Three weeks ago after an argument my husband announced that he wanted a divorce. Since that I hired a private investigator who has discovered at least one other woman that he has been dealing with for almost 2 months now. I have confronted him with this but he says that it's just a telephone companion. He says his reasons for wanting to leave are that I don't keep the house clean enough and I ask him too many questions. He says that he's been unhappy for over a year but affraid to let go of our 11 year marriage. When he told me what his problems with me were I immediatley began to make sure the house was straight at all times and I have tried to avoid asking questions that might irritate him. I have also gone out and bought quite a bit of lingerie(which by the way was his 3rd compliant) and have worn something new every night since then. The only thing that he has seemed to notice is the lingerie. The only time he pays attention to me is bedtime. He has not spoken with a lawyer yet but he will not even hear of going to counceling. Late last week he decided that he no longer wants a divorce he just wants us to be separated. He wants to sell our house and we both move into our own places and then he wants us to date one another exclusively. Yesterday I finally got up enough strenght to tell him that I could no longer be lead around by the nose and that if this is what he wants we have to stop sleeping together and I would no longer cook and keep house for him. I have to look out for me and my son and that's it. He did not like what I had to say and now it seems he's angry with me all over again. Did I make a mistake by standing up for myself?

Elayne:<P>I am very sorry to hear what you are being put through. It sounds like you have genuinely tried to make things work by trying to please your husband and do some of the things that HE felt were important. You have made a very conscientious attempt to keep the house clean, limited the amount of questions and tried to fulfill some of his bedroom fantasies. There is no doubt in my mind that you have acted as team player and tried to compromise to make the marriage work. I would hope that he would be doing the same for you in return, but it sounds like there must be other unresolved issues which is leading him to the separation idea. I am sorry about that because obviously you seem to be really trying.<P>Let me tell you a story. I am in a similar situation. You can read my posts and all of the replies to it under the title "Zero Respect for One Another". Bottom line is that I have similar issues with my wife that your husband had with you. My wife is a stay at home mom / housewife who in my opinion, has never been able to uphold her end of the bargain and keep up the house properly with the amount of time that she has. I work hard all day (and continue it when I come home each day) and feel that she is not a part of the "sweat" that a marriage goes through each day. In addition, my "reasonable" requests to spice up our sex life were likewise never met. I discussed these concerns with her at first in a very loving way, in which I basically got a response that went something like "it really doesn't matter what you want or think". Over time, I became very nasty regarding these unfulfilled needs to a point where due to my verbal abuse and ridicule, she no longer wants anything to do with me and says she doesn't love me anymore. I keep struggling to make her see that marriage is a two-sided coin and that there is always compromise. Compromise maintains happiness. I must compromise as well to fulfill her needs. I would have liked to think that I did do that. I think you saw that and really made a strong attempt to make things work by understanding your husbands concern and doing what you could to rectify them in some manner. I wish my wife could take a lesson from you, Elayne. If she had compromised even just a little bit, I in turn would have done the same and I really believe our marriage would be much better. I'm not sure where we are right now, but I know that I still love her and miss her greatly. I hope things work out for you. Best of luck.<BR>

Elayne:<P>I would suggest that you spend time reading the concepts, Q&A, and Articles sections of the MarriageBuilder's site---to get a good grasp on how these principles work.<P>It seems that you may be dealing with an affair---whether it's been a physical affair or simply a "telephone companion" (an emotional affair), the way you deal with it is the same. An affair is typically the symptom of unhappiness in the marriage. Your husband doesn't love you anymore (your "balance" in his lovebank is low, in MB terms). You're probably not too enamored with him either.<P>The good news is that love is conditional. It's a response to how other's treat us. You can rebuild love in a marriage. You may even be able to build it to something much more than originally existed. But to do so, you need a plan.<P>Plan A (of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>Surviving an Affair</A>) is for you. It's discussed in this <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>article</A> as well, although there's much more information in the book. You actually took a couple of steps in the Plan A direction, when you started keeping the house straight and bought lingere in response to your husband's complaints about his "needs" not being filled. That's great, but in order to have an effective plan A, you must establish new marital behaviors in a consistant fashion, and keep it up for a long time (life---if the two of you are to stay together). You can't yo-yo between using Plan A and lovebusting, which is what you did by using your threats.<P>I suggest that you work on implementing an effective Plan A with the help of the material on this site, and perhaps the phone counseling available through MB (888-639-1639). Steve and Jenn Harley do the counseling, and they're both terrific (I know this first-hand ). In Plan A, your primary goal is to eliminate <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Lovebusters</A>: behaviors that drain love from your spouse. Often it's the lovebusters that create problems in a marriage. If you are disrespectful, you use angry outbursts, selfish demands, or are dishonest---these kill love. Fix these issues first, and get consistant with new behavior.<P>Then, start meeting your husband's needs, as far as you are willing too (don't build up resentment). You need to be consistant. Patient. Expect at least three months for these changes to take effect.<P>I would also advise you to let him know that you don't want to be separated. If he insists, don't fight with him. Just work on Plan A (from a distance) as best you can. If he wants to be separated so badly, it must either mean that he's extremely uncomfortable around you (due to lovebusters), or he has someone who he wants to see. Either way---the Plan is the same.<P>We'll talk about Plan B later...<P>Good luck.

Dominic, thanks for sharing your story with me. It makes me feel better that there are other men out there that think the way my husband does and that he's not just fishing for excuses. I however, unlike your wife work a full time job bring home more money than my spouse, am a very active and supportive mother of a 9 year old and enrolled in school on a full time basis. I sat down with my husband before enrolling in school and had a very long talk with him on whether or not he felt this was a good time for me to further my education. I explained to him that I would need a lot more help with the house as well as our son. He being of sound mind and body fully agreed. Now 1 1/2 years later I get hit with "I want a divorce." I have stood by this man and been a faithful loving wife for 11 years he is in the Navy and throught our 11 year marriage (13 including the courtship) I have been there for 3 6-month, 3 3-month and a host of shorter periods of time when he had to be out to sea and I have never once faultered. I know that he still loves me as you do your wife but the mere thought that someone would be willing to throw away so much love over a house not being as clean as they think it should when they think it should is ludicrous to me. In your situation I can understand to a certain degree where you are coming from but as some one else responed to you "Housekeeping and caring for children is a full time job" it takes a little more than the male mind can fathom. I think sometimes men get wraped up in what their mothers did and lose sight that they no longer live with their mothers they now live with their partners. That's really what marriage is all about partnering. The phrase "There's no I in TEAM" is a very good saying. I think we all need to take heed. Thanks for you feedback and I'll keep you and your situation in my prayers. If you just truly believe, things will get better.