Hi peeps,

Some of you may remember me - some not.

Well, brief history: Felt lonely, deprived, unappreciated, and put-upon in my marriage. Felt angry that husband never agreed to do anything I wanted and was always angry at me the few time I vetoed something he wanted. If he even discussed it at all. Usually he only discussed something if he needed me to fund him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

For the 8 years of our marriage he refused to have joint accounts, let bills go unpaid until he had to declare bankruptcy, and ridiculed the children and me when we had problems.

Then came the ultimatum stage and we started marriage counseling. Each session I came out bruised and battered, crying, and he would be smug. He remembers now only that I would tell the counselor that I didn't love him any more and that he felt like a dog that had been swatted with a newspaper.

Things got worse, I withdrew. Within a month of stopping our sexual life, he was answering women seeking men ads and trying to find "companionship".

Recently he tells me that our marriage is purly one of convenience, that we are only there because it would be a financial disaster to separate and we stay for the kids.

I found out he hadn't paid the mortgage in three months - and I had been paying him for this. He tells me he is refinancing and the money is in "escrow". He still will not put my name on the deed.

This is the last straw folks. I filed for divorce. (or at least hired a lawyer should file any day now)

"Snooping" to get financial info for the lawyer I find emails from a woman he is having a physical relationship with.

Now I would like everyone here to join me in my pity party and tell me "poor baby". I need to feel better. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Your husband sounds like an @sshole. What kind of person tells their spouse "it was for convenience"???

I will join you for your pity party. We all deserve those some days. But tomorrow get up and decide what your going to do about it and regain some control of your life. Find out what attracted you to him so you can change that about you. A lot of divorces end and you end up marrying the same person with a different name.

Cry, whine and greive but rest assured tomorrow is a brand new day and your just not going to take this anymore. This could be a turning point in your life and the best is yet to come!

HQ99,

Sorry to see things haven't gotten better. It has been almost a year since I have been on the board and I have gotten divorced since then. I have grown and learned alot through this web site and feel better about myself. I recall that you were on the website back then as well.

I can tell you are angry and frustrated. It seems that finances and fidelity are a big issues here. If you do decide to file a divorce, make sure you have done your home work. If possible hire a PI to investigate your husband, especially if he is having an affair. Also have him look into his financial situation, credit report, etc. Open a separate checking account in your name only and close out any joint accounts. This way he can't burden you any more. This may seem cold but even the most rational can become irrational during the divorce process.

When I went through my divorce, I learned that one person can not close joint charge accounts. FYI

No, you can't close them. But you can say the cards... or whatever access... is lost and ask the bank/institution to put a fraud/theft freeze on the account until YOU tell them otherwise.

You can also wipe out the accounts of money and put the cash into an escrow account with your lawyer, which is what I had to do. Your lawyer will hate the idea, but at least it protects the assets that you do have from being raided by the other party. If you do this, make sure you don't go shopping first as you'll be accountible for every penny. This applies to credit cards too. Most credit cards will let you make cash withdrawals. Max them to their credit limit and put that cash away. You'll have to make the monthly payment on the card, but at least it prevents your stbx from going on a charging spree.

H99 -

Well, I'm basically in the same boat as you, only a little further along. Filed the Thursday before Easter. Don't worry about feeling bad, it's natural. Despite all the problems, your husband has been a big part of your life for a while.

What helped me was knowing I had done everything I could, knew it was the right decision, and that depsite the pain it was a positive action. Of course it also helped that my STBXW only worsened the abusive behaviors that led to my decision to begin with.

It doesn't sound like you made an impulsive decision. If you can honestly say you did everything you could, and that you are convinced your husband could not or would not change the behaviors which you cannot accept, you don't have to look back and wonder, IMO.

The sorrow and pain is normal; I think the hardest part to deal with would be indecision. That's why I wanted to be 100% sure before I acted. It sounds like you did too. Hang in there, it will get better. See an IC or inquire about meds if you feel the need. Take care of yourself.