Now that we are getting closer to the big D, W wants me to stop the divorce. She knows I have no trust left and she admits that about me as well (even though she says not as much). But I am so far down the road that I cannot go back. I have finally put her A and her 1 1/2 years of lies behind me only by filing for divorce. She wants to have MORE time and counselling to 'put the past behind'. We have been able to keep things civil and the only issue left is alimony (no kids) and it's over.
I cannot do this anymore cause I will still have to cope with the 'baggage' that remains. We did have a BIG blow up on Wednesday when my attorney called me on my cell while she was in my car. We nuked each other once again. Guess that proves it's too little too late.

Maybe the biggest issue is SHE wants to controll the outcome, you going ahead with the divorce means she lost,I dont see why people always think the divorce means its the final end, if later on down the line something in your heart changes, whats to stop you two from trying again? I really believe that if somethings meant to be no legal paperwork will scare it off. its a long shot, but the longshots pay good at the track... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Fortyone:
I agree. I got divorced in March- still open and praying for GOD's will!!! Maybe reconciliation, maybe new love..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I've been reading about couples that reconcile even years after divorce. That gives me hope, with turning the situation over for God to help in the situation. It's new, and like an open wound for you I would imagine. I would like to hear any success stories of remarriage after no matter what length of time. Trust your gut, and if things are in a swirl, maybe you should just coast until you truly know what direction you are pointed. Good luck.

Hi JacknJill
I am a success story - not because of my marriage but because of how I've grown. I just thought I would share with you my story:
Met in 1989
Lived together in 1990
Married 1/1993
Divorce 7/1995 because H moved in with OW(so called friend)
OW moved to another state we Remarried 3/1997
4/1997 found picture of an OW on his desk
3 year Plan A
Continued contact SAME OW! 4/99 (separted 2 weeks)
He cryed begged pleaded
Continued contact SAME OW! 1/00 (separated 2 months)
He cryed begged pleaded
Continued contact SAME OW! 6/01 (separated 4 months) and I filed for Divorce
He cryed begged pleaded and sent no contact letter to OW + all our friends/family/Pastor
9/01 Divorce on hold started marriage counseling
attended weekly counseling until 6/02
Finally Divorced AGAIN! 12/2002

For me it was a personal journey of self recovery. I learned he was treating me the way I allowed him to treat me. I learned I was just as guilty for what was happening in my life because I allowed it to happen. I learned that loving and forgiving him has NOTHING to do with marriage/reconciliation. I love him, I forgive him, I want whats best for him - but this is not good for either one of us. I learned I was like a battered woman who keeps coming back for more. I learned to love and care for myself and not worry so much about HIS issues - thats his problem. I'm grateful for the experience because without it I wouldn't be who I am today.

Keep working on you and learning to love yourself. In time you will find happiness with or without him.

I understand what you all are saying about reconciling and the divorce meaning its not final you can always reconcile at a later date. My question is why? Why not work it out now? I am not saying it will be easy but if you have kids I really think you should try. I myself am the WS and I have been trying to reconcile with my H but he wants nothing to do with me and he even told me maybe we can try again in the future.He is in the military stationed in Korea and i have no way but through e-mails and the phone in trying to get back together. Whether in his angriness with me or whatever his reasons he decided to extend for another year. I would give anything to start all over and get so upset when i hear about the bs's on this post getting back with there ws's and it happening again to them. I have learned a valuable lesson in all this dont ever take what u have for granted because the grass isnt always greener on the other side.

Toosad,
Girlfriend, you aren't "getting it."
You are putting the responsibilities of the break up, soley on yourself.
I believe you when you say that you've found out the grass isn't greener.
You are not figuring out why you had this affair in the first place.
Don't try and wave a magic wand to make it all go away. You have to give him time to forgive. Never expect him to forget.
Please find the book RELATIONSHIP RESCUE by Dr. Phil. This book has the answers you are looking for.
I'm still praying for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Aly

I agree with Aly when she ays you have to figure out why you had the affair in the first place. The only true healing comes when we look at what we did wrong and why we did it in the first place. My prayer for many here, especially BS, is that they will look at what they did wrong in the marriage. That is the only way true healing can take place. So many here talk as if the marriage going wrong was all the ohter persons fault. True,the WS did not have to give into the temptation to commit adultery, but both parties did their part when a marriage goes bad. I use to not beleive this was true. GOd has shown me different. God convicted me of so many things I had did wrong in my marriage. I am thankful for this because this is how I have healed. I had to confess my sins and turn form my old ways. Know I have gotten rid of the "baggage" so I will be ready when my husband comes home.

Even if you have no interest in reconcilation, you still have to do this before you will have a good relationship with anyone else. I have to look at my sins and leave my husbands to God. We all have fallen short. Anyone who says they did nothing wrong, is not being truthful with themselves. Sin is sin and we have all sinned. There are no big sins there is just sin. We have to forgive ourself before we can begin to forgive others.

