A few months ago I felt that I had enough. My wife and I had not gotten along for a quite a few years. Intimacy was almost non-existent and we argued about most everything all the time. My anger at the arguments and over the situations was her reason to shut me out. I had been contemplating separation/divorce for a while and my mood was very solemn. She demanded I tell her why and I did. She has now entered counseling that she refused to go to before with me and has made a 180 deg. turn around. We have not agued in weeks, but I can't rekindle the spark.

In talking this over with my best friend a short time ago, I find that she is going through the same thing in her marriage and we are feeling a very strong connection. We had not discussed our marital issue before because that was a private matter. This has now caused us both a lot of concern and emotional distress. Based on our beliefs, divorce was not an option for us in the first place and now how do we explain the feelings we are having for each other. We both admitted that we have been attracted to each other for many years, but had never said anything because in would not have been proper.
She see's no future with her relationship and I have not been able to feel a connection to my wife in years.

I am not going to bash you but you are a WS. You need to END ALL CONTACT WITH THIS WOMAN IMMEDIATELY.

You also need to use our MB guidelines and principles.

We welcome you here but will not enable your possible affair.

And maybe you should go to GQ or to Plan A postings instead of immediately posting here on divorcing/divorced.

Having this OW, yes she's an OW, confirm the same feelings and attraction is already an EA. You both understand and have these feelings. But it is not based on anything but decetpion.

The chance of an EA has a very little success rate and divorce is horrifying...I should know. I am in one now.

The success of an affair surviving is less than 5%.

You're much better off learning our principles and using them WITH YOUR WIFE ONLY.

Your best friend is a female (who is not your wife) and you are discussing intimate details of your life with her?

How have you NOT had an affair before this?

We both admitted that we have been attracted to each other for many years, but had never said anything because in would not have been proper.
But it’s proper now to discuss your feelings for each other? You are still married to someone else.

<small>[ April 26, 2003, 11:56 AM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

I am VERY VERY curious to know: How long have you been married? How long have you had this female best friend? How has your wife felt about you having a female for a best friend? Has she ever expressed to you that she was not happy about that?

Here at MB, you will be told you need to end all contact with your "best friend", if your priority is your marriage and your wife.

Once you confess romantic feelings for this other person,you are in at least an "emotional affair" with them, if you haven't yet "fooled around" with your "best friend".

Have you told your wife that you've confessed such feelings for the "best friend"? I'm not suggesting you do, but some may.

Please answer my questions at the beginning of my post. I'm VERY eager to know the answers. (My H now has 2 females other than me for best friends.)

Jen

So after all this time... after all the wasted efforts on fighting... she's finally trying to turn things around on her part... and THIS is when you give up on her? You're a real piece.

You've waited this long, dump your "best friend"... remember how your wife used to be that? For the sake of your memories and both your and your wife's sanity... either reconcile or divorce. There is no middle ground. You have an opportunity to either be a man or be a pig and you've put yourself in an awkward position not to mention your "best friend".

I hope your best friend's husband beats the sh*t out of you if you don't do the right thing and leave it all alone. Tend to your family.

We're not too loving or supportive here when someone asks for understanding or support to divorce because THEY ARE HAVING AN AFFIAR.

Sorry but that is the way it is. And while remember 50% of the population is ok with living wild and free and abandoning marriages and vows and decency; there is always the rest of the 50% who believe as we do...including some judges in divorce courts.

It is sad and horrible divorce. Avoid it at all costs. And do watch for your friend's husband. and end all contact with her. Do you want your life really better? Remember that grass is always greener where it's being fertilized and that FERTILIZER AIN'T NOTHING BUT SH*T. Apply that to your EA and you will get your answer.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I must add a few to the above in which I do have to agree.

If there is such a strong attration then you must end the contact now (for now)..

You need to work on the you first figure out why there is no attraction for YOUR WIFE. <<<take notice the caps.

If your wife is going to counsling then you need to at least owe it to her to find out why this in not working and be honest to her and yourself.

You got married for a reason...

If you can not be honest to her or your self how are you going to be honest to anyone else..?

And yes you are having an emotional affair. Your thoughts are with OW and yes she is the other women. Meaning she is another women besides your wife who is taking up your emotional feelings and thoughts. For short she is on your mind and you think of her lots. When it should be yourself and your wife and your marriage.
Please do not make a mistake like most of us have done.. We find what we think is happiness in someone else to cover up our own mistakes and not willing to work on ourselves only to find out the grass isn't greener on the other side.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

If and when you and wife decide to make it or break it.
1. if you make it you need to be honest with your wife on your feelings.

2. if you break it then you still need to be honest about your feelings toward OW.

Break all ties with other women. Figure out what you and your wife need to do. There is no in between.

If you can not make it.
And after you work on the you, then you can see if the emotions are still there for the OW. If this OW cares for you then she will understand.
After time if she is still there and has emotions for you fine so be it.
Chances are there will not for either of you.

