I have been living with my spouse for 7 years and we have a six year old son together. No, we are not married. In the last 2-3 years I have been very unhappy. He has not met my emotional needs for a very long time. As my son turned 7 mths old, I started school. By the time he was a year old, I was working, going to school, taking care of my family (household, bills, etc.) and taking care of my daughter from a previous marriage who was 6 at the time. He was very understanding and helpful in the beginning. I decided to go back to school after my son turned 3. I spent nearly two years in a private college getting my associates degree and working at the college as well, taking care of my children, taking care of household, laundry, yard work, bills, and everything and anything in between that required "our" attention. You could say that he wasn't really there for me at all during those two years. I argued excessively, complained, cried, tried silent treatment, and even tried talking in a reasonable manner to explain to this man how much I needed him. All he could ever tell me was that I was "selfish" and wanted to control him. He is 36 yrs old and I am 31. I have went through the stage of depression so many times with this man and cried so many times to try to make him understand that I need him emotionally, at least where I could cry on his shoulder, if nothing else. He just wouldn't listen at all and continued the same routine. He was even getting to the point where he had come home at 2-4 a.m. (not regularly, but that's not the point). I have threatened to leave so many times in the last two years if he didn't change. No results, no changes. I even left with the children and went away for a few days without even telling him, but I did call when I reached my destination 8 hours away from home. I thought that would really open his eyes. That was almost two years ago. I told him in January that I wasn't in love with him anymore and nothing mattered anymore because I was through with trying. At this point, I didn't care anymore if it worked out and had stayed because I couldn't afford to leave financially. I still cared for him, but was not in love with him anymore. He promised he would change. The very next week, he comes home late on a Friday night because he was out drinking with coworkers which had been a regular habit most of the time that we have been together. He paid me no attention whatsoever. I was feeling so lonely. Please understand that I am a very moral person and do not believe in having affairs and I wasn't looking for someone to turn to, but I found myself getting involved with another man. I fell very much in love with him and have been in love with him for the last five months. We were working together and both of us were laid off from work at different times. He lived a little too far for me to continue to see him. I had decided that I was going to leave my spouse because I was so very unhappy and I felt that I had tried enough and tried everything I could possibly do to make him understand how I needed him. Well, I couldn't deal with living lies, so I told my spouse about this other person. He was ready to change suddenly. We both became unemployed - myself for 4wks, him for 6 wks. We both have new jobs now and he is there every minute, every second. If I go to visit my sister who lives only a few blocks away, he is calling and not mentioning anything about it when I return. I can't breathe and being depressed and confused all at the same time just isn't helping the situation. He won't leave my side for nothing in this world. It's so sad, but I can't seem to deal with it. I feel like I need some space for a while and have even talked about moving out for a few weeks, but he is not giving me much space at all. I did not have sex with this other man because we both felt that it was not the right thing to do at the time. I am very proud of myself that I was strong enough to remember my morals and I am trying to stand by those morals now by staying with my spouse and working it out because of the children, but I am so unhappy right now because I am so in love with this other man and I am not in love with my spouse anymore like I used to be. But at the same time, I can't seem to let go of either man right now. Like the other member said, she sounded like she wanted her cake and eat it too, but that is not my thoughts intentionally. I am in so much pain over this because I love this other man so very much. I don't know what else to do. Will my spouse really change? Sometimes, I feel like he's changing now because of the situation but it will fade as soon as he thinks everything is okay. I have worked so hard to try to have more in life for my family