Hi, I am new to this forum. I am looking for a little support and advise. I have been happily married for five years and my husband is a good man, all things considered. Except that he does not handle stress well at all. He copes by losing his cool and shouting at me. Up until now I have coped with this. I am very patient and gentle in my approach to most problems. I have fallen into the role of soothing him everytime he looses his temper. Only there have been more than several times that he has called me names and shouted down the phone at me, sounding like a lunatic. I have tried everything to get him to control his temper. It has gotten so that I am losing respect for him. Not only that, but I ask myself if he freaks over small things, what will happen if we are tested by something major, i.e. an illness or job loss?
The last time he lost his temper he called me a "stupid b" and now I just cannot let it go. He seems to cross the line a little more each time... how do I get him to realize that you cannot take those words back?

Tootsie, I was that same way with my W for most of our marriage. Now we're close to D. I'm sure your H is probably just like I was. Pig headed and stubborn. I wouldn't listem to my W when she told me I needed anger management or something. I ended up not needing it though. Once she left me the first time things became much more clear for me. I then realized all the really bad things I would say to her. I realized how they must have made her feel.. What I wouldn't do to be able to get kicked in the head years ago. I am now a pretty calm cool guy. I still get pretty wound up sometimes but I have learned to deal with it much better and less verbal towards others that it doesn't even pertain to. I wish I had some direct advice to get your H to listen and get help but honestly it made me less open to the idea when my W brought it up. You just have to think of a way to get it through his (Probably as thick as mine) skull..

I wish I had some advice for you too. My STBXW has the same problem as your husband, although I think hers is more severe. You can't fix him or make him change, he has to want to, and even then it is VERY hard. I tried everything with my wife to get her to get help, her parents (who support everything she does to the MAX, "enablers") even tried to convince her, her IC, our MC, her friends. Nothing made any difference. I couldn't take anymore and I finally told her, the abuse is over. You stop it immediately and completetely or I stop it by divorcing. The divorce is in progress.

I hate to sound hopeless, but it really is up to him. I think the most effective strategy is probably "shock and awe" (hate that phrase). He needs consequences for his actions and they should be serious and immediate. Something to shock him into wanting to change.

And be careful. Verbal abuse isn't that far from physical.

<small>[ April 29, 2003, 07:53 AM: Message edited by: theuglytruth ]</small>

Do I wish I had had the insight that is in your posting!

I decided that he was right, that I was the one who needed to change. That wasn't until after he pushed on my forehead so hard that, 5 1/2 years later, I still have a noticeable lump. I backed off and asked for nothing -- he was off playing volleyball and golf, we went a year without a shower, a year without a bathtub, I totally disconnected without realizing it. I had no love or care for him, and then he starts telling me that this good friend from work had passion for him but nothing happened.... And I got upset and threatened to call her and he broke my arm. And I blamed myself UNTIL he brought up going to a party where she would be, I decided he was planning to rebuild that friendship, I called the woman's husband, and guess what? An affair uncovered.

So what did I do last night when he said, "How can you be so dense?" What did I do when he said the f word? I continued in the conversation. I need to learn that ALL I can do is remove myself when he is abusive.

He's going to anger management weekly, by the way, but he still blames me for his abuse. That's where the real change comes -- when you realize that you are 100% responsible for your actions.

Guess what? I am 100% responsible for putting up with abuse.

broken -

I'm sorry about your situation. Yours sounds worse than mine. The only physical stuff I had was a few hard slaps in the face and a couple punches. That's bad enough, but a broken arm!
Plus, you have kids involved.

Are you in individual counseling? I would strongly recommend it. An abusive situation can be very depressing and seem totally hopeless. Anti-depressants help too. They can help you to get unstuck.

Your husband's anger management doesn't seem to be working too well. That's not unusual. Is he there by order of the court? If so, he most likely is just putting the time in, with no motivation.

Don't be too hard on yourself for tolerating the abuse. Its an easy trap to fall into, especially when you have kids. After all, you once loved this man and he loved you. The first step is learning to love yourself and realize that you don't deserve this and DON'T need to put up with it. I am fortunate in that I don't have the kids and have some options financially. But on the other hand, I don't have anywhere I can go immediately or quickly to remove myself from the environment (other than a hotel.)

