I'm having one of those gray, melancholy days today. My stbxH is a mess...he's bipolar II rapid-cycling, BPD, sexaholic...plus I think he might be a DEMOCRAT!! AAAAAA--OOOOOnoooooo!!! heehee. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Anyway, when someone (I forget who?) wrote about unpredictability being the only thing we can count on, it just spoke to me. In the past four days my stbxH has been: Mon--mad as hell, screaming and yelling and blaming me for his rage; Tues--so depressed I thought seriously of calling the police for a three-day hold; Wed--all lovey-mushy and appreciative of everything I've ever done in our marriage (very emotional and crying); Thur--back to raging and threatening to kick the kids and I out of the house!!!!!

It's so up-and-down that I feel SEASICK!! Most of those days I just try to ride it out and let him have the mood he has and try to stand by my boundaries...but honestly there are also days where I get sucked into it and then I just feeling like such a DORK that I didn't see it coming--my GOD, it's the same old pattern! I should recognize it by now!!

The truly funny, in a hysterical mental-patient kind of way, thing is that he absolutely DENIES that he has any kind of mood disorder!!! I made the mistake of saying to him that I understood he was bipolar and that things changed pretty quickly, and he just LAUNCHED on me: 'This is NOT bipolar!! Stop blaming my bipolar!!! I just really feel this way!!!" Well, I realize that he actually does feel that way, but the rapid and massive change of moods tends to indicate to me that this is more than "just feeling that way." According to him, *I* am the one who has serious mental problems!! haha. If that's not projection, I don't know what is, but it sure discourages me.

Honestly, some days I feel so tired of this rollercoaster ride--hanging on behind him for dear life while he zooms through his moods--that I wonder if maybe I'm not the one who's nuts! I have self-doubt because what sane person would hang on for the ride?? It seems like everytime I try to let go and just get on with my life, he hoovers me back in by being a little bit nice to me, and I completely fall for it!! What am I?? Where is my backbone?? I have evaluated and considered and thought about it for so long now...by my Actions I can see that I do have changes of my moods, but not THAT drastic. I think my moods change due to normal external events like hearing good news (happy) or hearing my son is skipping school (sad) or the monthly cycle. But my life is so NUTS that I'm not positive that's "normal"!! Frankly, I think if you hear that you're crazy often enough, you start to wonder if you are!

Blaaaahhhh...what a day. Sorry I'm not all perky and bubbly. I just hate feeling so unpredictable and not knowing WHAT stunt he's going to pull today. I want a break! I want to KNOW if I'll be living in my home or not, receiving child support or not, moving or not.... I want something firm and dependable under my feet and someONE steady and gentle!

CJ

P.S. I have come up with a couple of ideas that will help me disentangle even more and get on with my own life--as well as trying to recognize where I went wrong and what I can do better next time. I feel pretty comfortable with my efforts to recognize my part and where I need to change. The yucky part is that this is just so demoralizing that sometimes I wonder if we are going to have to move to another city or state or something to get away from this continued interaction!! Sigh.

I contemplated moving but my children were so young and needed to know their dad and he wanted to be in their lives. So, dream about it was all I did.

You know, you had me going with the title of this thread. I thought you might have gotten a blonde collie and named it Melon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Haha--Princess you are funny! You make me smile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I think moving out of state is definitely out of the question. I want them to have a relationship with their dad, and they love him--which I totally encourage. It's just that I feel like as long as there is that "kid-thread" he will always have this connection to me and keep rollercoastering me!!

Moving away is a pipe dream, but I figure if I'm going to dream, I'll dream big and move to Hawaii or California! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

BTW, I've been considering getting a collie--but not right now. Maybe for my birthday next year or to mark some wonderful achievement.!

CJ

Hi CJ,

I've been away for a while, stopped back on the board last week to see if you were still here. Your old email address doesn't work anymore, did you change jobs?

It sounds like a lot has happened in your life. Still think about you once in a while. Sure hope things get better.

Bumperii@yahoo.com is still good.

Holy Cow Batman!

Bupmerii showing up should definately help you with your "mellon collie"! Long time, no post! How is your life?

CJ, my mother was diagnosed in 1973. What made the difference over the last 30 years is she was loyal and I mean LOYAL about taking her medication, accepted the diagnosis and sees a professional on a regular basis. These days if she does forget her night meds (dementia), boy oh boy! ROLLERCOASTER!

It is heartbreaking to be treated "today I like you tomorrow I hate you". It is tough wondering "what person are you today".

You can always relocate one state over, we'd love to have you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Gayle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bumperii:
<strong>Hi CJ,

I've been away for a while, stopped back on the board last week to see if you were still here. Your old email address doesn't work anymore, did you change jobs?

It sounds like a lot has happened in your life. Still think about you once in a while. Sure hope things get better.

Bumperii@yahoo.com is still good.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well blow me over with a feather!! I can NOT believe it!! BUMPER!!! OMG, I just can not believe it!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Melon collie?? Who's melon collie?? A dear old friend whom I thought had fallen off the face of the earth is not only ON EARTH, but WROTE TO ME!!

OMG, I'm so excited I'm speechless. That never happens to me. I'm beaming!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Bumper, I think about you now and then too--wonder if you're okay...that kind of thing. Oh, I'm so glad you wrote, I'm giddy!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My emails are: cindy_cj_wolfe@hotmail.com and faithfulwifecj@yahoo.com. WRITE, anytime! I missed you, buddy!!

CJ

P.S. I'll take those email addresses out on Sunday, or if you write me at them, okay??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Ragamuffin:
<strong>Holy Cow Batman!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO KIDDING!! I think I need oxygen, or maybe I need to breathe into a paper bag...

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>You can always relocate one state over, we'd love to have you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gayle, I'm not sure I could handle living just one small state away from Jayhawk and LostHusband--too many hunky men to tempt me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> At least this way I have MOUNTAINS to contain me. heehee.

Oh boy, I'm so excited! I never thought I'd hear from Bumper again! Can you believe it? When they say miracles never cease, THEY MEAN IT!!! BTW, you're not chopped liver yourself you know. It's good to hear from YOU too!

Man, it's like an "olden days" reunion in here!

CJ