such as buying a home and moving out of this neighborhood we live in which is the same one that he grew up in and all the old friends and neighbors are still there and their motto in life seems to be "work a little, drink a little". I have tried to save my tax return for 4 years now to get a home for our children and he just doesn't seem to have any dreams or goals. He has 3 children-ages 12, 15, and 17-from a previous relationship (high school sweetheart). It was about the same then. I just don't see this man ever changing for the better or at least to fit my needs and I realize that I have to understand his needs too, but he seems to be in a comfort zone--work, drink, come home, do it all again the next day. He hasn't parented his children like a father should since I have known him. He doesn't have a problem disciplining my daughter, but he lets his do whatever they choose as if he doesn't really care anyway. One fine example of not being there for this family--my son had to have his tonsils and adenoids removed on December 29, 2000 (after I had already been arguing with him about not being there for us and wanting to leave. I had to have my son at the hospital at 5:00 a.m. He said that he couldn't take off of work to go, but would try to leave work early. Well, first of all, he had a "working under the table job with a buddy who wouldn't fire him if he hadn't shown up for a whole week". We didn't leave the hospital until 9:00 p.m. that night. He didn't call or come up, but I have to say that I had called him several times throughout the day just to see what his intentions were. I told him a few times that he didn't have to come up because we may be released same day instead of overnight. Well, he comes home that evening about 9:30 p.m. He goes over to the neighbors later on and doesn't come home until 2:00 a.m. after getting drunk with the neighbors. But it just so happens that the very next week, he gets a call from one of his lifelong buddies that he's in jail and needs him to come and get him, so he misses all day of work. The children and I are always last, no matter what. I just don't know if I can or if I want to work it out anymore. I tell him how I feel right now, but he acts like everything is fine. What to do? Please advise!!! I am so depressed right now about this whole situation and I feel like if he had listened to me in the first place, this family wouldn't be going through this at all. Please help me. I apologize for writing such a long message, but I really need someone to talk to and I cannot afford counseling and I keep telling him that I think that we need to go to counseling, especially myself, and he just looks at me with that "it's okay" look. I don't know which way to go anymore. Thank you so much! <P>Donna

Donna--<P>I'm so glad you wrote! You're obviously in a lot of pain, and given your situation, it's understandable that you're confused. <P>I'm not the foremost expert on Marriage Builders, so I'm hoping someone who's more of an authority also responds. I strongly recommend, though, that you read the Concepts page of this website carefully and also read some (or better yet, all) of the letters in the "Q&A' section. You might also check to see if your public library or your community college library has Dr. Harley's books. <P>Just reading the Concepts section will be a huge help for you. A lot of couples have been where you and your partner have been. When you read the Concepts and Q&A sections, you'll understand why you feel as you do about the other man in your life and how to get your primary relationship (with the father of your 7 year old) onto better footing. <P>It sounds to me like your significant other truly loves you and doesn't want to lose you, but maybe isn't the high energy type. You sound like you need him to be more goal-oriented as well as more supportive. <P>I imagine he was really knocked for a loop when you told him about the other man. He's facing one of the most painful discoveries a person can make, and his clingy behavior shows how frightened he is about the possibility of losing you. What Dr. Harley calls the "Giver" has been at your forefront, while your significant other has been operating in the "Taker" mode. He might not have taken your threats to leave and your brief separation seriously because he was so sure you'd be back, but an emotional affair is a different story: that tells him that he truly hasn't been filling your needs, and that you're capable of getting your emotional needs filled elsewhere.<P>Enough said, for now. Please read Concepts and Q&A's--and please let us know how you're doing. There are lots of people who post here who can help you much better than I can.<P>You'll be in my prayers.

