My boyfriend and I have been living together for 10 years. We relocated to a small town near part of his family 8 years ago for a fresh new start at building our lives together. His life has pretty much become mine. We started having problems on and off throughout the last 3 years. I think the amount of stress in our lives has been just crazy. We started a new business 3 years ago, which is now failing because he can no longer contribute to it like it needs, he went back to heavy construction work for the season, 12 of my friends and family members died all within 7 months last year, I also learned I have hypothyroidism, and my son was recently diagnosed with ADHD. Our bills are stacking up. I am a hotel manager so I'm on call 24/7. His son live 160miles away and we travel there every other weekend, the drive can take alot out of us. I have always wanted to get married. This has been eating away at me for many years. I also want to relocate back to our hometown because I miss my family and my favorite part of his dearly. I also miss the country.
My bf tends to stop at the bar a few times during the week after work, he doesn't get home until 9 0r 10 at night. I get upset with this because I don't understand why he goes there.
I must say lately I do give him a hard time on the phone 50% of the time. All this week I had a terrible ache in my gut. I knew something was wrong but I thought maybe it was just PMS or something and I didn't want to get all emotional about it. I hardly spoke with him all week but was able to spend what I thought was an intimate evening with him Wed. Thurs night he didn't come home until 10pm. I said "ok, what is up? Are you trying to avoid me?" He said he didn't want to talk about it. I insisted because I couldn't bear this aching feeling any longer.
He told me our relationship is over. Talk about a blow to the gut! I had no clue, it was this bad. I knew we were going through some tough times but I was determined to work through them.
I told him we're on this earth for 80years to go through it unscathed is unrealistic, we will have up and down times, we can get through this.
He said his blood pressure is so high it goes through the roof when he hears me talk. He says he has to think of his health first. I would certanly agree but I can't understand how we can get to this level so fast? I knew his back had been hurting him and he has been stressed out but I didn't know he was so serious about leaving me.
I would do anything in the world right now to save this relationship. I don't want to split up our family. Oh God this hurts! I begged for one last chance which only seemed to make him more upset. He said he is being nice right now not just kicking me out and letting me stay. I am sitting here just dumbfounded at how he came to this point. I'm not some raving lunatic. I express affection all the time. I wake up happy, and with all the recent losses in my life I know the real meaning of life.
His brother told me it takes 2 to make a relationship work if he is not there, there is no way I can make it work and it's not my fault. Thats just the way it is. When I look at him I am in shock at how that bond we once shared is gone, totally gone from his eyes. It's almost like there is someone else but I know there isn't. (I hope)I will catch a glimpse of how much he cares for only a brief second and it's gone again.
He says it has alot to do with the way we communicate. I know we have problems but I eel we can learn, can't we? Why won't he accept counseling? Why won't he just try? What can I do to really reach him? We have a good life and have worked hard to have what we have. I said I wanted to make it work, I would do whatever it took. He packed his bags this morning on his way to work. I said "please, just take all the time you need to rethink this, and said he needed time and he will call be sometime this weekend. But he won't be back. He said he'll think about it but don't count on a reconcilliation.
Since we are not married I am about to lose my house. A house I have almost paid off. It is not in my name because his father sold it to us contract for deed. I was the one that wanted it, my bf didn't. I love my job here but I will probably lose my home and I have no family or real friends here. There is nothing for me other than his family. I am terrified. My 11yr old son comes home from school in 1 hour. He doesn't know. I am starting to get physically ill. I love him so much I don't want this to happen.
I called his mother and she said he is at the same age his father was when he left her and their 5 kids for another woman. (39)
She said he is probably going through his change of life and there is nothing I can do to bring him out of it. Please! If anyone knows what I can do to try and save our relationship. Anyone know how I can reach him without upsetting him and unintentionally making it worse. I don't want to lose my family! I will do whatever it takes to make this work!

C27,

Welcome to MB!

Skipping all the niceties... (I'm supposed to be working), I suggest you start reading.

It's not fair, but right now, you are going to have to do all the work - and your BF is probably not going to do anything. He doesn't even have to bother with a divorce - can just walk away. You have to accept that - that you can't expect him to do anything right now to save the relationship. Later, yes, but right now, it's all on you.

Click on "Concepts" at the top of the page and first read about "Love Busters". Read carefully. Think about it. This is the place to begin. Discipline yourself to avoid all LB's.

Then, read about Emotional Needs. Figure out what your BF's are and try to fill them as he allows. If you can't figure out what his is - just try to take care of the most common ones. It can't hurt. Pay a lot more attention to that material than to this forum - but come back here to let us know you you'r doing. This is, of course "Marriage Builders" and you have the disadvantage of not being married, but I think many of the concepts will apply.

