I came to this site over three years ago to try and save my marriage. It provided me alot of inspiration and good advice. Although I could not save my marriage I did learn much about myself and relationships. Thanks to everyone who helped me back then.

I divorced a year ago and at the time I thought it was a "bad" divorce but looking back it could have been alot worse. Life is definately a matter of perspective. My XW and I live approximately 150 miles apart and have joint custody of our two girls, 8 and 10. I get them every other weekend and summers. I call them everyday and try to stay involved in their lives like going to school plays. When possible, I work with them on their weekend social schedules such as bithday parties by going to visit them and getting a hotel room. I also let them bring friends when they visit me.

The problem I am having is that my youngest daughter has started to say she doesn't want to come visit and tells me she doesn't like me. She seems very angry at me but she won't talk to me about it. The only thing she tells me is that I am mean, sometimes jokingly but mostly not. Does anyone have experience with this or have any insight/suggestions? Or any ways I could get her to talk about the issues. I have talked to her teacher and there are no performance problems but she has noticed she is no longer excited about coming to visit me. I have tried to talk to my XW but I do not have alot of trust here. She has said that my daughter tells her I don't buy her things and I am mean to her.

Just some background. I know my XW and I have very different views on child raising. She is lenient, buys them most what they ask for and is inconsistent on the disciple. She is also fun to be with, jokes alot and is very affection. I am very affectionate but more serious and disiplined. I do alot like playing kick ball, taking them to the zoo, park, etc, playing video games with them etc. I don't buy them alot and I expect them to pick up after themselves, help with chores and be respectful, like not yellig, hitting or talking back. I am consisent (usually calm)with the discipline.

Also both my XW and I have started dating in the last 6 months. I have been with the same woman for the 9 months.

I don't have any answers, but I wanted you to know that someone cares.

Did the anger start after you started dating? Could it be a little jeolousy?

Kids go through all kinds of phases, and hopefully this will pass. I don't think buying her is the answer, but just try to make sure her visits are fun.

Good luck, and NEVER GIVE UP with her.

I guess I'm kindof a 'drive-by' poster, since I haven't been through a divorce. I have raised a couple of children, though, and I got the "You're mean!" response from them around that age, too. I just agreed with them. Told them I took Mean Lessons. Got an A+. Eventually they got tired of it.

Consistent discipline is important. When my son went to college, the kids who hated their parents were the ones with lax discipline growing up. Several of them were in awe that he actually enjoyed parental visits.

They grow up, and they know who cares about them.

Anger is addressed in many of the books on divorce.
I have my children enrolled in Rainbows which is a "peer support group for children of death and divorce". It gives the children an outlet for their feelings and lets them know they are not the only ones in this situation.
www.rainbows.org
I hope there is one in your area.

dlw1965 - I don't have much advice but I do have two girls and they go with my exhusband on Fridays only - and that is a hassle to them... They want to stay home, they want to play with the kids in the neighborhood and alot of times I basically think they don't want to leave me alone... I usually get the crap about them having to go - they don't voice their opinion to him - but I tell them they are going... I don't know your situation but I know in my case my girls are mad at their Dad for changing their way of life...My kids think that their Dad is the one that left so to bad.. I always tell them that he is their Dad and they should want to see him... It breaks my heart that he thinks seeing them once a week is enough...but that is not up to me... Maybe your daughter is just upset that you two are not together and that you are both moving on with your lives - is she in counseling??? Or maybe she sees her mom upset that you are moving on???

Thanks for the great input. It is somewhat comforting to know that I am not alone with this problem. I have asked the school counselor to talk with her. I am waiting for her to call back. I have talked to my XW about external counselling and she is luke warm on the idea. Not that I need her approval, but I do think it would be a good idea to find a counselor in their area. I am concerned that if I took her to a counselor here, it would just be one more reason for her not to want to visit.

I am not divorced, so I don't know if it is related to the divorc/dating issue,

I know I have an 9 year old, who told me yesterday "I hate you mom, and I changed my mind on telling you I love you for your mothers day gift I made at school". Not the first time I've heard the "I hate you" from any one of my kids.

I know I said it to my parents, I don't restrict them expressing themselves. I take it with a grain of salt.

My kids are also very involved with wanting to be with their friends right now. They used to go to grandmas almost every weekend, not the older two, would rather play with their friends.

My children are all grown now, but, they did go through some of the same things you're describing.They never would have told their dad that he was "mean"...but, they did reach a point where they did not want to visit and he decided he wouldn't exercise visitation in his home unless THEY asked to visit...and they NEVER asked...not even once.

