I need help. I feel that my marriage will not last long if I keep acting as the insecure jelous wife that I am. over any little thing he comments on, it could be a beautiful girl on tv or he might just naturally look at a girl crossing the street. I start getting jelous. It's just everything in general. I don't want to be like this. I am very insecure about myself therefore I am insecure about my marriage. I love my husband but sometimes I just burst into this rage of jelousy and he is getting tired of it. i dont want to loose him. what can i do to control my jelousy. can someone help me?????

Papita, what your feeling is the same thing a friend of mine use to feel. What you are thinking subconciously is, that some girl no matter who, is going to steal your man from you. Has he ever given you any reason not to trust him? Have you ever had a relationship that you were cheated on or anything? Need more info

No, This has never happened to me because he is actually been my only actual boyfriend, and he is who I got married with. He has never ever, ever given me a reason not to trust him. I feel that it's me who is complicating our lives. alot of the times I feel that I am not good enough for him. I have a very low self esteme and I try to pick my self up but I always end up feeling like dirt again. I get jeleous when his friends call him (guy friends) I even get jeleous with his own brothers. I feel that If he goes out with them they are going to take him places where he might meet girls. and that really drives me crazy. He is planning on going to school to get a degree, which is great that he wants to better him self. There is a problem though, I know that Girls are going to talk to him and I am not going to like that at all because I feel that they are going to try to take him away from me, or that he is going to realize that he does not love me and now he falls in love with someone in that school. I know all of this is real dumb but that is how I feel. He tells me and shows me that he loves me, but he tells me that I am driving him away from me with my jelousy. I don't want to be like this. He is the best thing that ever happened to me and If he ever leaves me I will regret it for the rest of my life. please help me!

Papita,<P>I am certainly no expert so please take this as only one lay person's viewpoint, but I do believe that we often 'make' things happen - a self-fulfilling prophecy. Or if not actually make them happen, contribute to the circumstances that allow them to happen.<P>Low self-esteem is probably one of the most common problems around as I see it. Deep down, I wonder if many people have inferiority problems and just do a really good job masking it on the outside - probably some people you would suspect the least. The ironic thing is that low self-esteem breeds further low self-esteem!<P>Another thing to consider is that, probably genetically or something, humans tend to be more attracted to people who exude confidence and self worth. I would guess that the more you show your jealousy and insecurity, the more likely he is to make a mistake of his own as you fear.<P>Everyone has worth! He fell for someone that he loves and apparently found 'worth' in. Who is the person he knows the positive side of? You are no doubt a person who does have real strengths but just questions them too much. It seems you need to focus on the strengths you have and learn to like and respect yourself more. Easier said than done I know, but forget the other girls (and guys). Find the strength as a person that you have deep inside of you and become that person again. When you have those feelings of jealousy again, just smile and tell yourself that he chose you to make the big commitment to, not them. Create a healthy environment where he can earn your trust and you can accept it. And my guess is, you are the best thing that has ever happened to him too!!<P>I hope this helps...<BR>

Thank you so much for those words. I know that it is easier said then done. but because I love him I will try my best. Somehow I have doughts and I feel that I might burst into this rage of jelousy and that is when he will take no more and leave me. I will take your advise and I will have a smile or at least try to have a smile on my face when ever I don't like something I see. I hope this will be the last time I have to write about situation! please keep sending me words of advise. I know I am going to need alot of help. will you help me become this jelousy?

Again, I'm no expert and know that I could be WAY off!! But...<P>It sounds to me like it's not advice you need. You seem to clearly understand what's going on and, to my understanding, that puts you WAY ahead of so many that never recognize their issues. It sounds like you just need encouragement!<P>Ask yourself these things: Who are you? What makes you special? What are you good at? What do you believe your H has seen in you? Look in the mirror. You see someone that your H must really love! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and your H is that beholder. Show your confidence, be yourself, be the attractive person he fell in love with, give him what he needs, ignore the others (as a threat anyway) and everything else will take care of itself.<BR>

Papita, Bill is right. Your H chose you to spend the rest of his life with, and that shows that you are priceless to him. As far as his friends are concerned, if they haven't changed him since the two of you have been together, than he won't change now. Allways remember that the two of you are extrememly special to each other, and nobody is going to change that. Allways show him your love as he does with you and don't worry of anything else.

