I found out accidentally last week that my XW is dating. I was wondering what the etiquette is for letting the former spouse know about the new person in the children's life (if there is any). I've talked to a couple of friends about it and they are pretty much in agreement that it's none of my business. They also agree that when I begin to date, I'm under no obligation to tell her anything about it either.

I'm actually quite pleased by this turn of events. I couldn't figure out why she had been leaving my alone, now it all makes sense. The only thing that concerns me is the kids reactions (they are 4 and 2).

Any and all opinions welcome.

My ex and I have a deal so to speak. Although she has yet to live up to anything she has said, I believe that she has lived up to this one so far. We made a deal that no introductions to other people until we are pretty sure that they are going to be a part of the picture for some time.

It is not that I worry about her dating.I know she is dating, she had a lover when she left, or almost immediately afterwards. Heck, she left me for her old flame, although she tries to deny it even still.

However, I hope that in this one thing she can look out for the benefits of our children over her own selfishness. I am not convinced she will be able to, however she has not proven me right so far. We also said that we would tell the other BEFORE we introduced them to the kids, so that we could be there for support should there be problems. Frankly I don't care who she dates or sleeps with any longer. She took care of that with the 4th. However, I do care about her bringing men into my boy's lives. I hope that she is smart enough to know that she can only hurt them by being stupid. She has certainly had enough practice at it thus far.

I on the other hand don't want to know about her love life, nor is mine any business of her's. I do not tell her what I am doing, and I try not to find out anything about what she is doing. That is how I would like it to stay.

So I think that perhaps a similar 'deal' might help you in this regard. Just be prepared for her introducing someone to your children. Ask her for the respect to know before she does it, not to control the situation, but to be prepared to answer questions and not be caught 'off guard' by Jr. saying, "I don't like Mr. X, he kisses mommy." If this is how you find out, you might not be as helpful to your children as you would like to be.

<small>[ May 07, 2003, 12:19 AM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

I was wondering what the etiquette is for letting the former spouse know about the new person in the children's life (if there is any).
First off, just because you are starting to see someone does not mean the children need to know anything apart from you are seeing someone.

Most child counselors recommend you wait at least 6 months of dating before you introduce your children to anyone you are seeing, especially after a divorce. They lost the parents and if a breakup occurs with this new person (very likely) then it is someone else they will lose.

As far as telling the ex, wouldn't you want to know if she dating someone and having the kids around them?

I wish my STBXH would see these posts about not having the children around the girlfriend. Girlfriend is the OW. Even when WH was going back and forth in and out of my home, he had son around OW. Now, not only does he want our 3 YO spending weekends at the OW's house with him - he wants to take our 4 mo. old infant too! Granted, the infant will not understand nuances of marriage, etc. but what about my feelings! I wish WH were half a man and able to spend a day or night alone with himself and the children without a woman to prop him up. Guess I'll keep wishing...

Thanks for the replies...

Formerly, The deal you have sounds pretty good. The only trouble I would have is that typically there is one set of rules for me and another for her. Makes things like this hard to enforce if she flat refuses to tell me anything.

Chris, I guess I wasn't clear. She is the one with a boyfriend. I don't know if there has been any interaction between him and the kids, but he was there a couple of weekends ago when I dropped them off. The kids went straight to bed and he was hiding out in her room, so I don't know if they even saw him. For my part, I haven't been on a date since I was dating her. The divorce has been final for over a year and a half, no one can accuse me of rushing into anything, lol.

dueinjan, I have a friend who's W left him many years ago. After the divorce he started dating, and no matter how careful he was, it always seemed the kids got hurt when the relationship ended. Especially if the woman had kids of her own around their age. They could never figure out why their friends stopped coming over. He eventually quit dating all together, it was years between dates for him.

Hey IG,

This 'deal' that I have is absolutely NOT enforcable. However it is the only thing that could possibly help the situation. I have no faith that it will happen, however, it is better than having nothing at all.

It is only an agreement... much less than marriage vows I might add, but hey, I am doing everything I can to protect my boys. So I have to do this. she seems agreeable, I think it would too obviously tarnish her image.

Chris, I guess I wasn't clear. She is the one with a boyfriend.
I got it. I thought that you were asking if you were to get a gf in the future. You already know about her dating so why should she tell you?

Remember that just beuse she is horse hockey, doesn't mean you need to be the same. Do into others...
Doesn't mean she will treat you properly back, but if she's a sheet about it while your nice, how would she be if your a big meanie! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

After the divorce he started dating, and no matter how careful he was, it always seemed the kids got hurt when the relationship ended.
See my previous reply.