I am in my first day of Plan B and I am just feeling like the day he walked out the door, my heart is so heavy. I sent him a ledger today for the bills as I told him would be coming, I emailed it and kept it strictly business. Of course he did not reply, but I would be lieing if I told you that I am glad because it is killing me knowing that I am right about him. I want to go back to fantasy land, because that don't hurt, I can pretend he loves me as I love him, I can pretend that we can play house again, I can pretend that we will be together again. But, in reality it just isn't..... I am hurting very badly right now, I am getting ready to pick up my 13 yr old and we are going to get her registered for high school, i am excited and saddened her dad isn't here for her too.

Please pray for me to keep the strength to not email, call, write or anything. I appreciate all your support on this forum I don't know what I would have done the past 2 months. I know I can do this I have to. Oh Lord please give me strength do to what I know is right.

I'll have to go back and check your threads. But are you still hoping for a recovery?

For me Plan B's been hard, but I don't miss him a bit. It's been a limited Plan B. Until now. Now, I'm going full tilt. I may even block his calls.

Man, I hate him today.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck and bless you.

Mommax8,

As you know, your story and my story are very similar. I felt exactly like you do now--I MOURNED and ACHED for losing my illusion. After he walked out and didn't care, I realized all it was was an illusion, but at least I felt valuable and loved...even if it WAS fake! Without the illusion, I felt like my skin had been ripped off. To be honest with you, there are days when I STILL miss the illusion...I wanted so badly to be a married woman with a husband who loved her and thought she was special and a father who put his children as top priority. Unfortunately, it really was a dream and not real at all.

On days like this, when you are just first initiating Plan B, the urge to call or contact him is going to be just like an addict craving their addiction. I swear to you, I'm not exaggerating, there were times when I went 15 minutes at a time not calling him (I'll can make it 15 minutes, and then I'll see how I feel)...I was living 15 minutes at a time for days. But I wrote on my mirrors in the bathroom "I am in recovery" and I knew that I had to get through the pain of this withdrawal just as surely as an addict has to go through their withdrawal pains. I HAD to live through it.

Sure enough, I did. Now I make mistakes and all, but I kind of feel like "Why didn't I see that this was fake?" It feels more fake now. I don't quite miss it and ache for it like I used to. I look back on it now and feel sad that I never stood up for myself and what was good for me. You'll get there one day too.

For tonight, you only have ONE assignment. Get through this night, however you can, without calling or contacting him. Do not phone, email, IM or anything else. If you can, distract your mind with something you enjoy (cooking, reading, writing--something!), and if you can not, the muddle through it 15 minutes at a time like I did. Cry. Swear. Scream. Whatever you need to do, do it--just don't call. Okay?? Let me know in the morning how you got through the night.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers all night long--literally.

CJ

Well I made it through the night except he calls me to go over financial statement I sent him because he owes me bills that I have to pay, he then changes the conversation to us, I promptly said no I just need to know if you are going to send me the money you owe me, he said he didn't have it. I said well I guess getting a job may correct that........mute point.........I then said goodbye and that was it. He said he called because he had to hear my voice and he couldn't stand it....I say "Welcome to the land of the too damn bad" I deserve a life.........

I am proud of myself today, I probably should not even took his call but I did need to know if he was going to send me any money......

GOOD GIRL!!!

I am so proud of you!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Mommax8, never, ever, EVER forget--no matter how much he blames you and throws cr*p your way--that any time he wants to, he can choose to turn his life around. Any time. If he is choosing NOT to turn his life around, it is not your fault or responsibility.

Any time he wanted to, he could make the effort to get a job...he could support his children (or at least be willing to do as much as he can for them)...he could drag his own butt to AA and to bipolar therapy...HE could read all the marriage books and figure out what he did wrong and work on those things.

I'm not ragging on him, but I'm trying to keep the wool off of your eyes. No matter how much he says "you are keeping our family apart" and "it's your way or no way" and "you are making me divorce you"--by God girl, you just remember that he is making his own choices. He is responsible for his own self! You are not keeping your family apart...a responsible father would get a job and do whatever he could for his kids AND a responsible husband would work on himself. It's not your way or no way...if he had a reasonable plan and started executing it, you would cooperate and contribute any way you could. You just aren't allowing him to go back to the unhealthy, harmful way of treating you and he's whining because of it! You aren't Making him divorce you...HE moved away, HE won't face his alcoholism or his illness, and HE won't support his own family.

Once again, I am not ragging on him. In fact, I pray that the day comes that he DOES face his diseases, become a responsible father and husband, and learn how to be an intimate partner with you. But I also know how my stbxH is...everyone else is to blame for his issues, and sometimes I get caught up in it. Nope. He chose to have affairs--not me. He chose to move out and stop supporting his family too--not me. He chose to leave his own business--not me.

Your limits are reasonable. If he's going to be in a relationship with you, there are certain things he HAS to do--and you'll negotiate HOW it gets done, but it MUST GET DONE (for example, maybe AA meetings are too religious for him, but there are other groups for alcoholics...he could regularly attend another group and really work the program, right??).

GOOD GIRL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

So what are your plans for the weekend? Anything fun?? I have two baseball games and LAUNDRY to do. I got a cute new hairdo though, and I'm looking forward to some time with my kids.

Write to us! Let us know how you are. You are doing GREAT!!! I'm so proud of you!

CJ