<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> OW came to our house yesterday to take herself out of the picture after 14 months. Supposedly heard that we were going to try again and thought if she let us know that she wasn't a part of this anymore that it would help. It had the exact opposity effect. WH told her in front of me that he didn't want to be here - nothing anyone did was going to change the way he feels about her. He said he would still stay for the summer if I wanted but not one day longer - again in front of her. I told him he had to leave - was that the right thing to do???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T. T. H. O.:
<strong> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> It had the exact opposity effect. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear lady, that little visit had exactly the intended effect. That story about taking herself out of the picture is absolute baloney. (I've cleaned that statement up some.) She got exactly the reaction and reassurance she was hoping for from WH.

No one can tell you whether or not telling him to leave was the "right" thing to do. It may be years before you have an answer to that question. It most certainly wasn't a bad thing to do.

What else could you do? At the risk of incurring the anger of some folks here, may I suggest that there are those rare moments in life when you have to consider yourself more important than the situation at hand?

That little visit and show was just plain ignorant. It was selfish and cruel.

Sooner or later WH is going to have to face some cruel reality too: A person who will cheat with you is also a person who will cheat on you. He is making some real bad choices, and one day he will face the normal, natural consequences of his actions. There isn't a whole lot you can about that one way or the other.

I know you are hurting big time right now, sure wish we had the words or something to ease the pain. Hope you will hang in here and share your feelings, lot of good folks here will do all they can to help you through this.

Bumper,
Thanks for the reply. I really do need to take care of me - this has been 14 months of h***
for me and I just don't think I can do it anymore. OW and h still work together - so she really couldn't take herself out of the picture anyway. H wouldn't quit his job or even look fo another one.

I'm really not sure what else I can do. I have been a basket case since this all happened - I really thought the summer would make a difference - I was getting stronger and thought that no matter what happened at the end of the summer I would be fine. But yesterday my h made sure ow knew that he was just there for that - not to even give us a chance. So I don't think I have any other recourse. But of course she isn't the reason we are where we are at - it's everything else that has happened. We struggled a long time with our marriage but I thought after the kids were gone it would be time to have a great marriage and he told me he looked at it as me not needing him anymore. This really sucks.

Thanks for the support.
TTHO

I'm very, very sorry. My WH's OW would do similar actions each time he came home to "work things out" - the first time she called just to let him know that she was checking herself into a hospital (mental) for a while but that she would be ok and just wanted him to know. The next time she called and said that she had ODed on alcohol and sleeping pills (she lived...).

If you ask me, you did the "right" thing. If all it took was a little visit from her, IMHO, your WH wasn't ready to come home...he would have left eventually and you saved yourself the pain of trying to work it out until it happened. I've been through this too. Let him go. Take yourself out of the contest. Eventually, you'll feel better.

duinjan,
thanks for the reply - I really wanted things to work and I definately wanted to make changes for me while he was home. But he does need to leave - I can't do this anymore - at least I don't think I can.

After yesteray I realized that even though wh was physically there - he had left a long time ago.
TTHO

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know the pain and turmoil of it all too well. My advice is to let your husband know you want it to work, you would do anything you could to make it work, but you can't work on it on your own, and that he needs to leave. I would tell him that you have more respect for yourself then to stay with someone who would say that in front of you, and that if sometime he realizes what he has lost and is really willing to work on it, he should let you know and you can reevaluate at that point. I fought and fought and fought to keep my family together, and I obviously couldn't do it by myself. I wish I had made the above statements earlier in the process, but I don't regret trying to save my marriage with everything I had. It sounds like you have too. And if he does leave, it is hard, but it is also a HUGE relief. I didn't have to walk on eggshells anymore, wondering if I could do something to make him love me, or if I reacted this way, if that would snap him out of it. That had been burdening me for 9 months, but I felt tied to my marriage vows and felt I couldn't be the one to give up. But I knew his efforts were minimal and half hearted at best, and I know I gave it my best, and that was something I could be proud of. Anyway, you are in my prayers.

<small>[ May 12, 2003, 09:54 AM: Message edited by: WhoamInow ]</small>

WHoamInow
THanks for the reply - I have told him repeatedly that I want our marriage and him but he just doesn't want to do anything to help it - he won't counsel - won't read - but for my own sanity - especially after the things he said in front of her yesterday - I need him to leave. He would stay the summer but according to him that would just be postponing the inevitable. So why wait? This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
TTHO

Yes, you do need him to leave. That sounds like one of the most brazen, emotionally manipulative ploys I've ever heard of.

Be strong.

Those of who are firm believers in Plan B (tough love), I have a question...

