I am numb after 14 years of marriage to a relatively wonderful man. He was raised strictly, and effectively punised by the use of silent treatments. He has perfected this when he is angry, disappointed, or upset with me. After reading HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS he now realizes how important conversation is to me, and is ready to move into action. He has never seemed concerned about the state of our marriage ("didn't realize it was so serious") until I left him a letter asking for divorce and discussing property split. Now he is jumping into action, and is determined to fix it all. NUMB? I cannot emotionally move to a place of love/trust/intimacy with him. I have learned to cope for this 14 years of silent treatment, it is no longer effective for me. He won't talk with me, I'll find someone who will. We have not been intimate for over a year, I discuss only business with him. We went through counseling at our 3-year mark -- I was suppose to tell him two simple things I wanted on a daily basis that would help me feel loved. My requests were 1) a 5-second kiss at least once a day; 2) that he not read the newspaper at dinner. The kiss lasted 4 days. After 2 weeks of the newspaper building up, I asked if I should put them out for the trash. His response: "Sure,I don't have any time to read the ****ing newspaper anymore" I was devastated, and at that time decided that he would never hear another emotional/personal request from me again in my life. It is my fault that I closed down so much. I take full responsibility for this.<P>I have endured weeks of silent treatment (sometimes 2 - 3 days, sometimes 2 weeks at a time) -- and usually broke down in tears apologizing for something I often times couldn't remember that I did. We had sex regularly every Sat/Sun a.m. -- no talking, no kissing, just sex. I never asked him for anything that fulfilled me in that department. I am a very sexual, fun, adventurous lover. He has missed the best parts of me (passion, excitement, personality).<P>Yes, I have had 'conversation' affairs, emotional affairs, and I have now had emotional/sexual affairs. I love people, I admire men. He is a good, honest, loving man. But I cannot find a way to trust that he can "fix" it all. He tells me I will not forgive him, the past does not equal the future, and that I am holding on to all the pain of the past that he can do nothing about. He just wants me to love him again, and trust that he HAS CHANGED. I can't.<P>I see Dr. Harley addresses many other problems...the Silent Treatment Punishment is devastating to me. I'm ready to move on. Anyone else been through this? How do you decide to invest one more year in a (emotionally) bankrupt stock? How can you not be affected by the 14 years of dealing with this and trust it won't be that way? We are a sum total of our experiences. I can't be honest with him what my needs are in any way. Any time I ever tried to tell him how I felt, or the anger that was building, his response was to invalidate my feelings. I'm 47, look and feel 35, and my greatest fear is being 50 and stuck in a marriage just like my Mother/Dads (50 years!) where I am alone and lonely, and have no options to interact with people without guilt. He continues to tell me "I love you with all my heart and soul".<P>My second greatest fear is of hurting him and tearing his life apart. We live in a small town, he is very well respected in the community, and I'll leave to start over somewhere else. I just hate hurting him this way.<BR> <BR> <P>------------------<BR>

For god's sake, have sex with him again! Now - tonight if not today! If he won't, then give each other a full body massage! Sexual fulfillment is a man's top emotional need, and if you don't fill it, many simply don't believe you are willing to work on the relationship - because you're not fulfilling their top emotional need! That makes sense, doesn't it?<P>"We had sex regularly every Sat/Sun a.m. -- no talking, no kissing, just sex. I never asked him for anything that fulfilled me in that department. I am a very sexual, fun, adventurous lover. He has missed the best parts of me (passion, excitement, personality)."<P>So TELL him what you want! So BE that passionate person! Put on the nightgown and heels - go for it! Put his hand where you want it - insist on kissing him, etc. before the main event! So he doesn't talk - then you get on top, stop in the middle of the act and say something sweet! You think he won't respond? Afterward, when you're lying close, tell him how much you missed doing that... Take more responsibility for the type of sex life you want! <P>Re-establish this intimacy first. You need it too! Afterwards, tell him how much you want to make your marriage work, how much you want to make him happy! Then print out those emotional needs questionnaires and fill them out together - discuss them - get working! Be honest with him!<P>What were your husband's top two requests for change from you when you were in counseling? I'll bet I can guess one!<P>He's not validating your feelings because he's shut down because you're rejecting him sexually. You probably think you're rejecting him sexually because he shut down. Oh, well, so be the bigger person - one more time! It's not just "getting off" for him - to men, that is the way they are able to open up emotionally, for them to feel accepted and wanted... Trust me, even if you are forcing yourself the first time - it will improve things!<P>While I'm sure I'll get slammed by the men on these forums for saying this, I have found that most men are fairly simple - if you treat them well, and you ask them for what you want clearly, simply and pleasantly, you'll get it.<P>I've also noticed that men shut down into silent treatment when they are overwhelmed in an argument by too many words or too much intensity (raised voice, tears) from the woman. If not attacked, there's no reason to withdraw, right? So keep it calm - smile - request, don’t demand - don’t let your frustration get the better of you!<P>Here's a little trick I learned - the next time you have something tough to discuss, promise each other that you will talk while sitting next to each other on the couch and will hold hands throughout the whole talk - I'm not sure why, but it's virtually impossible to be mean or yell at someone you're holding hands with! (Maybe because affectionate hostility is impossible?)<P>Good Luck! <BR>gobyfish

Get "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. It will answer a lot of questions for you about what's going on. It turns out that the "silent treatment" is a form of abuse. I think after you read it you'll discover other ways in which you're abused. You may be depressed at first, but you'll learn what you can do.