Happy Reading,

-AD

Thank you for your reply. The material you suggested helped. I sure wish it could take away this pain. It's only been one day yet it feels like a week. The physical sickness is setting in, my throat is killing me, my lungs feel like I breathed in fiberglass insulation or something. My skin just burns. I can't eat I can't sleep. When I think of him my gut just feels hollow. I want to throw up. I want to just pick up the phone and call him so bad. Just to hear his voice, I guess I want to hear he misses me too, just a small sign of regret and that he might try to work things out. I know if I do it could be the final nail in the coffin. My son is taking this hard. His friends are all calling crying. This just kills me. I applied for a mortgage loan on-line. It's probably screwed up but it gives me something to look forward to if I get it. The problem is I need to relocate 160 miles. I'm going to call a marriage counselor on Monday. Hopefully I can get some help. I'm starting to feel I really need ot get out of here. It's all just reminders of what once was, pressing in on me. I have to work today, which is going to be hard. I am very happy there and I will have to give that up too. Oh geez..I hope I don't start bawling when I get there. Last night I was thinking about all my little neices and nephews I have to give up. This pain of loss I feel is so tremendous.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I called his mother and she said he is at the same age his father was when he left her and their 5 kids for another woman. (39)
She said he is probably going through his change of life and there is nothing I can do to bring him out of it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">the first sentence is probably accurate. The second sentence is probably not accurate.

I would get some IC right awa, and then use google to search on MLC mid life crises, and start reading there. MLC is a learned response in alot of people. In most situations, there is nothing you can do to change the person, he must go through the experience himself.

however, there are two possible responses that may change the outcome more favorably. First is to ask him to move out right away, to give him an immediate taste of what he thinks he wants. The shock of reality is not as green as that green grass he currently has may change his mind.

the other response is to just allow his behavior to continue with no response from you, other than a supportive response. You see, the odds of finding something better than 20 years ago is not as good as he thinks. HOwever, he has to figure that out for himself.

you are looking for answers, i understand that you want to know what to do. Just start with www.google.com and serach on mid life crises


wiftty

<small>[ May 10, 2003, 09:30 AM: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</small>

Hi Christine- sorry to hear about your situation. My H was near the same age a few years ago when his MLC hit hard and he not only had an affair but wanted to divorce me and said our marriage was hopeless and counseling wouldn't help. I was desperate- crying and begging him to work things out with me. I found out that is the WORST thing you could do right now! It will end up driving him further away from you than he is already. I recommend you get the book Divorce Remedy right away by Michele Weiner- Davis. She also has an online site called divorcebusting.com that has message boards with lots of MLC issues there. Her book has great strategies to help you deal with your BF's MLC in the best possible way. Can you get on anti-depressants to help you cope thru the next months? I got on effexor right away thru our family dr.- it helps both panic, anxiety and depression and helped me function enough to take care of my kids. Take care there is lots of great people on here to help you thru this. lifeismessy

Thank you so much for your kind words of support. My friends and family have all been so kind and caring. The phone calls with words of encouragement are keeping my head up. I took off yesterday and went up north to my best friends place. We went out for the ritual of a night out with the girls. I had so much fun. I got an entirely different look at myself, I got to see the real me. The one I haven't seen in years. I was laughing joking and had that spark back in my eye again. What I realized was I was living in an environment where it was slowly making me unhappy. I became a different person and lived through my bf and our children, ignoring my needs, or stuffing them down until I had a few drinks and everything came pouring out like a waterfall. I don't like everything I look back at when I look in the mirror. It was not me but a response to my environment. I really neglected my needs. I came up with a plan for me and my son. I thank the good lord my father agreed to cosign for a house so I can relocate back to my hometown. I told my bf that I don't agree that we can't work it out, I feel we can, but no matter what I do I can't make him love me. So I can't keep hanging on, I have to take care of me and my son and move on as quickly as I can. I realized I want to do this with as much grace and class as possible because that is the real me. I don't want anymore regrets when it comes to my behavior. I want to be proud of everything I do, because I really need to build my self esteem right now. My bf called today and he was not doing very well. He was crying and driving aimlessly around the cities. He came back to town and is now staying with his brother, I can't handle having him here with me. That would really get my mind twirling, I need to get over this. He is protective of me and is making every effort to make sure I will be ok. I am glad for this. I would still take him back in a second, but I can't change him, all I can change is me. I sure wish this lulling pain would go away though.
Replacing him sure will be tough, I love him dearly. Sigh... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Time for me to go to bed.... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Christine,

I think a good Plan B letter is in order. This letter gives the WS, the MLC spouse, a guideline on how to get back to where he was, after he hits bottom.