Like you, he was very flexible and would travel to visit them and stay in a hotel. He called them all the time, and I do mean ALL THE TIME. Finally, my youngest(she was 15 at the time) BEGGED me to make him stop calling her (I didn't).

Despite the fact that it was x's idea to leave, I built a good life and have not felt bitter towards him or his wife. My current husband and I encouraged the kids to have a close relationship with their dad and stepmom. We encouraged the kids to call and visit their dad. He was always excited to talk to them. The kids would have rather had a root canal, than talk to him as often as they did. And it had NOTHING to do with him.

Because, I had custodial custody of the children, they spent far more time with me and my DH. They got used to our rules, our expectations, our routines, etc. Frankly, and I know this is not a popular opinion, my children thrived in the atmosphere they were raised in, without their biological father in the picture on a regular basis. We are a very close family and the kids are HAPPY adults. In recent discussions, they shared something with me that may (or may not) make sense to you.

My kids said that they were glad they weren't required to visit with their dad. It didn't have anything to do with him or his choices. It didn't have anything to do with his infidelity. The reason they were happy with the way things turned out was because they weren't constantly reminded of the fact that they were children of divorce or, that they came from a "broken" home. They said they felt like "normal" kids, rather than kids whose parents were divorced.

As the kids got older and more of their friends'parents divorced, my children became HAPPIER to not be shuttled back and forth between different homes. The children whose parents lived near one another after the divorce, were the children who had the hardest time adjusting to the divorce. It was almost as though the wound started to heal and then the scab got ripped off and start bleeding all over again. I remember my children's friends crying over simple things they couldn't do without fear of hurting one parent or the other.

I'm having a hard time explaining this but, imagine for a minute, 2 young people who have started dating. Both come from divorced families. The young man "visits" dad on weekends that are the opposite of when the young woman "visits" hers. Essentially, they never get to spend ANY weekends together because they're "visiting" their non-custodial parent. In my children's cases, they were part of a large group of friends. The kids whose parents were still married, were available almost every weekend to do things together. My children were available to get together with the others pretty much whenever they asked. The kids whose parents were divorced, often missed the spontaneous events and were sad, disappointed, and even angry that they couldn't have the same freedom. It made them feel different, and they didn't like it.

I'm not sure, but, I'd wager my kids would have been equally happy to live with their dad and not be shuttled to my home on a schedule. The bottom line was they didn't want to be punished by the fact that their dad and I were no longer married. They wanted the same freedom as the other kids.
I always expected the kids to pull away from me, as a normal part of growing up, as many children do. I was OK with that. Their dad, on the otherhand, took it personally because they preferred to be "home" with my DH and me. He believed it was an editorial comment on him, and, I can assure you, it had NOTHING to do with him. He just didn't pop up on their radar on a regular basis. The only reason I popped up on their radar, was because I was the one they saw everyday and could take for granted (not in a bad way...just in a normal way). I remember my son saying to me one day, "I don't have to make time to talk to you every single Saturday at 9:00am. Why do I have to make schedule time to talk to dad every Saturday at 10:00am. I want to talk when I have something to say. I don't want to make stuff up to talk about each week, just because he's my dad and I don't live with him." In other words, my x was trying to keep the bond and develop intimacy, while my son was saying, "I don't want to talk on demand."

I don't know if this made any sense. My kids never caused my DH and me any trouble. They weren't difficult to raise at all. They were all strong, responsible, level headed kids and now they're strong, responsible, level headed adults. They just didn't want to visit and talk on demand.

Of course, not being able to go to activities because it is "visitation" weekend would not be a problem if the non-custodial parent lived in the same or even adjacent town. My H lives about 25 miles away, but would not even think about traveling back to allow a child to go to a soccer game or a social event - if there is a conflict such as that, he just doesn't see them that weekend. My kids used to beg their father to see more of them, but they gave up awhile ago. It would seem to me that one would want to live near one's kids.

BTM, thanks for the great post reminding us that it is "all about the kids". And we need to address their feelings and needs first & foremost.

BTM,

Thank you for the reply. I can see how the kids feel that they are not "normal" and in fact my girls have comments to their mom about this. You say that the kids did not want to visit him. Did he give up on the kids or did the kids give up on him? I understand your comments about the kids dealing with feeling like they were not "normal" and wanting a stable home life. What did you do or what would you have done differently to help them with these feelings so that they could stay connected with their father (provided he did not give up)? Did you ever take them to counselling?I agree that this is about the kids. It sounds like your kids father never was able to connect with the kids. Is this the case and why do you think that was the case? What do you think he could have done differently to help the kids? Did he do anything to make the kids feelings worse?