<BR>My husband and I are working on the Love Busters Series. The difficulty we have encountered is both in filling out the Personal History Questioner and the Agreement to Overcome Love Busters. Actually our problem lies in signing the agreements since they contain a statement to the effect of "rewarding honesty" and "not punishing". <BR>My husband is of the opinion that this is impossible to do. I believe there must be a way to do this. <BR>Please explain how to overcome the opposite of "rewarding honesty" and "not punishing". It is difficult to imagine "rewarding and not punishing" someone for telling you they are having an affair, or had an abortion behind his back, or gambled some of the family money, etc. It is even difficult to imagine rewardingand not punishing any type of information that you may find very upsetting. Please try to give us an illustration. Thanks you<P><BR>------------------<BR>The Catalyst & The Helper<BR>First time Posting<p>[This message has been edited by The Catalyst & Helper 2 (edited April 23, 2001).]

Rewarding is "thank you for being so honest about this" or "I know it must have been hard to tell me, and I apreciate your honesty"<P>Not punishing is not calling names, responding with angry outbursts or judgements.<P>A honest but loving reply might be "thank you for being honest about this. I have to tell you, it really upsets me to hear this to know that you did XYZ...it makes me feel very angry and confused about why this happened. I'd like to talk some more about that (or, I need some time to think before we talk more, or whatever)."<P>Hope this helps a bit...<P>Kathi

We, too, struggle with what exactly does total honesty and openness look like? It's probably our biggest difficulty right now. One thing I have learned: rewarding honesty does not mean not being offended, shocked or hurt. It is more likely to mean being respectful in your response, then turning to God in prayer about how to answer your spouse. I certainly didn't expect to be "rewarded" when I confessed to my husband that I had been unfaithful. I did it because it was the right thing to do, no matter what the response was. It has hurt him to the core, shaken his whole view of life. It's horrible what my revelation has done to him. On the other hand, It woke him up to the mess our marriage was in and so on. We are changed for the better. I am so horrified seeing his pain that infidelity in an form, mental or physical is reprehensible to me. He has faced up to truths he previously denied. <BR>Regarding punishing honesty, for me that is when I am honest and Jerry pretends I said nothing and just changes the subject. I feel like a non-person, like he doesn't care at all about me. Or worse yet, when he twists it and uses it dishonestly later in order to hurt me. <BR>He struggles with being honest with me because he says that I don't respond well, i.e., I am hurt, and we have to stress out as we work through the pain. But what I try to get him to understand is that yes, the immediate reaction may be one of frustration, but in the long run, I trust him EVER so much more because he actually wanted to be honest! So, whether the "breaking news" is difficult or not, the overall affect is to draw us closer together. So far he doesn't believe me about this, but I hope he will eventually. <BR>He learned from his family that it is perfectly moral and ethical to be dishonest in certain situations. So it's difficult to unlearn this. I need to understand that and be patient with him.

Thanks for your honesty in sharing your struggle. We have seen first hand what infedility does to a marriage relationship. We have also been fortunate to witness the healing and reconciliation. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You msy want to check out the following web-site <A HREF="http://www.retrouvaille.org." TARGET=_blank>www.retrouvaille.org.</A> Thanks again.<BR>Catalyst