Last night during an angry conversation with my STBXH about visitation with our children (he wants to have both the infant and the toddler for alternating full weekends. I want to split the weekends up because I don’t want the infant staying at OW’s house (an hour away) all weekend). I said to WH, “how are you going to feel when I start dating and B (3 year old son) is playing baseball and going swimming with another man.” WH said, “I’d feel terrible because I’d want to be the one doing it.” I said, “well, I’ve started dating someone and the reason that I’m trying to schedule these weekends like this is so that he (new boyfriend) and B aren’t together. I don’t feel like it’s right introducing them at this stage, unlike how you’ve done with B and OW.”

This was a complete fib (I haven’t had anything that resembles a date) and I can’t believe it came out of my mouth but WH was STUNNED. It was as if he hadn’t even considered the possibility that I might someday see someone else. I was pregnant when he started A and left and I guess he figured no one would be interested in a women with children so young. When he came over this morning to pick up B for school the grass was mowed (I learned how to do it and mowed it last night). I bet he thinks this new guy is mowing “his” grass. I heard him ask B on the way to the car, “who mowed the grass?” B said, “I did!” (Aren’t three year olds great!)

In addition, I just returned from a business trip – I bet WH is now wondering if it really was a business trip…. There’s not much hope for our marriage, but I have to say I’m getting some satisfaction out of this. I have the house, the kids (for the most part), our friends, our family, my job and now a “boyfriend.” He has OW, a job he hates and a crummy apartment. Even if it’s a fabrication…I think…the tides…are turning……

OMGosh, it's killing him, LOL. I wouldn't change a thing, let him continue to think what he believes is happening. I'd give him 6 weeks tops and he'll be begging to come back. How dare another man takes what's his AND mow HIS yard!

Now what you need to do is hire a young boy from your neighborhood to mow your yard, so when the next time he asks your son will have a name for him! Make sure it's the same boy everytime. That will just floor him even more! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

due -

I realize its satsifying but this is risky business. For one thing its dishonest. What if your STBX starts asking your kids about the "new man"? What are you going to tell your kids, that you fibbed? And secondly it could backfire on you in any custody issues, even if it isn't true. Concentrate on the "real" good things in your life and back off of this one REAL quick.

When I was doing my radical 180's with my H (we were separated 1 1/2 yrs; married almost 23 yrs now), I was careful not to outright "lie". However, if he "perceived" something, I did not disabuse him of the idea, LOL, just muttered something unintelligible.

You might want to read abt some of the stuff I did. It is on this thread:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=014880;p=1

HOWEVER, any man that would leave a PG wife and run off with OW, IMHO, you are probably better off WITHOUT. My own personal moral code says he is lower than slime. Sorry, that is how I feel.

But you might get a kick out of some of the things that happened to me. BTW, H has been back almost 2 yrs now and we are doing great!

Carol

I still strongly think this is a mistake, especially because of the kids involved. If its just you and a STBX, fine, have your fun. but don't get the kids mixed up in this. It will only add to their confusion and their trauma. And in a custody fight, its almost a guarantee that the issue will come up.

Ok guys. Your points are well taken, but I figure if WH ever said, "well, what's happened with this guy." I'd say, we were friends - nothing serious - decided not to take it any further.

Regarding the children...my WH has taken the 3 YO on vacation with OW, they spend weekends at her house, she spends the night at his apartment. Do I approve and think that it's good for my son? Heck NO! Does it hurt me? YES! But I can't do anything to stop WH from being around OW while he has the children. One child is 3 years old and the other is 3.5 months old. I have tried to keep my WH from having them around OW but he does it anyway. If I tried to prohibit him from seeing the children at all - it would surely turn into a custody battle - it would hurt the children (i.e. no dad) - and it would hurt me (no time to do anything).

I'm not really doing this to try and get WH to come back -- but his reaction was fun - and I think was the first dose of reality that he's been served since he decided to take our lives in this direction.

If I thought that this would hurt me or my children I wouldn't do it.

Uhhh, time for spin control! Lots of valid points given and nice touch. Time maybe to join a volunteer group. Yes, that's it putting your energies into good causes and partnering plutonically for the planet and you have no time to waste.

Hey wonder if locating a big brother for your kids might be truly positive to take them out on excursions. Since your STBX is so busy with his insignificant other and being an anti rodel, poor example of fatherhood anyways.

Isn't it sad there are so many dead beat dads out there but nice to know there are alot of heart beat dads to. Unfortuante, the males we choose to have children with lost their identity way in the process.

I have made many friends, both male and female in my Divorce Support Group (DSG). One male in particular lives close and helps with air conditioners and now mows the lawn (for pay of course). He is a friend in my home, and my girls are familiar with him and his children. I tell them that it is OK to have friends, both male and female and that he is like my female friends, not a boyfriend.

It may help you to find a group or a friendship of this type, because sometimes the male perspective on things is really important to have.

Just my 2 cents.
PS, I have no desire to date until I get out of this D hell.

Thanks for the suggestion newly. Yes, I'm looking into joining a DSG in my area. I think there is one that meets at a local church. I checked out the Parents without Partners website, but it was depressing to me for some reason. I think at this stage, I'm better off with just me and my kids. For one thing, they and I need all of the attention that I have right now and I just couldn't set myself up for any kind of potential rejection or heartache right now that dating might bring. Been through too much of that lately. Someone mentioned on these boards that anyone you date deserves more than a person with wearing a thin, brave, mask (or the same idea). I do feel like I'm wearing a thin, brave mask right now (but it is getting stronger every day).

If I'm honest, this "phantom boyfriend" is just to irritate my STBXH and make him uncomfortable. I'm sure it's probably not healthy and not nearly as sensible as everyone always seems to be around here - but I'm ready for some payback. Doesn't anyone else ever want to "give you WS a taste of his/her medicine." Or am I the only immature BS out there?

DIJ

I think my DSG helps both me and the children. It gives me a place to discuss adult issues, and also gives feedback on how to deal with the children during this difficult time. It was a blessing for me to find a great group. And the support is amazing.