I recommend "Why is Always About You?", a book on narcissistic personality disorder. Many if not mose abusers have NPD. This book really helps one to realize that the abuse is really all about the abuser, you just happen to be the object of it, not the cause.

Secrecy is the best friend of the abuser. Embarrassment on the part of the victim gives them protection. Don't be afraid to seek out support of family and friends. You didn't do this, he did. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Physical abuse is NOTHING compared with emotional abuse, at least to me. I am in IC, but I caution that the harm done to the person's soul is much greater when it is emotional rather than physical. Most people don't understand this unless they've experienced both. No one should put up with being sworn at or called a b....

No one, but no one, would have guessed this of my H. People tell me all the time that he is the nicest guy, and that is the main reason why I was so attracted to him...

First, get to counseling, together and individually. Chances are he won't go, and he's probably projecting his anger onto you.

I highly suggest the book, The verbally abusive relationship, by Patricia Evans. It explains verbal and emotional abuse, but most importantly for you, gives you ways to counter the abuse.
Have you ever said "stop it"? I never did. The book helps deal with the diffferent types of abuse.

And as another poster mentioned, you can change how you deal with him and your attitude.
Good Luck.

Thanks for all the input. I'm not sure what I am going to do yet, I am still gathering advise.I know that it is up to my husband to change, but I need to be prepared that he never will and ask myself is it worth living with someone who cannot control their temper tantrums.
We are all responsible for the way we conduct ourselves and that applies to our reactions to stress. Managing to control our actions and tempers is what, in my opinion, makes us a civilized race. Also, I think it is very important in marriage not to start crossing that line of respect... even with words, never mind physical abuse. (That should NEVER be tolerated).
Everytime one crosses the line, it makes it easier the next time and the time after that...
It isn't easy but marriage should never be taken lightly.

broken -

not to be possimistic, but the percentage of abusers who ever completely stop in very low, in the single digits, according to my IC.

And you're right the emotional abuse is much harder to recover from. And the outlook for your husband stopping that is even lower.

I suffered some pretty severe emotional abouse from my wife who is trained in psychology so she knows just how to twist the knife for maximum damage. It got so bad, my life was nearly ended with an overdose of alcohol and Tylenol PM. Please don't let it get to that point. You do have options and you deserve to be treated with respect.

Tootsie31,
You are so right that no-one deserves verbal or physical abuse. I am sad to report to you that I used to be verbally abusive to my wife and kids, too. I used to think it was part of being the macho in-control authoritarian father and husband that every man was supposed to be. I was SO wrong! I have come a long way in this area and my wife says I am doing much better. What made me change? Unfortunately, her EA did. I woke up one morning to hear her on the phone with her OM describing me as an [censored] to him. Sure, my verbal abuse did not justify her affair but it did give me a much needed wake-up call on how I was treating her. I wasn't meeting her emotional needs and was treating her like she didn't matter instead of the valuable treasure she really is, while her OM-fantasy man whom she never met in person complimented her and built her up, etc. Don't get me wrong. I do not advocate you have an affair by any means. In fact, that would make things worse. However, your H may be taking you for granted and he needs to know you have self-respect enough not to put up with it anymore. In my case, I had not always been verbally abusive, but I made the mistake of taking the stresses of work, including the possibility of being layed off, home with me and I vented on my family, and after doing it for a month it got easier to do it for a year, then 2 years, and then it becomes a way of life if it is not checked. I now make sure to leave the stresses of my work outside my home or work it off playing sports or in the yard, but mostly in prayer. Only you know whether your husband can change or not, but he may need you to firmly relay to him how his abuse makes you feel - you may even want to use picture analogies like "You make me feel like a worthless old shoe that you can throw around when you're mad..." If your husband reacts badly to calling him on his abusive behavior, you may need to consider other alternatives like moving out, a womens' shelter, or even calling the police if necessary. Just my opinion... I wish you the best...

<small>[ April 30, 2003, 08:25 AM: Message edited by: pressing_on ]</small>