Just when you have a "good" day, and start to think you actually can move on, it seems something pulls you back down.

I keep in touch with the OW's husband, we were all friends and often did things together as couples over the past few years. (The OW worked for my stbx, both on a management level). He told me a few things that, although they are not surprising, still have an effect on me that is hard to shake.

I was a bit surprised on Easter when my stbx didn't call our YD. We always made a big deal out of Easter, did the candy baskets, the egg hunts, the whole nine yards, even after the kids were no longer kids....they loved it, rolled their eyes, but enjoyed it. My YD (17) made a point of asking if she would still get a basket this year. I laughed and said, of course! I did my best to make it a nice Sunday of church, dinner out and then an egg hunt with a friend of hers...they squealed like preschoolers, it was a riot!

Well, while we did this, turns out my wonderful WH was spending his holiday with her, apparently bought her an expensive ring, and went househunting with her....found a lovely home they are very interested in. Mind you, we haven't even begun to work out a settlement agreement. She just began divorce proceedings with her H.
I have yet to collect the first dollar in any type of support since he just started a new job last month and the courts just got firm figures to work with. Meantime, I've had to work with the electric company to PLEASE not turn off the lights, I truly am doing the best I can. My attorney is working to speed things up as fast as he can, but still, my stbx knows the situation. Knows it because the bill is still in his name and he got the termination notice and never told me.

And I find out about the jewerly, the nice Easter "treat" he had, the plans they are making to buy a new home together. And we're not even close to finalizing our divorce. I'm just blown away by the audacity of it all. I know, I shouldn't be. But it's so hard to process. Its just so blantant and "in your face".

Am I just naive, or is this just to be expected? I've accepted the fact that he will not reconcile, okay, but can't he close this out with some...dignity? He keeps talking about getting on with his life, but at 110 miles per hour? I'm still picking up the pieces, I guess that's the problem.

Am I that out of it??

You're in a phase, that as I look back on right now... I've labelled the "Worse and Worse" time. That time is defined as...
- You feel you've lowered your expectations for your spouse's behavior so much and,
- You keep wanting to see something, a twinkle of the person you married and,
- The behavior is SO APPALLING you think "This is way WORSE than the last thing that I thought was THE WORSE EVER" and,
- You wonder how they could ever do anything worse than what they just did and,
- You feel weird wondering if they always were like this and you never saw it, or it's a new thing that they've become...

Worse and worse. I fell out of this phase when Denial smacked me upside the head, Reality gave beat me up and took my lunch money, and I realized that the woman I married is NOT the woman I divorced.

You're stronger than this. Hang in there.

<small>[ May 01, 2003, 10:40 PM: Message edited by: Lyxa ]</small>

BrokenX3 - Wow - I can relate and to put it bluntly it sucks.. and you just wish with all of your heart that you could just wake up tomorrow and everything would be normal again... I wish that I could just feel the way my ex does and not care and just go about life like I am happy - but it isn't happening because - like Lyxa said he isn't the person that I married - he isn't the person that I was in love with...That person would have never betrayed me... Sometimes I just think you know what if I found someone else to be in love with then I wouldn't care about him anymore - but I know that isn't the answer - so like you I have good days and bad days - and I was even divorced in September - but certain revelations or triggers still hit me when I least expect it... I am working on getting over the huge lump of hurt as my therapist likes to call it ... And hopefully someday I will feel worthy of someone else... This is not easy being dumped basically but we are strong and we will survive and I think in the end they will be the losers.... So stay strong... And always remember you are not alone...

Broken, I feel for you. Please hang in there. The advice already given is great. I believe it will get better. Lyxa hit it on the head, the man you fell in love with and married is definitely not the man he is now. I feel exactly the same way. And the "worse and worse" part is so true, too. Everytime I found out something new WH did with OW when he didn't care about our relationship anymore, it would tear me up. How could this be him? But what brought me through is that I know eventually he will become with her like he became with me in the end.

Ride it out. It WILL get better. Keep the faith that you are stronger and a better person because you valued your family more than that. I promise it will get better, but remember, he is just one person--don't let him dominate your whole being. I speak from experience. My sun rose and set according to XH. (the X part is very new to me even still). When you finally have had enough, and you will, you will start ascending to heights you never dreamed about. We just have to let go, and let God handle it.
Prayers to you!

