Okay. So, I'm in my 6th month of separation. My friend and his wife set me up to go out with them and his wife's (Lisa) sister Tracy. Tracy is in her 3rd month of her own separation. We went for a nature walk, played miniature golf, had dinner, and then talked for a while.

It was very fun. Self-evaluation follows for comment and advice.

I could done these better:
- I turned pale and lost my composure when my Lisa brought up a time when my stbxWW had gone to lunch with Lisa and Tracy and apparently gone off about me. It took me about 20 minutes to get over the sick feeling in my stomach. Now, I'm terribly curious what was said and am trying to let it go. Fortunately, this was during the hike and so I just moved on up ahead of the others for that time. Though everyone noticed how pale I turned.
- Follow up. I had no idea how to follow up on this. Tracy and I talked about getting together later on... but I never got her tel # or actually made that arrangement. To be honest, I'm not sure HOW to do this anymore. I needed to have gotten her tel #, even though I can get it from Mark.
- I needed to let her talk more. I felt like she kept asking me questions that I should have been asking her.
- She made many excuses for me to hold her hands and I just couldn't do it. Same with a kiss as a dare. I figure there'll be time for that later on.

What I did well:
- She seemed to honestly enjoy my sense of humor.
- I didn't bring up my dv at all, or hers, and was able to siderail all such discussions (except that one) with humor.
- I passed the cell phone test. She seemed pleased that I hadn't even brought mine with me.
- I passed the "do we share any common interests" test.
- I think I put her at ease and made her feel very comfortable, even when the other couple were getting all mushy.

Signs that things went well:
- She did give me her tel # verbally... and she suggested it would be fun to get together later on.
- She did most of the touching, which became more and more frequent as the date wore on. Just little stuff... like "bumping" into me, touching my hand, etc.
- Any comparisons to her x were favorable ones like, "You can cook?!?", "My x never watched movies like that!", etc. I did not compare her at all to my x or even bring it up. I understand this is fairly common behavior for women to compare... as a way of saying what they like and don't like.
- She complimented me more and more as the night wore on. I complimented her several times and more through actions than directly.

So, I feel like I did pretty well. I guess we'll see. I have a history (from back in college) of having great 1st dates. LOL... the 2nd+ dates always seemed to go just awful though.

Why must you date?

Are you afraid of being alone?

you are not ready to date with those reactions.

go out and have fun, but realize you are still in a period of mourning, and hurt, and anything with 2 legs, breasts, and an interest in you will feel extraordinarily good.

My suggestion is to just live life without looking for a date, and all of a sudden one will show up unannounced,
\
wiftty

I've been alone for almost a year now. All my friends are married with kids, which makes it hard to find people to do stuff. It'd be nice to have some friends and I'm trying to make new ones.

Not scared of being alone. But, I can only tell myself stories for so long before I bore myself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not scared of being alone. But, I can only tell myself stories for so long before I bore myself.[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That was pretty funny.

Okay... she emailed me her contact info and we've been bantering back on forth on email. This is fun. ;-) I'll give her a call tonight.

You're married & she's married and you are dating???

I don't see how that fits into marriage builders.

What does this teach your children about marriage? That is is okay to date when you are married as long as you are not getting along.

I've been alone for almost a year now.
So?

<small>[ May 06, 2003, 02:51 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

It's your life to do with as you please, but personally, I refuse to go out on dates while I'm separated from my H. As I repeat over and over to him when he suggests that he'd like to go on dates, and that I supposedly should do the same, separated is different from divorced. We are still married, legally and in God's eyes too.

I'm not sure how I'll ever start dating again. I am fairly sure it will be at least several months after we divorce, if we divorce. I haven't been on a first date since I was 17. You are braver than I to go on a date.

However, you have already got a Dv settlement I see in your signature line? What's the difference between a Dv settlement and a Dv? When will your Dv be final?

Just curious, not trying to tell you how to live your life,

Jen

Lyxa,

I know that you are having fun experiencing dating again, but you are still married...

IMHO, you need to wrap things up with your W and either reconcile or divorce before you begin dating.

I would suggest putting the breaks on this and not getting involved too fast.

It's hard because you are having fun, but this can't really be a good thing to do.

Hmmm... my original intent in this was to share with the forum a "life after dv" experience. I have certainly spent a lot of time wondering what it'd be like... I'm sure there are others of you out there that have wondered too. This was mine.

When I said "dating" perhaps I should have said "socializing" or "being social" or "making friends with the other gender". To me, the definition is kind of the same, though I respect that to some of you it means having a sexual relationship. If you live in a state where divorce takes 2 weeks... that's great. It takes a long time here and so there's a way around the waiting period loosely called a "dv settlement". Mine's been done since February. You can all take a deep breath now.

To respond to some of the gross misconceptions carried in this thread:
- There are no children. My message to them would be choose your spouse carefully and be honorable. Visit divorce court with your fiance before getting married. Duh CA. If I went through the trouble of creating a signature line, don't you think I would have noted if there were kids?
- Obviously there are issues moving forward. I'm dealing with them the best I can. I don't think that sitting inside my apartment and refraining from all social contact with women is going to help.
- I understand that some of you are going through a divorce with hopes of recapturing your spouse during or afterwards. My heart goes out to you. My x moved on during the marriage and has gone out of her way since the dv settlement to make sure that I understood she's never coming back. I'd have to be a moron to try and recapture anything with her. You each have to make your own decisions based on your circumstances.

Moderator... please delete this thread. Let me know when MB has a "Single Again at Last" forum.