You can only change yourself not others... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Your actions today may hunt you later. Please be careful and wise in your decision...

I wish you luck..

Sorry that it has taken me a few days to respond here, but I did not check this site during the weekend.
Wow, I never expected the slamming I'm getting here. Maybe there has been an emotional relationship, but that's the extent of it. I never tried nor had she to affect each other&#8217;s marriages. I have a number of female friends, but have not ever had a physical relationship with any of them and still do not.

I guess I'm naive in that I do not look at friendships as affairs. My wife and I have some major issue to resolve IF they can be resolved and none of them have anything to do with my friendships with others. My wife has changed like this in the past then revered back with a vengeance to the ways that have caused problems. We are both attending counseling together, but she has joined in only after I said I was thinking about a separation. She couldn't find the time before this. My feelings were my problem and I needed to fix them per her.

Here are answers to some questions that were asked:
I am VERY VERY curious to know: How long have you been married? I've been married 26 years and we dated 4 years before that.
How long have you had this female best friend? I have known my friend for over 8 years.
How has your wife felt about you having a female for a best friend? She has teased me about her, but our families see each other socially (events and gatherings) we have just been friends.
Has she ever expressed to you that she was not happy about that? Not really. She was curious why we were and certain function together, but some were work related and her husband and I have many common friends and we attend the same social activities. She is with him and my wife was with me.

Sorry to upset so many with my original question, but this Emotional Affair as you have labeled it has not been considered one by either of us until now.

Excuse this additional post, but the more I read the above posts from others the more angry I'm getting. You all are pointing fingers at me as if I have violated some cardinal rule.

I did not express to my wife I wanted a separation because of the OW as you refer to. She (OW)didn't even know what I was doing. Frankly I hesitated to say anything to her at all because of her religious views and upbringing against such things. I told her a week later. I AM trying to work on my marriage, and not basing success/failure on a new relationship.

My wife has advised me she has had similar relationships with other men, but I trust her as she trusted me that these were not physical just FRIENDSHIPS.

I wish the same violence on those that have noted such on me. By the way, get a life, you have made over 800+ posts here. Stop trying to project your situations, mistakes or relationships on others.

This will be my last post on this site as this is not a forum that will provide constructive help. If I want to be berated, I'll talk to my wife.

Have a great life everyone I know I will!

<small>[ April 28, 2003, 03:21 PM: Message edited by: hotrod ]</small>

Hotrod, I know where your at, you want that spark back, and its just not there, i guess everyone doesnt need that, but I do also. What I can say is be very sure OUT is what you really want, new and exciting wears off quick, and reality sets in hard,you could be setting your self up for a REBOUNDER, and they dont always last. I met my second wife very soon after leaving a bad marriage, and I "overlooked" lots of stuff because we hit it off well, 10 years later i'm thinking I did the REBOUND thing. It could be very wise to cool it with her untill you see if your first marriage is going to improve. Best of luck, its never easy, Hold on tight, your going to get NAILED on this one.....the MB crew is tough!!!!

Hotrod,
You asked our opionion and we gave it to you....
I did not bash you in anyway. I merely gave you suggestions. I do believe you need to reread my post to yourself... I would appreciate if you did.
If you do not post here again.. I wish you luck...

Oh am I the one who bashed you? Not so. But I am the one you referred to "get a life" and the "800 posts".

If you wish violence on anyone then that is awful. I was a victim of domestic violence and find your remarks made to me very unfounded and I was not the one who responded to you in any extreme negative way.

If you want to talk to others who may help you with your approach, leave divorce and go to plan a and b and general questions. Most of us here are in middle of divorces. We wanted to save our families. But affiars rip them apart.

And as for the getting a life part? Lemmee tell you something brother. I have posted here when I had nobody to turn to in a strange city. They helped me and I did not start off on divorce. I was hoping to save my family. I try to support others here who are having a difficult time due to divorce brought on usually by adultery.

Get a life you ask me? Well as soon as I sign the papers I will do so. Not everyone is a loser with strong family values...Am very attractive, well educated and prez of my state medical society ok? Be careful when you slam someone you don't know because initial appearances may very well be deceiving...

And please do not wish violence on anyone. It has taken me over a year to deal constructively with my situation as my lying cheating husband abused me when his anger was misdirected by his entanglement with another woman. And trust me, when this is over, he will kick himself. I know it and so does everyone else. But scars take time to heal.

Oh, incidentally those involved in emotional affairs or physical affairs usually do get mad or perceive that everyone is out to villify them because of their affair and they defend it at any cost and usually spin it around to make it look better than it really is. This "person who needs to get a life" also has a minor in psyche ok?

The last thing I need is for some guy who doesn't know me to say that he wished violence on me and for me to get a life.

How bout this one? Get your life back. I've got mine and it's going to be just fine.

geez, i guess i missed the PIGPILE. . . .

although i would have said all that everyone else said, I decided that i would not be the lead PIGPILER. . . .

I hope he did get the right message. . . which we all agree upon. . .

wiftty