No, I am not a WS. I hurt my husband many different ways. Yes he hurt me. Who did the worse? Only God knows that answer and since I am not God, I leave that to Him. Healing comes when I confess my sins and turn from them. Confessing my husbands sins does me no good and hurts my husband. He has to see his sin and I will never convict him of his sin.

You say, I can never trust them again. We are not to trust in man. All are trust must be in God. His word tells us that over and over again. Man will always let us down. That is why we need God. When we truat Him for everything, then things work out and our realtionships get better. If you put your trust in any human, you will always be let down. That is why no one ever lives up to our expectations. That is why we have so many bad relationships. We are expecting people to give us things that only God can give us. It isn't about putting your trust in the right person. It is about putting your trust in God and letting Him led you.

You are all right about the same thing happening over and over again. It will, as long as we trust in man. You must trust God to heal you and your spouse in His way and in His time.Until you do this, your next realtionship will be the same and it doesn't matter if you are a BS or a WS.Anyone can change and the change must start with us or we will just keep spinning our wheels.

Don't be fooled, healing hurts.But without healing, we suffer.

gentle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Anyone can change and the change must start with us or we will just keep spinning our wheels.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wise words gentle. Thanks for the reminder.

doogie, if your stbxWW were as remorseful as Jen Brown, toosad, and others here, I would say that you may be making a big mistake in divorcing her. But by what you've posted, it looks like she isn't near remorse, and just wants to maintain the status quo for her personal benefit. If this is the case, you are probably right that continuing the divorce may be the best decision. Besides, if in the future your stbxWW were to grow as a person and show true remorse for what she did, then there may be a chance for the two of you to remarry.

I just wanted to fill you all in on what has been happening to me. Like I have said before I have been trying to reconcile and recommending to my husband we seek counceling or even those retrovaille weekends I have heard about. He told me if we went to counsiling it would go in one ear and out the other and all his love has died for me and he no longer loves me . I guess he feels he needs to go out and date I guess because I had my fun he wants his too. He also said he may have been jumping the gun when we got married of course he is kind of saying the same things i had told my friends on the tape he recorded of me.
I am finally coming to terms as to why i did this and even though there was no excuse to do what i did I can see how it came about . We were both very neglectful in our feelings to each other both in the emotional category and communication. I wish it had never gotten to the point where one of us was going to cheat for us to open our eyes. i felt in my heart something might happen and like i said in previous posts I never thought it would of been me .
I am trying to make a better person of myself so that when my H does come back and does want to try again I will be ready but if he doesnt when I do find someone else I will not drag the problems i had in my first marriage to the new relationship.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am trying to make a better person of myself so that when my H does come back and does want to try again I will be ready but if he doesnt when I do find someone else I will not drag the problems i had in my first marriage to the new relationship.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well said toosad. What's often forgoten is that recovery is not just marital but personal as well. If the marriage can't be saved, the people in it must do everything they can to recover so as to not be tied down by their past mistakes and sabotaging their future happiness.

[/QUOTE]Well said toosad. What's often forgoten is that recovery is not just marital but personal as well. If the marriage can't be saved, the people in it must do everything they can to recover so as to not be tied down by their past mistakes and sabotaging their future happiness.[/QB][/QUOTE]

I hear this all the time.....RECOVER.....why does everyone need to go into recovery. When I divorced my EX that is all the recovery I needed. It was like a ton of bricks was lifted off my shoulders. I never felt more relief because of all the pressure my EX had on me. Financially, her calling and hanging our with other men...........recovery? Not all situations are the same man. Sorry, but they arent. Some times a recovery period is needed, other times just leaving sets you straight. I have NOT had one problem in my new relationship and its been over a year together....ya know why?....it wasnt recovery, it was my lady being totally different than my EX. That is all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

ITSOVER, you like or dislike of RECOVERY is totally irrelevant. The vast majority of people DO need to recover personally before they are able to move on to healthier relationships without taking the ghosts of previous failed relationship on to the next. In your case, you probably lost all love for you ex-WW prior to your divorce (like I did), and that made it much easier for you to move on, BUT not all folks are/were in your shoes, and to them a period of mourning and recovery is the way to go.

DOOGIE,

SHORT AND SWEET:

PROCEED WITH THE DIVORCE........

I have NOT had one problem in my new relationship and its been over a year together....ya know why?
Because you’re in what’s called the “honeymoon” period. We all turn a blind eye to much stuff that would actually bother us. The “good“ stuff is all really good and it outweighs the “bad” stuff. After a while, the “good” stuff is not new or exciting anymore and the “bad” stuff starts to stick out.

If you have not had any one problem in a year, great! That is entirely possible. But it is more than likely you are overlooking (not wanting to see) the things which would normally be a problem.

But to think it will go on that way, then you are either naive or just being ?

Besides, if their are problems, you learn how to deal with them and learn how to deal with each other. And this can only benefit a relationship.