my primary love connections with my parents and STBX were/are. The power they have held over in my life and their inability to love primiarly since they were all hurt. Hurt people, hurt people.

As for the seperation process I couldn't see my self out dating for several very good logical reasons.

1. I respect my GOD

2. I respect myself and my children.

3. I am still legally married and do not have unfortunately have closure yet.

4. I don't wish to cause my children more pain, hurt& suffering. They have already lost one parent and have been severly rejected,abandoned, devalued and dis. Extensive damage has been done to them with life long damaging consequences.

5. Disentanglement, resettlement and adjustment work takes time from an life altering experince for ourselves and children.

6. Lots of grief work, cleansing, recovery and healing work needs to be done on my part and assist too my children in their part.

7. Emotional divorcing from our STBX's requires time engery. Rooting out the hurt, bitterness, anger, pain, disappointment, embitterment, rejection, discouragement, overcoming deep personal remorse for getting involved with these types of wounded people.

Feelings we have buried underneath for years surpressed that results from an unsatisfying union.

The frustrations from the wasted engeries, wasted years, trying to make it work with our STBX, as this process I belive applies to my children. Unhealthy cycles and patterns need to be broken.

8. Time to rebuild my self from the after math of damages. Getting re-acquainted with my self as it does applies for my children from the injuries, tradegy. Our STBX are responible for the destruction/harm they have caused to us/children and will not take any responiblity for their mental health condition or themselves.

Unfortunately, we are entirely responible for the harm they have caused and must rebuild ourselves, help our kids in a balanced way.

9. Fairness/respect for someday future new partner in not bring in baggage from my past relationship. This process I belive applies to our children for their future stability/partners.

10. Who has the engery left over?

11. Since it the classic age timetable excuse of Mid life years for many of these men permitted and condoned to be bad. Lot's of people out there on prowl and loose who are doing similar irresponible dance like our STBX.

Who don't want to grow up and searching for another mommy/daddy to re play their scripts, dump their baggage on. <smiles, being a brat here.>

12. Once we get our work all done, decluttered and deweighted from our past an attachment. We too will have plenty of time/engery to be authentic, choose& play wiser. <smiles>

I have yet to see a forest that has gone up in flames and burnt down to the ashes. The very next day or in a few months resurge instantly produce a whole new forest. Takes time, right energy and right effort to create a new forest.

Not because the forest isn't worthy, undesirable, an unwanted intrusion in life,perhaps to some foolish untrained ingrate eye. Life is much bigger than a fool and wiser.

Re-growth is about creating a painfully and thoughtfully, a whole new landscape again of beauty, peace, grace tranquilty, goodness, awe, magnificence for others once again to enjoy.

Takes an eneroumous amount of energy expenditure and hard work. Why many lack the courage and fortitude to do the quality workmenship, perfer the easy way out to jump aboard on the ship of fools.

Having a big heart is so important as I believe it carries the seeds of good fruit to create/recreate the good in life and make it all the more enjoyable to leave a beautiful legacies for generations to come.

Sounds like we need to give ourselves a bit more credit for what we are doing right and a bit more compassion.

Let's face it, we too are permitted the very same options of loosing all our marbles, creating havoc, but as we know it wouldn't be to beneficial to ourselves, or our children.