I am recently separated after 14 years of marriage but I want to try to fix my marriage. I knew we had a communication problem. I tried for years everything I could to get her to talk. I asked her every time she was upset, what can I do to make you feel better? You are my and our girls are my life. I will do whatever I can to make you happy. I bought cruises and surprised her with them. I am a hopeless romantic and would bring home flowers and cards. Not when I was in trouble for staying out with my friends too late either, I would bring them home for the simple reason that I wanted her to know I care. After years of trying and very little intimacy if any (We are talking once every 3 months)I would not get up if I fell asleep on the couch. I would allow my friends that get off at 11:00pm come over and we would stay over till 2 or 3 am or once they got off I would go over to play video games at their house. (Yes a 37 year old VP that loves to still play video games.) I never cheated or forgot my family responsibilities, I thought if she had to big of a problem she would tell me. Famous last words! She did alright in the form of I want a divorce. I thought she was cheating so I started recording the house phone. I will be honest I would have not left if she had an affair but I needed to know if she was having a relationship to know if there was any hope. The things I heard her say about me were not true or they were said in a context that made me out to be a deadbeat dad still living at home. I moved out 3 months after she said she wanted a divorce. I know she was talking to her boss while I was out of town and after the kids were asleep but they only talked. (I know this for a fact) I also know she has made me out to be so bad of a person her family will not respect her if she tries to mend the marriage.
I finally got her to tell me what the issues really were and they were big. She thought I slept with one of my friends (female). She also thought because of spam email from dating services that I had met women off the internet. I went a took a polygraph test a week later. (2 days ago) I had the results sent to her and my attorney. I did not want the email results; I knew the results before I took the test. The examiner was an off duty detective that is close to retirement and he asked me a few questions about my life after the test. Well in his results to my wife he said "Mrs. Wag have you tried everything you can? In my 20 years on the force and the 5 years in the metro domestic violence task force I have seen many people give up without fully thinking things through. Most people throw in the towel as soon as divorce is mentioned but your husband still only thinks about you and your daughters. You have a good man here and all I am saying is be sure about what you want your decisions will affect you and your daughters for life." Then he gave the results of the test. I was not lying I have never cheated. We spoke today about the results and she was upset for the opinion being given. I had never seen it so I asked her to forward it to me. Before she did I said he must have said something good about me for you to say "he was paid for getting the results not his opinion." My only question that caused a major fight, if you thought I was cheating and now you know I was not why are you still so closed off to me? She said that thinking I had cheated opened her eyes up to me and that she still wants a divorce and she does not want to work on it. I have been trying to get her to go to the therapist with me and the girls to learn to communicate. Our daughters are only 3 and 6 and we have to communicate with joint 50% custody for the rest of our daughter’s life. We have to learn to make decisions together. She says that is my manipulation to make her try. She will not put this off another month. Well when do I stop trying?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
I am touched by your troubles.
The only thing I can say is you can not force her to stay with you. Forcing her will only drive her further. You can remind her that you care and love her and your daughters..
Right now work on yourself. It sounds like you have issues that you are not happy with within yourself... Make a better you and see what happens.

Think about this one.. ((((only a suggestion))))
Have the two of you grown apart?
Do you have good communication?
Do you fear of being alone or truly need and want her?
Does she meet your emotional needs?
Do you meet her emotional needs?
These are just a few questions some people don't take time to look at.

Trust sounds like an issue here.
If she is adement about the divorce, it looks like you might have to let go. Sometimes you have to let go, and it hurts. But see needs to see for herself.
In the mean time you need to work on you and be there for your daughters.
I wish you luck. I hope you find comfort too..

My thoughts are with you.

Thank you for your input. I have realized that by me trying to get her to talk it is forcing her more away. She said to me before I left home she knew she did not try and she was not meeting my needs. Even though it is a slow process I am starting to come to terms with the divorce. The one question that you asked that is bothering me the most is Am I afraid to be alone? I have thought about that issue way before you asked. And what I have came up with is my wife was my best friend. I could tell her anything and she could tell me anything. We have lost that in the past few years with the schedules and children. That is what I am afraid of losing the most. I do love her with all I am. Meeting people is easy for me I am a people person and can talk to anyone. I have been in sales for years. But talking to someone and considering them a friend that you will give your heart too are 2 different things.

I wanted us to learn to communicate in a healthy way and see what happened. It could have only helped us in dealing with the girls. My 6 year old is blaming herself and her sister and had never been in trouble 1 day at school until 1 month ago (same time as the seperation). Now she lives in trouble at school. I tell her everyday I love her and it is not her fault, but I went ahead and set an appointment with a councilor. My wife came back with "the only reason you set the appointment was a way for you to get me to try. Every child gets in trouble and blames themself for their parents divorce, we both did." My point exactly.

Wag,
The only thing I can say as far as the children go is to just keep telling them you love them. I know my son was 2 when his dad and I seperated. Even at 2 he knew something wasn't right.
I take notice that sometime's when he comes back from his dad's and he goes to school the same day he is like a little wild boy. (that is not my child) I would say....
But I remind him that he is at mom's and it is mom's rules now not dad's. He is almost 6 now and is doing much better. He tells people that mommy and daddy arent together becuase they used to fight all the time. Yes he is right he knew that. If he would see me cry even now he ask me if daddy was yelling it at me. I always tell him no now becuase I do not want him to dislike his dad.

Counsling is good if you feel she is really feeling the impact of the seperation. Just tell her she can call you whenever she needs to and you are always there with her in her heart. It seem to help with my son.

As far as you. I hope that one day you can look at her as a friend. That is always good. Just remember to work on the you before you work on the us or the her..... It is hard to understand but you will see....

Wish you luck and happiness,
Life is what you make of it.