My Girlfriend and I met on the Internet 5 years ago. As many Internet relationships go, we started infatuated with each other. She was leaving her failed marriage and so was I. Things were great for a while, then I decided I needed my "space"...I felt pressure into getting married too soon and moved out. We eventually got back together but I repeated this process of needing my "space" two other times. In between leaving her, she had found out that I'd been emailing other women talking about sex and was having phonesex with them. She'd confronted me several times and I always lied. We continued seeing each other even though we lived apart until a few months ago, when she said simply that she did not want a relationship anymore. I am devastated because I thought I was finally getting honest with myself; I truly have no need for porn, am getting involved in Church, and generally learning about myself and growing as a person. ...I was going to propose to her just before this happened. <P>In addition, we both have children from our previous marriages, her two boys, and my two girls (who live with my ex-wife). Our children all got along fine. I believe, it was a mistake though, to move in with my GF because it portrayed the wrong thing to our kids. There were many other things of course that lead up to this split, I'm just mentioning the ones that I had control over. In a recent letter to me she said that she wanted to be left alone, and may very well never forgive me...said she cannot forget the lies and detests a liar...and as far as my Internet infidelity, she says that it forever changed how she feels about me and may never feel the same again. Said she could make no promises to give me false hopes, and simply wanted to get on with her life and wished me the best. She also mentioned that she’s not trying to get back at me or hurt me like I hurt her. She knows I love her but said at this point in her life, she doesn’t want any relationship. <P>Having said all that I know that my recent small changes do nothing to erase the pain and hurt I’ve caused her. I have done nothing for any length of time to suggest that I have changed. I betrayed her, been disloyal, and killed all the intimate feeling she once had for me. <BR>I know, in my heart my changes must be for me and not simply to get her back. I still love her deeply. We work at the same place and occasionally see each other and are cordial. I call her every now and then simply to say hi and find out how she is doing. It’s difficult not to call her every night like I once did. It’s difficult to simply forget her. I have been in this “self-pity” mode for a while and I know it’s not healthy. I stay in my apartment, cry, read, cry...all my friends are her close friends and she knew them first so they are bascially supporting her. I'm very alone and lonely. I want desperately to let her know how truly sorry I am and will change and work hard to build the relationship up…I recently sent her a letter, telling her this and it was probably the worst mistake I could make. The letter infuriated her. Am I fooling myself just to get her back? I know I'm dedicated to making this work but as I've said, it is probably too much too little too late. I'd appreciate advice and comments.<BR>

blass,<P>I'm probably going to say some things that you don't like. But what the heck, you should hear them. <P>It sounds as though it is truly over. Speaking from the viewpoint of a woman, I can tell you that it is very easy to leave a boyfriend who has cheated, whereas, it's not so easy to leave a husband. Additionally, she has children to think about and protect. She will be very picky as to whom she gives her heart to, for their sake. Simply put, I think that she's cut her losses while she could.<P>It's wonderful, however, that you are changing for YOURSELF, and not just for her. True change comes from the inside; anything else is false, a sham, a mask of who you want the world to see. Inner change takes a lot of strength and courage. Letting go of those old, unhealthy habits can be difficult, but you will feel so much better afterward! I went through a process similar to this during H's EMR. And it made me a better, stronger person - not for him only. It was *me* that I wanted to change! And change I did.<P>You mention that you and your GF were still married when you met. blass, I'm gonna be honest with you: those kinds of relationships are the most difficult to sustain. If your GF saw you cheating on your W and subsequently cheating with Internet partners (on her), that was probably her cue to walk away. A man who will cheat on his W/SO/GF and who leaves her for another is not a good bet for the long haul. What you did probably hammered the reality of the situation home.<P>Please take care, and don't stop working on yourself, okay? The right woman will come along - but you have to be prepared to give her only the best.<P>blessings,<P>bellandy

You are right belldandy, what you've said was not what I wanted to hear, but of course I know it's true. That's the state I'm currently in; between fantasy and reality...wishing things would get better instead of facing the fact that any human being, man or woman would not want to put up with what I've put her through. I say she is the love of my life, but I ask myself honestly, if I cherished and loved her that much, I wouldn't be writing this letter on this webpage right now. I need to snap out of this I know. I saw her today at work and she was very nice, smiled and said hello...we each went about our buisness but of course my heart sank. All I can think about is the fact that some man, who has his act together and knows how to truly love someone unconditionally will be thanking me for being such a screwup and making it easy for him to meet someone like her. She's told me, her priorities are certainly not seeking any relationship with any man at this point...but it will come, she deserves it. I also wanted to comment on what you mentioned about us cheating while we were both still married. Both divorces were in full swing when we met...but still, I understand your point; we were still married and had no business getting into any relationship. Thanks for the insight. I know I'm not a bad guy...if I'm true to what I say about changing, I know in my heart and learn from this pain, I'll make a wonderful lifelong partner to someone some day. Definately not rushing into anything but going to work on me. <BR>Thanks again.