She called and wanted to know if she could come by and talk, I said sure. She came over and we sat on the porch and she told me that she wasn't happy with the way her life was going. Her mothers cancer is back and she cried on my sholder for a while then she told me that she missed being with me and that she wanted to feel loved again like she did when she was with me. She also said that she has never had someone that she felt this way about it her life. But then she said that she was affraid to try to start over or come back because she was affriad that it wouldn't be worth it, meaning everything that has happened in the past. She told me that she wanted to start spending time with me to see if things would fall into place naturally.

It was very hard for me to sit and take all of this info in at one time. The conversation lasted about 2 hrs and she said that she felt emotionally drained when it was all over..

Why did she come to me and tell me all of this if she still has not made her mind up about starting over or comming back. I know that she is just as confussed today as she was the day we broke things off.

Do any of you ladies out there know how or what I can do for her to want to trust me to try again?
Or is time the only thing I have in my favor.

<small>[ May 05, 2003, 08:35 AM: Message edited by: needtounderstand ]</small>

not a lady...

My own ex does this whenever some new flame in her life dies. When I was supportive, she'd complain to the next flame about what a [censored] I was to the just ended flame. I got sick of it and have since terminated all contact with her. Obviously she trusted me enough to cry on my shoulder.

You can never go back to a clean slate when certain things have happened.

Be careful, go slow and maintain your boundaries. I'm not familiar with your situation but taking it slow and giving it time is your safest bet. You shouldn't feel time pressured. If something has to happen right now then there probably is something else pushing it.

Make sure of what you really want. This is your time, not hers. Most of us on here have at one time or another hoped for the same, but once they got it weren't sure they really wanted it.

I think there is a lot to be said for making it work and giving it a try if it is real.

your only response should be,

"So what are you going to do about it?"

listen, and just ask questions

make no statements.

she's typically fogged up . . .

wiftty

what steps can i take to regain her trust without pushing the issue and taking it slow... The last thing either of us want is to jump back into something that isn't right. But i really want her to be able to trust me. even if we never become a couple again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by needtounderstand:
[QB]what steps can i take to regain her trust without pushing the issue and taking it slow... QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think there are any steps you can take by yourself. I'm not familiar with your story, either, so I'm guessing here.

Was there an A involved here? By her or you? This makes an enormous difference in my mind.

My answer to you depends on it. If the A was on her part, then YOU don't have to do anything to regain her trust, unless she does some things to regain YOUR trust!

However, if YOU had the A initially, then I can understand why she would have "trust" issues.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Why did she come to me and tell me all of this if she still has not made her mind up about starting over or comming back. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because she has NOT made up her mind!

My 2¢: Tread lightly, and let HER make all the moves back towards you.

no affairs on either side. just alot of miscomunication that lead to disrespect from her to me. and from me to her. I thought at the time she was playing games with me so i broke it off with her and walked away. She said I broke her heart and i can understand that now that i have had time to look back and see how things went.
We really had a communication problem that lead to us thinking things about the other and never would ask only assume and that cause us to do things that hurt the other and say thing, not taking the others feelings into consideration.

If i could go back in time and handle thing diffrently i would. I am truly sorry for all the hurt and pain that i caused.. We both had a trust issue but i think in time we both will be willing to try and regain that trust

I just don't want to screw it up if i get the chance. thats why i asked how I could go about regaining her trust without rushing things and making her feel like i am pushing . I only make small talk these days when we do talk. And I have made it clear to her that I don't want to repeat the past , that if we ever have a future together i want it to be better than ever . But I know i have to take things very slowly if this is to happen. I really thinks she wants to start over but is affraid to admittit.... I talked to her today and she brought up that in the past i made her feel like i was pushing. I said I never want you to do anything that you don't want to do. If we can spent time together and things come naturally then fine if not then i will be happy just having you as a friend. I don't want to try and create a future for us , but if it happens i am fine with it.

Bump ^^^

bump

Sounds pretty much like "my pillar of strength in times of need"-type of syndrome, if you like.
This is not necessarily a bad thing, a sign of some intimacy still between you.

Anyone serious of a reconciliation would agree to counselling. Try it . Ask her.

Stay cautiously optimistic, there's no reason the two of you can't date, for example, if YOU are sure you still want it.

muzohead

I don't know if i should ask her out or wait and let her make the first move. I don't want to come across as pushy or like im trying to rush things.

NTU:
Don't wonder what will come across as pushy, or the like. You need to decide what YOU want, and go with your heart. If she wants you, she wants who you are. Don't walk on eggs.

My advice would be to ask her out, with a view to broaching the subject of counselling. IMHO this should be a non-negotiable. This will test her sincerity. Counselling is a safe middle-ground option, without unfairly prejudicing either one of you.

However, do not be too disappointed if you are rejected. Move on & you could tell her "if you decide to try seriously, give me a call". The fact that you feel that there are things you could have done differently & better, does not mean you should apologise for everything . A new beginning would have to be on level ground.

muzhead

My advice is do nothing. If she is interested let her chase you. Let her make the first move to ask you out. If she is interested in reconciling she will let you know without the mindgames. The more you play hard to get the more she is going to be interested especially if she sees that you are moving on.

She called sat night and wanted to watch a movie.
I agreed and when she got here she seemed to want to talk. She asked me if i would rub her shoulder and neck. She sat between my legs and while I was massaging her she started talking.

She said that she wasn't ready for a relationship of any kind but she hoped that we could be friends. She said that wasn't just talking about with me but that she didn't want a man in her life at all at this time. she said she needed to deal with the things that happened at her own pace. She also said that she missed my kisses and touches but she couldn't allow me to do those things to her because that would mean her allowning herself close enough to me that i could hurt her again.

I told her I understood how she was feeling and said that I was scared also. I told her again that I was sorry for any hurt that I had caused her. She asked me to stop appoligising because she knows that i am sorry for what i have done.

I said ok as long as you know I will not say it again.

I then told her that being friends was just fine with me.

Then I asked her the big question of the night.
I asked when you are ready for a relationship or a man in your life will you consider allowing us another chance.
I didn't know what answer I was gonna get but then she said " YES I WILL CONSIDER THAT " you know i like your company im just really scared right now.

I said thank you. And kept right on massageing her.

I think all in all the night went well. I also know now that she hates it when i say im sorry over and over. No more of that and no more talking about what was.

The only way i see it is things can only get better from here on out. Even if it is only a friend ship. That is more than we have had the last several months..

And if i was really that bad of a person and hurt her to the point of no return she wouldn't want aything to do with me at all.

Glad things are looking up.