My son is graduating from high school next month. I am planning a party to celebrate his achievments. I am having it at our home.

A quick update on my situation, seperated 3/1/03 so this all new to everyone. H had an affair that resulted in an oc that he kept a secret for 3 years. I just found out so we are in a strict plan b only talk when it involves the kids.

I mentioned the party to his sister on the phone and she asked if h was going and I said no he is not invited. She said almost shocked, "H is not going to the party" and I said "no". She then said , "I will feel uncomfortable seeing your family" I in turn said well you did nothing wrong and you should call your brother and thank him for putting all of us in this situation.

What did she think H was going to show up as invited guest! If you all have had parties you know the work that goes into planning and getting everything ready. Between the yard, house and food I have already started doing the yard work and I am doing it mostly by myself. That isn't even the point.

So now I don't know what to do, should I do something separate? As I say that I know that this is not an option. I wish she kept her thoughts to herself! I know she wasn't being mean but what am I suppose to do! I can't make everyone happy. It's not like she is coming alone there is 33 of them. But I can see it now it will be like a jr. high dance h family on one side and my family on the other. My mom and sister will be very nice and try to combine the group but......

I realize that divorce is just hard on everyone. But everyone said to me you did nothing wrong so don't be ashamed. But I feel like I want to scream. I think I am just going to send the invites and let the chips fall where they fall.

Don't they realize how hard this is on us. I have to go to the graduation without h and plan a party without h when we should be a family. I hate him for all of this mess. I would love your thoughts.

Lj

lj1122,
I'm so sorry you are here. This is all still very fresh and new for you and very painful. IMHO, I think you should invite your H and his family. I think you are stronger than you think. I invited my X to my sons BDay party and he chose not to go. But I think my pain and anger at him has nothing to do with him being a part of his kids lives. Of course, I have been down this road a lot longer than you so I don't know maybe you just can't handle that right now. I also think you shouldn't put his family in a position to choose by blaming your H to them. Yes he is to blame and yes he is an A$$ and its not fair and it sucks. But that is life sometimes. I only want you to explore another option than your brain is telling you to go. If you simply can't go there than don't. You know you better than I do. You know what you can handle and what you can't handle. Trust yourself. I trust you.

This isn't going to be a response you want to hear, but the answer to your delimma may be in your post. The party is about celebrating the achievments of your son. Would you consider trying to focus on that?

Sure you are angry and hurt, but do you really want to allow the occasion of your son's graduation party to focus on your anger and hurt?

"I in turn said well you did nothing wrong and you should call your brother and thank him for putting all of us in this situation." Whoa!!! Is that really what you want to say to your sister in law? Is there any chance that this remark will be interpreted as you trying to turn her against her brother?

Think about this for a moment. You son is the one who has achieved graduation, an Major, Major, Huge mile stone in his life. He is entitled to both parents. Despite their flaws and imperfections, they are all he's got. And he is entitled to all of his aunts and uncles. He might want them to be there to celebrate this rite of passage with him.

We all put quite a bit into getting our kids through twelve years of school, time, teaching, talent and treasure. It can get very easy to lose sight of the fact that the graduation ceremony and party is about the graduate, it is not about us.

Is your son in a position where he feels that he has to omit his father from the invitation list out of loyalty to you? Is he getting a graduation party on the condition that his father not be invited? Has his father even been invited to participate in the planning and financing of this affair? Sounds like you have a couple thousand or more spent already.

Nobody said this is going to be easy. But there is a time when we have to suck it up. Maybe put all the pride, anger and hurt aside for this one day. And just celebrate, celebrate, celebrate the achievments of our kids. And for that one day, his day, remain cordial to everyone. You are not doing this for your ex, you are doing it for your son.

The preceding view isn't the "right" way to do this, it is merely posted as an option if you want to consider it.

Congratulations to both you and your son on Graduation Day.

I agree that this day is about your son. I would do everything you can to make it a great day for him. But you also cannot pretend that everything is fine and dandy, and that you are all one big happy family. I personally would not be able to do that. I would pray about it and see if there is a solution - maybe he and his family could take son out to dinner after the party or to lunch before the party or something.

My ex left when I was 8 months pregnant with our third child. I knew I didn't want him in the delivery room with me. (Are you kidding me? He was living with OW - he chose to abandon us! I'd rather be electrically shocked them have him there pretending to care about my well being.) But he was also the father, so I called him minutes after my son was born so he could come visit him. I know the uncomfortableness all this brings, and everyone definitely has opinions. Do what you need to do to protect yourself, but to also put your children first! I'm so sorry you are having to go through all this.

I couldn't invite him. It's just too much. What if he wants to bring the OW and the OC? He's done this to himself. I could not be big enough to rise above it all and invite him.

Some years ago, before all the "free love" stuff and "Do your own thing" there was such a thing as shame. Are your ex's family immune from shame? Is your ex?

Just curious: What does your son think? Have you asked him his feelings? Does he want Dad there?

And along that line: If he wants Dad there, but sees that Dad isn't there to celebrate because he had an affair and betrayed his vows, might it sink in when HE is a husband and father that extra marital affairs do have consequences?

The other posters before me represent maturity, compassion, altruism. I wish I were so good. But I'm not. Being cheated on is a killer.

Please post, let us know what you decided.

Darn double post! Sorry!

<small>[ May 09, 2003, 10:38 AM: Message edited by: WhoamInow ]</small>

I love this site, I like having opinions that differ from mine because I sometime can't see clearly.

Every thing that was said I totaly agree. H and I haven't seen each other since separation and I will be very nervous to have to deal with him on that day. Honestly he has not seen my family and only a few of his family members since all this came out. I have a feeling he wouldn't come any way because he has avoided any uncomfortable situation so far.

So I think I will ask son what he wants because you guys are right he does deserve to have his dad there but the oc is not to come to our home. Ow is no longer in his life (he says) but that should be a none issue because that would not be the place to introduce her to the family.

Making that statement to his sister was something that just came out but I have to learn to control what I say. He is their family and I have no right to turn them against him, he can do that himself.

This is just so..... hard!! I hate dealing with all of this. When my older son graduated we had such a wonderful party and I do want the same for my younger son. But to have him just show up like a guest will just be weird. Does he do the cooking? Help clean up? He will be very uncomfortable himself going to his home and being a guest. UGH!!

Thank you for the responses, I hope some day I can be where you guys are in recovery.

LJ

You are a wonderful Mom, and a truly beautiful woman. It really comes through in your writing.

Happy Mother's Day.

Bumperii,

Thanks for putting a smile on my face!

I talked to older son in college for his opinion and he said that I should ask younger son what he wants and he will ask H (his dad) what he wants to do but thought what I did and said he probably won't come.

He felt it would be uncomfortable for everyone but he said if H wanted to go and son wants him there he should be able to go. So that is how I will deal with it. He also said that his family has no reason to be uncomfortable and wasn't happy that his aunt said that.

Divorce- UGH!!!

Also to all mothers out there

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!

lj,
I was happy to see you post again.

Sorry, didnt get to finish that... was wondering if you were OK, now I see you have been really busy. My son doesnt graduate for another 2 years, hopefully by then I will have much more peace in my situation. I do however need to attend a graduation at the end of the month and my h should also be there and I know it will be uncomfortable. But the thing is, I care more about the person graduating than I do about my situation. So if I have to go home afterwards and cry, that is OK, I will be showing my friend that I care first. Glad to see you have something to keep you occupied for a little while, time really does fly by when you are busy.
Love and hugs