Thank you so much. The reading really does help some. I have been on the internet at this site all day today and it has helped me to have a better spirit, at least for now. Thanks! It's great to know there really is other people at there that do understand.<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by belle:<BR><B>Donna--<P>I'm so glad you wrote! You're obviously in a lot of pain, and given your situation, it's understandable that you're confused. <P>I'm not the foremost expert on Marriage Builders, so I'm hoping someone who's more of an authority also responds. I strongly recommend, though, that you read the Concepts page of this website carefully and also read some (or better yet, all) of the letters in the "Q&A' section. You might also check to see if your public library or your community college library has Dr. Harley's books. <P>Just reading the Concepts section will be a huge help for you. A lot of couples have been where you and your partner have been. When you read the Concepts and Q&A sections, you'll understand why you feel as you do about the other man in your life and how to get your primary relationship (with the father of your 7 year old) onto better footing. <P>It sounds to me like your significant other truly loves you and doesn't want to lose you, but maybe isn't the high energy type. You sound like you need him to be more goal-oriented as well as more supportive. <P>I imagine he was really knocked for a loop when you told him about the other man. He's facing one of the most painful discoveries a person can make, and his clingy behavior shows how frightened he is about the possibility of losing you. What Dr. Harley calls the "Giver" has been at your forefront, while your significant other has been operating in the "Taker" mode. He might not have taken your threats to leave and your brief separation seriously because he was so sure you'd be back, but an emotional affair is a different story: that tells him that he truly hasn't been filling your needs, and that you're capable of getting your emotional needs filled elsewhere.<P>Enough said, for now. Please read Concepts and Q&A's--and please let us know how you're doing. There are lots of people who post here who can help you much better than I can.<P>You'll be in my prayers. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

hadl1970,<P>I don't have much time right now. But please do read about withdrawal and how it affects you. You are very normal case with regards to your affair and how you feel. I set and read you post and felt you have made more than a few mistakes in your marriage. One, very important one was that you put just about everything else before your marriage and your H. So he bailed. <P>I realize that you were bettering yourself, but going to school, working full time, raising children, doesn't leave much time for loving an H does it? I know I know, you have lots of reasons, but no matter the reasons you are where are because the marriage deteriorated. THis is your fault as well as your H's.<P>Do keep reading here, and ask lots of questions. This can be worked out and your marriage rebuilt. Your H loves you, that much is clear.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I realize what you are saying and I certainly agree somewhat. But so many times I tried to explain to him that if he would help me and try to meet me half way since he wasn't the only person working that it would help alot by giving us a little time together. So many times I have pointed out that if he would take turns once in a while and put the kids to bed at a decent hour or help me with the chores a little, then I might not be so tired and run down all of the time from all of the every day stress. For example, I can be standing at the kitchen sink trying to wash dishes at 10 o'clock at night after working all day and making dinner after getting home, and my son could be crying for some reason or fussing back at me about something, and his father would just continue to watch t.v. and if I say "deal with him, please!" He just says something like, "why can't you?" or "he wants you" or some poor excuse. He doesn't even teach the children discipline or anything. He is not a good role model, I don't think, and neither is his children who are much older. They are all the same.<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Just Learning:<BR><B>hadl1970,<P>I don't have much time right now. But please do read about withdrawal and how it affects you. You are very normal case with regards to your affair and how you feel. I set and read you post and felt you have made more than a few mistakes in your marriage. One, very important one was that you put just about everything else before your marriage and your H. So he bailed. <P>I realize that you were bettering yourself, but going to school, working full time, raising children, doesn't leave much time for loving an H does it? I know I know, you have lots of reasons, but no matter the reasons you are where are because the marriage deteriorated. THis is your fault as well as your H's.<P>Do keep reading here, and ask lots of questions. This can be worked out and your marriage rebuilt. Your H loves you, that much is clear.<P>God Bless,<P>JL</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I'm glad you have learned so much at the MB website, Donna. Rebuilding your marriage will be tough, but it can be done.<P>It's true that you need to take responsibility for your actions. I see that you were trying to analyze why the affait happened. It happened because you decided to let it happen, and the cost to your husband and yourself has been high. It seems clear, though that your husband has not been meeting your emotional needs, which made you vulnerable to an affair.<P>Here are my questions: How much does your husband want the marriage to work out? Would he consent to fillilng out the Emotional Needs Questionaire? What about him led you to fall for him in the first place? Are those qualities still around? What keeps him in the marriage?<P>I hope things work out for you. Please keep posting.