I need help.I am having trouble with my little boy he is 9 yrs old and having a very hard time at school behavior problems, not paying attention ect. He has been diagnosed for ADD and is on medicine. How do I know its not from the divorce or ADD related he talks a little about divorce but it is so hard especially when i am trying to reconcile and my H is having no parts of it. I am the WS and he is the BS so he is still hurting. He is in the military and has extended his tour for Korea for another year. Why? He says there is alot to do over there. Ok, Whatever, I would rather be close to my kids. He will only get to see them maybe 3 mths out of this year. How can I convince him this is not good for the kids they need to see there daddy more than that with or without us getting back together.He has only seen his 3yr old half of her life. ALso he wants them to go over to Korea for 2 mth and fly with an almost stranger his niece. I tell him my concerns and he says it is safe I am just not listening to him. How do I convince him this is not a good idea . He says he cant take leave to come over here cause he doesnt have enough . I even offered to go over wiht them and he laughed at that idea and said you got them by yourself its his turn. I am at a loss at what to do. Any suggestions?

You know how I feel.
Did you speak to a lawyer?
You can't force your H to do anything. If he hasn't seen your children for this long....what is he doing with his leave time anyway? Sounds fishy.
He is being selfish. He's not thinking of your kids best interests.

Aly

He saw them on xmas and used his leave time for that and now wants to see them for 2 mths this summer next time he comes home it will be for xmas then he will go back to korea and come home in May 2004. I think it has been so hard on these kids and I so want to work things out not only for there sake but ours too. It seems he is just running away from the problems and in the process is hurting the kids. he doesnt even realize it. He says they will be alright. How can a child be alright when they get one phone call a week and he didnt even call them on Easter? I dont know how to help my kids through this transition. I have to take a parenting class for divorcing parents and he gets out of it cause he is over there which i think is unfair.

I have called a lawyer and we talked on length about this she thinks it is stupid too. She told me to call a pediatrician and see what they say . I did and they say healthwise they should be ok and they have no travel advisorys out for Korea. But she also thought it would be a little much on a 3 yr old too.

I don't want to get on his bad side but he is not acting reasonable and thinking about them in his anger with me.

I think it would be a great trip for the 9 year old, but maybe not yet the time for the 3 year old.

I don't mean to offend you but what *I* got from your post is that you are using the visitation issues with your children to 'blackmail' your husband into coming home so that you can plead your case with him. I think you have ulterior motives-even though I know you are concerned about your kids, too.

If you want to save your marriage, I think you should co-operate with your husband as much as possible within reasonable safey precautions. And, while his niece may be a stranger to you, she is family to him AND your children.

And I disagree that his not wanting to come home is fishy...first off, as you said, he may not just leave when he chooses. Secondly, he is deeply hurt by your actions and you really should be careful not to push him away further by demanding that he give you the chance to reconcile. He is obviously still very hurt--he doesn't want to see you. I really wouldn't push it. Sometimes nothing but time helps.

And honestly, sometimes there is no chance for reconciliation. I don't mean you shouldn't try but you can't force it. I am so sorry for the hurt and confusion you are going thru. I know it's hard.

Just do the best you can...be reasonable about them visiting--they are his children, too. Work toward making a full, happy life for yourself and the kids and everything else will fall into place.

Good luck.

Be reasonable about HIM visiting them - but they do not need to be traveling to Korea at this time without YOU there. Your children are too young to be separated from you for this long.

Their father chose his separation - you don't have to treat them to the same kind of abandonment on your part.

They are too young for that kind of trip alone --- my vote is NO WAY.

Jan

I would just like to say to franklymydears that i am not trying to blackmail my husband in coming home. He does not have to see me at all if he doesnt want to. He doesn't even need to be in the same state just close enough that he can get his full visitation rights and more if he let me know ahead of time.I have tried to reconcile with him and he doesnt want to so i am just going to give him the divorce. We are not the issue anymore our children and there relationship with there daddy is.

I understand what you are saying about his niece too, yes, she is family but when a 3 yr old doesn't see her but once a year than she is like a stranger to her.

Also have you heard about the news in Korea lately? Its not exactly the safest place right now.

I am not trying to prevent them from seeing him. Its not like we are discussing another state this is another country! Whose to say he has ulterior motives and may fight for custody or not bring them back once he gets them?

I also have the fact that i am moving back to our hometown and moving in my own place and having to get our son enrolled in school and all that. I just think it would of been an easier transition if he would of got stationed somewhere close and we both could of sat down and discussed how things were going to be from now on.