I've known other young women who have had this problem, but I just don't get it. Papita, keep asking yourself this question, over and over: Why would I want someone who doesn't want me? There is no valid reason, Papita.<P>Do you spend your time worrying about getting cancer? No - you just try to live in a healthy manner to reduce the chances of getting cancer. Well, the bottom line is that if someone wants to cheat on you, they will. So instead of driving yourself crazy, just spend your time trying to be the best partner you can to create the healthiest relationship you can to reduce the chances of that ever happening!<P>Your husband is right - you are driving him away. You're jealous that he might see a female when he's out with his friends? Come on! Women are 52% of the population! Short of locking him in a closet you're outta luck! You have to get over this - your H sounds like a good guy and you sound like you have a good relationship other than this.<P>As alluded to in a prior post here, the men who were the partners of the other women I've known with this problem all said the same thing after weathering a few years of jealousy-related harassment and nagging - if she already thinks I'm cheating on her / interested in other women, etc., what would I lose by actually going for another woman? Obviously this isn't logical thinking, but still, there it is.<P>Papita, don't you look at a gorgeous tree and say - wow! What a beautiful tree! Don't you look at a handsome man and say - hey! He's attractive! What is the difference? Wouldn't it be incredibly sad and abnormal NOT to be able to recognize beauty in the world?<P>The mere fact that you recognize that it's "dumb" to worry about "girls talking to him" if he goes back to school shows that you know this is your issue. So keep it in mind, Papita - this is YOUR problem, not your H's - you are choosing to make it a marriage problem by bugging your H about it. Only YOU can change the way you feel. It YOUR responsibility to change yourself. Do not nag or bug him about it - just work on changing your attitude yourself. <P>Stop mentioning the issue at all to him - except to tell him you're working on it, and to ask him to help you change in this area by trying to stop remarking on attractive women (no reason to provoke you, right?). It IS normal for the most committed man to notice other women, Papita, but it is NOT normal behavior in American men (at least those who wish to maintain their sex lives) to comment on same to their wives!<P>Sorry if I sound too strong, but I just helped a male friend deal with the extended fall-out of a broken engagement based on exactly this issue. They were extremely well-matched and got along famously except for the woman's - yes - jealous rages (with absolutely no basis in fact, of course). It's a real shame and a great waste, both are heartbroken...<P>It sounds like you have a good life - put a smile on your face, hug your husband and be thankful!<P>Good Luck! <BR>gobyfish

Hello Papita,<P>I have read what you had to say because I can sort of relate to the problem at hand. I am 8 months pregnant,and I guess my hormones get carried away sometimes as well. My body is not as nice as it used to be, and getting jelous of other women has been quite a common thing these days. I have recently figured out how to control my angry outbursts. The other people who wrote to you have given you wonderful advice. You just have to remember at that time of jelousy how much your husband loves you, and in turn that God has given you to eachother. Also remember that it is only natural that he look at other women. That does not mean he will ever love them as he does you. Remember jelousy is just the devils way of distracting your happines. Good luck and God Bless~ goodnight

I know exactly what you are going through! I don't know whay it happens either. I am getting married in two months and I am marrying the only guy I have ever gone out with. I am always scared that someone better than me will come along and steal him. He has never given me any reason to not trust him either. I feel stupid too for always getting jelous of every girl that walks by or girls on TV. He is going to school in a couple of months and I am jelous that he'll talk to pretty girls. I don't want my jelousy to ruin our marriage either. We are totally on the same track. I have low self esteem too. I think its because my mom used to call me down every day of my life. She used to tell me that my sister would steal my boyfriends. I really want to get over my insecurities and jelousy too. I just wanted you to know that your not the only one with this problem. I know I have to fix my problem or I'm going to lose the only good thing in my life. Best of luck with your relationship...

