I have been married 21 years and have been very unhappy for the last 8. My H has alcohol abuseproblem as well as verbally abusing me and even a few episodes of physical abuse and hasn't held a steady job in 8 years. I stuck it out due to lack of money and having fairly young kids. I feel like I deserve a medal for pulling the family through as far as I have.

My friends and brother and sister all agree with me that it's time to move on. I am in a financial way to be able to and the kids are 21 and 14. My H does not want a divorce and is hourly guilting me into staying. The worst part of this scenario is that when I told my parents I would be divorcing and would not accept blame for this not working out, that my H had too many issues for me to deal with and there was nothing I could do any longer. (we tried counselling, Marriage encounter, many books read, Al-anon).

My parents quickly laid all the blame on me because I married the man and said I knew what he was when I married him. I didn't. I knew he did not have alot of money and money was not his most important need. I did not see what I knew to be any sign of alcoholism. I was 18 when I met him so maybe there were signs but I just did not recognize them.

What was the point of my parents saying this mess is my fault for marrying him in the first place, especially 21 years later?? I know my mother is angry for my kids having to go through all this and I feel bad they had to. I tried all I could to make things right for all of us to my detriment for years.

My mother is from the school of "put up and shut up" She never said a word to my father when he was mean or hit us or berated her. To her that's what a good wife did. As long as the kids didn't see a fight thnigs are great. I tried the doormat role for years and things got worse. When I started speaking up things became worse still. Nothing I did helped the situation.

I suffered great mental and physical anguish and I am sure the kids did as well. I did the best I could as well as I could. Why then would my mother need to blame this whole mess on me? She knew of my H's behaviors and still sees this as my fault for marrying him. I honestly did not see this coming. She knows the kind of hurt and pressure I've been under with no offer of consolation or help. Why now would anyone see the need to knock me when I'm down?

Should I shut my parents out of my life? I am leaving my H because of abuse. Why then should I accept this sort of abuse from my parents. They have not called me for months another way they show their displeasure with my actions. When I went over to tell them I'm okay, have a handle on things and not to worry WHAMMO.
This hurts way worse than the awful things my H has said to me? Any thoughts or suggestions?

Hi Willow40! First, I am sorry for what you've had to endure - no wife should have to suffer thru BS like that. He promised to LOVE and CHERISH you -- not beat on you or scream at you. Where is the love? He certainly is NOT showing it.
Your parents need to BUTT OUT - advice like theirs is plain WRONG! Just because your Mom believes it's OK to be a martyr is NO reason for you to be!
Have you checked out counseling and/or shelters for abused/battered women? Some church counseling to help you get thru this? Friends who may be able to put you up for a little while?
May the Lord help you through this painful and difficult time.
Harold

Thanks Thenotebookdude,
I am checking out counselling, any other thoughts or insight anyone??

Yes, our parents are of the "Martyr" generation.
I've found that when we need their support the most, it is our families who can't help as we would like. In many cases, we have not told them the depth of our problems (to protect them and ourselves) and they cannot understand the extent of the problems.

Get your support elsewhere, from friends, counselors, support groups etc.
Do not fret about those who cannot support you, but consider yourself blessed by those who can.
Also, please continue to get your children help from ACOA because living in that household will affect their life and their decisions to come. I know!