I believe in these cases, its absolutely necessary because they are so fogged in, that they don't have a clue of what they need to do to get back what they think/feel they have lost.

I like the phrase moving on a soon as possible to him, although I don't think that this course of action will be appropriate for you and your son right now. . .

wiftty

You know.... The best way to figure out your own faults are to live with your family for awhile. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> My little sister is driving me nuts. If I was anything like this now I know why my bf went bezerk! Geez...
Anyway..... I went to my first counseling session today. He was new to the state so he had to have someone sit with him during the session. I don't know what to think. I was really open because I want all the help I can get. I didn't get much. I did all the talking. I identified more with the guy who was sitting with us than the guy who was supposed to be helping me.
I see him again next week. I don't know what to think. My bf told me to look for a job up north. But he doesn't know what the future will bring. He may feel differently a week or month from now. So today I cried hard. I'm trying to let him go. I'm afraid I will feel differently later tonight or tomorrow I will be wanting him back again. Man this sucks! I'm trying to remember how I felt when I left my last long term BF, that despite how much I loved him he was just not good for me and I had to move on. This BF may be good to me but we just aren't right for each other. I don't know. I see other people have bigger problems than we do.
I'm tired, time for me to close for now.

Why haven't you gotten married?

Counselling can be very frustrating. It drove me nuts. I understand this is a fairly typical "male" reaction. I would suggest thinking, before you go to counselling, about 2 specific topics you wish to address. Hit them (the topics, not the counsellor) and see what they say.

Chris... it's a commonlaw marriage don't you think? What a mess...

I'm not pointing fngers or anything, but the relationship needs to be looked at.

Yes, it could probably be considered a common law marriage.

But people living together have a much higher rate of break ups than married couples do. This is because the relationship was not "solidified" in the same sense as a "real" marriage, ie. they do not stand up and say vows and demonstrate a commitment in front of everyone.

Couples living together tend to think,"why get married? We love each other & it's only a pice of paper."

But that "piece of paper" has proven to be a very strong "glue" in relationships.

<small>[ May 13, 2003, 04:30 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Counselling can be very frustrating. It drove me nuts. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">can you elaborate on those two sentences?

what did you expect? schoolwork where you memorized a process or read about something and then answered questions or wrote a report?

counseling can be alot of hard self analysis and work. figuring out how you came to be who you are takes alot of angles to analyze.

so why was it frustrating?

i have been through lots, my frustration was finding the right person that could relate to me. . . my last guy was great, he understood exactly what i needed within 2 hours

wiftty

I wish I had a nickel for every time I was asked why I wasn't married.haha <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> He had a really bad divorce so he was afraid of marriage. He said it's just a piece of paper and we are living the life as a married couple already.
Yeah, it sounded crazy, but I did it because I loved him, and wasn't going anywhere anyway. I started bringing this question up more and more over the last few years. Because it really bothered me. It just doesn't make sense. I suppose if I had really wanted him to marry I probably could have done it. but I wanted a real proposal, I wasn't taking any less.
-even though I actually was...
In MN there is no common law marriage anymore, but someone told me after 10 years I may get something. Right now I own everything in the house. I purchased it all myself. We bought the house contract for deed from his father. So there is no way I'm getting that, but he said he will take out a loan to pay me some money back. We'll see... I'm afraid the longer I wait the more he will forget how much he cares about us, and won't feel he owes us a thing. I could really get screwed here.
My work has been crazy. the girls have been really schmoozing the boss trying to get my job. People can be pathetic. Anyway...
I hate this lagging lovesick feeling. It's a constant burn. I keep changing my mind. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
One minute I'm gung ho about a great new life, the next I'm wanting to curl up in a ball and wither away. I have these stupid jealous feelings he will find someone better, prettier, one that meets his every need and that I will be looked at like the poor loser girlfriend that got dumped... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I'm also having feelings I won't find anyone better and that I'm less of a person without him. I hate these feelings. Why am I afraid for him to be happy in the future?
I need a good break up audio tape. One I can listen to over and over.