Get help soon! That is all I can say. There are many reasons why people are insecure, and most of them lie somewhere within your own heart. <P>My husband was never jealous or insecure before we married. Not only has he been suffering from depression and ADD, he has become obsessed. <BR>And it has ruined our relationship. One of the worst feelings in the world is to not be trusted when there is NO reason for it. Many things played into our marriage crumbling, but if I had to name the top #1 thing...jealousy would be it. <P>It got so bad that my husband began to tape record my telephone conversations. For a long time without me knowing it. <P>Please, please, do not let this control your relationship. And better than that, don't let it control you. Your better than that. <P>Go to counseling. It's you..not him. If he is doing something to make you feel jealous..well, then there are other issues. But if you are obsessed with being jealous...you need help...for yourself and then your marriage.

Thank you all for the advise. I thought about what all of you had said and a-lot of that is actually sticking to me. I am triying sooooo HARD to control myself. Right now I have been doing well. Scince the last time I wrote on here how I felt I have not told him anything, no remarks, no arguments about girls on TV or outside. Hopefully I will continue to control myself and keep thinking that he is with me because he LOVES and that he chose me to be his partner.I know it is a small step but I have to remind myself everyday that If I don't want to loose him I need to contunue saying to myself how stupid this jelousy is and how I am hurting our relationship. I need to have more self esteem about myself. I just don't know how to get it!!!! Deep down inside I belive in myself but the problem is that I dont believe it. You can say that 80% of the time I feel sad and know that all of those girls are better than me. Thank you all for the advise. Trully it has helped me. I would appreciate more of your advise. I know it will help a whole lot.<P>Thanks to all, <BR>Papita.......... : )

Papita - <P>Why don't you try a little pragmatism - it works for me! E.g. - "80% of the time I feel sad and know that all of those girls are better than me." Ok, there are two options:<P>1. You are right - all other girls are better than you. Nothing you can do about that, right? Then stop worrying about it - it's a waste of time. The fact your H loves you is enough - who cares how either of you compare to others?<P>2. Your're wrong - they aren't better than you. No problem here!<P>My point is that REGARDLESS of how you view yourself, high self esteem or low:<P>- many personal attributes can't be changed;<BR>- you always either can or can't improve your self in certain areas;<BR>- others either do or don't like or love you, regardless of what you are, do or look like...<P>...so that you're often wasting your time worrying about it. Thus, If you really want to get that degree, get a nose job or lose weight, then do it! But regardless, your husband loves you and you have a good marriage - that's all that's important! <P>Maybe 20 years from now he will leave you for someone else - gee, how would worrying about it now help you? If you can't do anything about it, don't worry about it - it's just a waste of time.<P>Has it occurred to you that you will always be able to find people who are better looking, better educated, have more money, have better jobs, houses, cars, health, etc. than you AND the opposite? So what can you do about that?<P>I think that you should work on thinking about and focusing on weightier topics - things that really matter - to both get your mind off this AND to increase your self-knowledge, which will eventually lead to greater self-esteem and greater maturity.<P>Papita, you have all the value you're ever going to have on the day you're born. No education, liposuction, wealth, other people's opinions, etc. changes that. You're stuck with you, so you might as well accept it and be happy for the gift of life we've all been given.<P>Try to stop focusing on yourself by instead ACTIVELY giving of yourself to others - go visit that lonely elderly lady down the block with a homemade dinner - anything! It really boosts the mood and increases your self-esteem by demonstrating how valuable you are - what a huge positive impact you have on the world simply by existing and actively giving and loving others. <P> <BR>gobyfish

Thank you for your posting! I am very much like you. I obsess with other girls taking my man away from me. even though we married and have 2 girls. I'm always insecure, playing games with my own mind, thinking that he's single friends will encourage him to cheat on me, or he'll go out and seek better girls than me. Even has I write this I'm scared, he out of town, he called we got into a fight and he hung up on me, we have not spoken since and now i'm scared that he''l cheat cause he's mad. He's never cheated on me before but I'm scared that "tonight" and any other night will be the night that he will! <BR>I have read all the advise you got, even printed it, I wish there was a cure for this craziness.<BR>Take care