Hmmm... my original intent in this was to share with the forum a "life after dv" experience
But you don't know what it's like yet as you are still married, aren't you?

Duh CA. If I went through the trouble of creating a signature line, don't you think I would have noted if there were kids?

No. Many people leave a BUNCH of pertinent info out of their sig lines. I guess I read more into it than there was.

I didn't think you were having sex & don't think dating means sex. Some do. My point is, regardless of separaton or not, you are still married until the judge says you aren't and should act accordingly.

A spouse who has an affair thinks a marriage is in bad shape when they have an affair and they think it's okay but the betrayed spouse doesn't. Isn't that the same thinking you are using? We are getting divorced so it's now okay?
If you have principles and believe in them, then live up to them. Don't pretend otherwise.

If you are divorced, then my apologies about the above comments directed at you.

since the dv settlement
Does this mean you are divorced or you both agreed to everything and simply waiting for the divorce to be final?

Ok...Ok....yes this is marriage builders. But, people have ongoing affairs and the BS is told to hang in there and dont give up and go through all these plans to save the marriage. What difference does it make then for the BS to go out on a date if you are separated? I think its a good idea to do that.....for both parties to see what its like to be without their spouse. Noone said they are gonna have sex. A date can be theraputic to saving the marriage sometimes. I say go for it Lyxa! Some people in this forum just dont have common sense.

When does a marriage stop being a marriage?

What difference does it make then for the BS to go out on a date if you are separated?
The wayward spouse at some point felt the marriage was over so what is wrong with them having an affair?

I'm not sayin he should "hang in there" for the marriage and wait for his wife. But he should respect the marriage boundaries.

A date can be theraputic to saving the marriage sometimes.
True. When it is with your spouse. But married people should not date other people.

Some people in this forum just dont have common sense.
Agreed!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lyxa:
<strong>Hmmm... my original intent in this was to share with the forum a "life after dv" experience. Let me know when MB has a "Single Again at Last" forum.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lyxa - that's just it. You AREN'T divorced yet, so life after divorce hasn't begun for you yet. And you are not "SINGLE AGAIN AT LAST", so don't get testy and angry and throw a tantrum when people remind you of that very fact.

Let us know when the divorce is final, and you will get different feedback.

Sorry I disagree....If the WW is on her own for a year and has been going out. The marriage boundaries you are talking about Chris have long been disrepected. You are divorced....regardless of paperwork. That is my humble opinion.

<small>[ May 07, 2003, 10:21 AM: Message edited by: ITSOVER ]</small>

Let us know when the divorce is final, and you will get different feedback.
Absolutely!

If the WW is on her own for a year and has been going out.
So it's a time frame we are talking about?

How about the spouse who feels they have done everything possible for years and ends up having an affair? The other spouse just sat around, didn'thelp out with housework (or whatever) and never took the other out anywhere.

Why is it an affair and not a date and why is it wrong?

The marriage boundaries you are talking about Chris have long been disrepected.
So if one disrespects them, it os okay for the other? Two wrongs do make a right?

My point is if you are going to get married, then stay married until you are not. Don't use it simply when it is only convenient for you.

<small>[ May 07, 2003, 10:36 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
<strong>[b]

My point is if you are going to get married, then stay married until you are not. Don't use it simply when it is only convenient for you.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So if one spouse up and leaves and refuses to divorce. The other spouse can never date again? You are just supposed to wait...and wait and wait till the end of your life since you are still married....technically only <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Itsover - the whole thing about WS is that they break promises. Does that mean "One bad turn deserves another"?

No. Lyxa made covenants with his wife. Those covenants involved God as part of the arrangement. So his wife breaks the covenant. Both God and Lyxa are violated. So, does Lyxa join in and break the covenant too? Does he forget his vows?

Marriage isn't just a two way commitment, or it wouldn't take place in a church. I don't think Lyxa married in Vegas or at the Justice of the Peace office.

So if one spouse up and leaves and refuses to divorce. The other spouse can never date again? You are just supposed to wait...and wait and wait till the end of your life since you are still married....technically only
No. You are supposed to wait until YOU decide to divorce, then AFTER the divorce you can date.

I don't think there are any states where a divorce is impossible in the above circumstance.

Interesting topic, to say the least.

CA, you said: The wayward spouse at some point felt the marriage was over so what is wrong with them having an affair?

I assume you are saying that the WS's affair is no different than the BS going out on a date once separated.

I'd like to rebut this. In many cases, the BS did NOT break the marriage covenant with an A. I hardly think going and playing miniature golf with a female qualifies Lyxa as the same as what his WS did. Sure, if he and WS were living together as man and wife, and he ran off and starting spending time with another female, exclusively, then that could be conceived as an affair. However, a BS going out on a "friend" date with a member of the opposite sex AFTER separation and paperwork being filed, when the WS continually tells them there is no chance of reconciliation, is NOT the same as a WS who, while living with the BS as husband and wife, lies and hides their relationship with a member of the opposite sex. To me there is a world of difference. In many cases, or at least in mine, the BS would NEVER have broken the marriage covenant by having an A. We have no control over what they do, but we are living with them and loving them as if they were loving us back. Once confronted with the A, then we are devastated, and we mourn, and in many cases try to reconcile. If the WS has no desire to reconcile, and the 2 are no longer living as man and wife (in my case, I moved closer to my family because I couldn't stay in the house where the A took place-on many occasions) then I see no problem with the BS finding companionship, not sex, but companionship with a member of the opposite sex.

JMHO.

Sorry for the duplicate post. I'm deleting this one.

<small>[ May 07, 2003, 11:34 AM: Message edited by: kimmy2 ]</small>