Well he stopped by today right before I got home. He had to get some paperwork for the business. My sister has been here and my house was a total mess. I told her to clean it up when I left this morning but she was still in her PJ's this afternoon and nothing was done. I was so embarrassed. How will he ever think I've changed...
He was crabby and yelled what he wanted most of the time. I tried my best to stay happy and keep my composure. Then he started to walk out angry on me and I lost it. I broke into tears. He stopped. He keeps forcefully saying you think this is easy for me your wrong. Ok then why the heck is he so angry at me??? I wish I could be mad.. He got mad because I hadn't figured out what or how much I wanted. I said he had more time to think about this than I did, hell I'm so messed up I'm lucky if I can drive to work without crashing anymore! I said I just want to do what is fair.
I feel so stupid, that I still care so much. Am He's so mad, am I supposed to have a list all compiled ready to take him to the cleaners?
I asked for one last hug. I held him for awhile and said my good bye. I hoped in some weird way my mind would tell my body not to hurt anymore after this. To let me let go.
He teared up a bit too but spoke harshly and said "ugh, this won't be the last time we see each other you know! and "see this is why I don't come over here!"
I gathered my thoughts and walked away in tears. I lost it. I did not want this to happen. I was not supposed to bring up the relationship. I was not supposed to cry. I was not supposed to pressure him.I am in this town totally alone. I have no support even my coworkers just want me out so they can have my job.
Why on earth do I have to go through this God????

Well it's the two week break up anniversary. There must be something cosmic about it because it sure is hitting me hard tonight. Then in the computer I found a book of poems I was writing about each year we were together for my 10 year anniversary present to him. I just finished it off by cutting it short and writing a final year. I enclosed it in an envelope and stuffed it in his sock drawer where he put the rest of his cards. Maybe he'll see it someday. Who knows...
I've been hitting the single life hard. I've looked at over several dozen houses and have applied at two dozen places. I put a bid on a house and started the loan process. I just need a job and we'll be set to move. I turned down a good offer today because I don't want to live in Minneapolis. Hopefully something will turn up for us. Keep your fingers crossed! I still don't really understand why he left. Well I just don't see how it could have been so bad? I tend to think it's because he's been in 3 other long term relationships before. What kept me from red flagging this was because he was dumped for another man in all of them. Now he's just repeating the process. I sure I hope I don't do this to anyone ever. Some people are really screwed up in this world.

Sorry it took so long to answer this...

Counselling was frustrating because I wanted to know things that I could do to:
- Increase the chances of my wife and I successfully reconciling.
- Get the images of her having sex with the OM out of my head.
- Know and understand WHY she did it.

All we did in counselling was talk about my feelings. I can only say, "I'm suicidally depressed" so many times before the next question, "Why do you feel that way? What do you think you can do to feel better?" drives nuts. I can laugh about it now... but in Maryland all of the counsellors have responsibility to "protect society" from suicidals and homicidals. I never wanted to kill anyone but I wouldn't have been terribly upset if I had died for about a month after D-Day. Okay, that's not true. I actively fantasized about wreaking all kinds of havoc on the OM.

But, how could I be expected to be honest about my feelings when each time we got close to my negative feelings, I could see them wondering about institutionalization? It was bad enough that my wife had an A, it was worse that she told everyone I abused her during a seizure, it was even worse when... I was having seizures almost daily. AND WE NEVER EVER TALKED ABOUT HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It drove me nuts.

AND, each time we went into joint... my wife was so fogged we just sat there, me speechless while she went off about how I basically set her up to have an affair... how much she loved me... how much she wished it had been me she was having sex with...

Ahem... this is a dark path for me even now. I walked out of every single joint MC session I went to. After we separated, I decided to spend my money on snowboarding. I would rather fall HARD, get back up, and keep going... than sit around talking about feelings I had no outlet for except violence at that time. I had 2 good IC sessions. In each, I went in with specific topics I wanted to discuss.
- Why do women have affairs? How common is it?
- Why, after everything that has happened, would my wife want to reconcile with me? Isn't having an A a very clear message they want OUT of the marriage?
- What can I do to increase the odds of a successful reconciliation?
- How can I protect myself from my wife accusing me of abuse and other behaviors during this rough time? The IC was actually VERY helpful in this one.

I also learned that in counselling when they come back with "What do you think?" they're actually saying... "I need more billable time with you." After I started saying, "I don't know what I think; that's why I'm here meeting with you. I want to you what you, in your professional experience, think about what I just told you."

I ended up staying up north for an extra day and cancelled my next appt. I felt more relief after some short time with my friends than I did with him. I almost had this violated feeling, like I was judged and analyzed in a way looking to find what is wrong with me rather than what is right. A person could pick themself to death at all the things they can find wrong with themselves.
Then I would have some record in a file somewhere waiting to catch up with me someday.
Anyway. There are still up and down days. If I could just get out of this house and on with my new life I know I would be feeling better. All of my memories are here, and I have no support system here. None that truly care about my best interest anyway. That is toxic to my recovery. Well all I have to do is find a good job and I'll be in my new house by my dad. Keep your fingers crossed!!!!