I wonder if T. T. H. O. would have gone to her place while he was there and said the same thing if it would have had the same effect. He would've left OW to be with W. You never know.

I do think you did the right thing. Hang in there T. T. H. O. Consider going to Plan B.

T.T.H.O.-
My ex H was going to wait to leave until after our third child was born, because "it didn't look good to leave then." (He was a school superintendent) But it looks ok to leave me with a newborn and two toddlers??! I knew he was waiting for that, and like you, saw no reason to prolong the agony, so encouraged him to 'make up his mind' right away. I'm glad I did. Limbo sucked.

Thanks everyone,
Lyxa - in my head I know you're right but my heart is telling me something entirely different. But it's like what about yesterday didn't I understand. He told her in front of me that he didn't want to be with me and nothing I do will change that. He might better have cut my heart out and stomped on it.
ILNPM - I would have loved to change the scenario - honestly If it had been the other way around I would have been a fool and worse - but not her - she's still perfect. I guess Plan B it is.
WhoamInow - I'm so sorry for your situation. My kids are all grown now - he told me he should have left years ago and the only reason he didn't was because of the kids. I wish he had left - at least I would have had a reason to get up in the morning - something to concentrate on and take up my time. But then again I don't know if I could have handled it then either.

TTHO

Re. the question posed by ILNPM - if WH was at OPs house would he have done the same thing? The answer, is "yes" he probably would have... the fence sitters/cake eaters just can't decide.

After the baby was born in Jan my WH started contacting OW again. I waited until I was back on my feet and asked him to leave again - he did. On Valentines day night the baby was crying and crying. I piled my 2 yo and infant into the car and drove to OW's house (an hour away) at 1 in the morning and knocked until my WH answered. I said, "Our marriage appears to be over, but despite your inability to give up OW, you have never said that this is what you want. You can put on you shoes and come home with us and we can work it out or you can stay here and that will be my answer." My WH said, "you can't expect me to make that kind of decision in 5 minutes - I can't leave her in the middle of the night like this." I said "Yes I can, and you've given me my answer. I left him standing on the porch and didn't look back." I arrived home, sad, but at least knowing the answer. I put the children in bed and went to sleep. Ten minutes later, WH, was knocking at my door. He had left OW in the middle of the night:)

I wish this was a happy ending - it isn't. He ended up back with her. I learned I can't force this - but I did have some satisfaction that he left her bed to come home to me. Now I've made the decision. I will not have him back. OW "won the prize" and she will probably always have a nagging feeling that he may want to be back with his family. I'm not an option any longer and there is so much more peace in that decision for me.

Re. the question posed by ILNPM - if WH was at OPs house would he have done the same thing? The answer, is "yes" he probably would have... the fence sitters/cake eaters just can't decide.

After the baby was born in Jan my WH started contacting OW again. I waited until I was back on my feet and asked him to leave again - he did. On Valentines day night the baby was crying and crying. I piled my 2 yo and infant into the car and drove to OW's house (an hour away) at 1 in the morning and knocked until my WH answered. I said, "Our marriage appears to be over, but despite your inability to give up OW, you have never said that this is what you want. You can put on you shoes and come home with us and we can work it out or you can stay here and that will be my answer." My WH said, "you can't expect me to make that kind of decision in 5 minutes - I can't leave her in the middle of the night like this." I said "Yes I can, and you've given me my answer. I left him standing on the porch and didn't look back." I arrived home, sad, but at least knowing the answer. I put the children in bed and went to sleep. Ten minutes later, WH, was knocking at my door. He had left OW in the middle of the night:)

I wish this was a happy ending - it isn't. He ended up back with her. I learned I can't force this - but I did have some satisfaction that he left her bed to come home to me. Now I've made the decision. I will not have him back. OW "won the prize" and she will probably always have a nagging feeling that he may want to be back with his family. I'm not an option any longer and there is so much more peace in that decision for me.

Dueinjan,
What a gutsy thing to do - I wish I was that strong. When this came to light my wh called the ow and her h and we all sat down and talked - they both apologized and said it was over - was never really over for my h or her. They continued to work together - in October at a particularly bad point in this whole situation I called the ow and asked to speak with her - told her what was going on and she agreed to help me - or so I thought - she was going to take herself out of the situation. Well again she ended up doing the exact opposite - made sure my wh knew that she still had feelings for him. I caused that awful situation. But that was as gutsy as I got. So now when it's about to hit the fan (more people are going to know) she finally decides to take herself out of the picture. What a wonderful person she is. I'm sorry your situation didn't work out - I'm sure it's hard to be on your own with little ones.
TTHO