Broken---get it all out and then you can move on. There is life over the hill of infidelity. I know that you know that cause you have experienced that life.

It is very mind boggling when you give yourself to people and it is not appreciated or considered valuable. I have been pondering these thoughts lately. And yes, I can agree that life is not fair.

Some men have a great capacity for denial and self deception. Because they departmentalize everything in their minds, they can actually not see or think about what they don't want to. When I asked my WH how he could be with OW one minute, then come home to me a half hour later, he said that he would just detach from me. So that is the only explanation that I can understand about all this.

I feel that I have made great strides but the thought or any evidence that OW is getting what I deserve does still pierce my heart. Sorry that you have to deal with this but it would be better for you to not know so much. I think ignorance is bliss when it comes to the details of the
WS/OW happenings. I make a huge effort to not find out any information about them. It served a purpose when we lived together cause I had to face reality to make decisions but now it is only meaningless hurt. Protect and guard your heart. It has been broken and needs to heal. Give it what it needs to continue healing.

TW

Thank you all!! It is so great to be able to come here, vent, pick up the pieces and face the next day, thanks to people like you who truly care. Knowing that your hearts have been, on any given day, where my heart was yesterday is comforting, although I wish we all could have been spared this.

I didn't sleep much last night, but 24 hours later, I'm feeling much better, and I'll for sure sleep tonight. Went out with a good friend for dinner, had a nice time, and felt "normal" for a few hours...what a boost that can be.

Lyxa, your "worse and worse" theory fits me to a tee. My stbx just continues to amaze me with his callous, detached arrogance. He has morphed into some alien creature, one that is not all the attractive to me. He gives "selfish" a whole new meaning! I hope you are doing okay this weekend.

maw64, thanks for being so understanding. I read all your posts with great interest because our situations are so similiar. Better days are ahead for us, of that I am sure!

tossed wave, I so admire the way you are handling your life and your efforts to make something good come of all this. I had to chuckle when I read your "ignorance is bliss" comment-it has always been a favorite saying of mine! If only I had known how aptly it would describe my life....

kimmy2, thanks much for your prayers and concern. There is something unique about those of us who were high school sweethearts that makes it especially hard to accept our marriages are over...that bittersweet "first love"..its not supposed to be this way. Ever see the movie "Peggy Sue got Married?"

Bless you all for pulling me back up! I'm here for you too.

broken,

I am sorry that you are feeling the pain yet again!!! It's not fair how their lifes go on and there seems to be no consequences that are visable to us anyways!!!!

This was posted over on Recovery, I found it a very interesting read (Long though)but very well worth the time.

I have asked xH many times to explain to me how it is that he allowed this to happen to our marriage and family, I thought that he was just being a [censored] by saying "no you won't understand" Truth be told he didn't understand and this post really sheds some light on how it does happen.

I forwarded it to xH with a very nice note, am sure that I will never get a response back from him but that is ok, I am n ot looking to teach him anything or getting him to see things differently. I just found the thread to be interesting, I hope that you will too!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=010537

<small>[ May 04, 2003, 01:26 PM: Message edited by: daybreak ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The woman I married is not the woman I divorced. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow Lyxa, that is actually quite profound...

Fits my life to a T. Although sometimes I wonder if I was in denial about her since my first kiss. I look back and see so many things, but just blew them off because I loved her so much.

But I can honestly say The woman I divorced is NOT the woman I thought I was married to.

<small>[ May 04, 2003, 02:52 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

daybreak, thank you for directing me to the Recovery thread post - it was long, but well worth the read time. While it didn't fit every aspect of our situation, it was 95% applicable!!

I am feeling better now, just took a few days to absorb all the information and battle the feelings it brought on. I have strictly limited our contact and that is doing me more good than anything else. I am a very emotional, heart on my sleeve person, it is just who I am. Dealing with the emotional fall out of the affair(s) and his ultimately choosing his married mistress over me, destoying two entire families without so much a blinking, has left me reeling for months. I am just now beginning to come to terms with it emotionally and am now concentrating more on the realistic fall out of all of this - like, how on earth am I going to keep the lights turned on? How can I continue to make the car payment? Where will I live now?

Always a good thing, keeping your mind busy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !!

I'm not a "slow" person, or lazy or unwilling to work as hard as it takes. I simply blindly invested years in my stbxh instead of myself, thinking I was doing the right thing, and I'm very angry now, not only with him, but with myself. I should have known better.