I have been divorced for 10mo. and was sepereated for 2mo. prior. I have two young children....2 and 6. My EX basically turned to another during our separation....and more than likely before. I wanted counseling and begged to keep the family in tact. To make a long story short. It has been a year since we have been totally apart....and the EX cries every time I see her now. To drop off the kids and/or pick them up. I am dating another woman, and my EX is still on and off with the OM. The question I have is......why did my EX rush the divorce with me? Why did she not just stay separated for 6mo-1yr as we had talked about. Why didnt she want counseling? I know you probably cant answer these questions, but I just dont understand why someone goes through with something major like altering your whole life and family, and then once its over.....you are an emotional wreck and are always in tears? Does she miss me, us.....just not happy still, what? Im NOT in love with her anymore, she treated me horrible through the separation and during the divorce, but I do love her because she is the mother of my kids. Im just curious? Anyone have thoughts?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Thanks in advance. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Why do people make such quick hasty decisions??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

question I have is......why did my EX rush the divorce with me?
Divorces get rushed because the wayward spouse feels the "soulmate"thingy with the op. Also, it is rushed because they want to get it over with as quickly (re: painless) as possible.

But as we see over & over, the affair will almost always end. Harley says within 2 years and this is the reason he recommends for the betrayed spouse to wait. This will give time for the affair to end and then for the bs to weigh their options. MB is not a blanket "wait for ws and then reconcile."

Why didnt she want counseling?
Because her feelings "had to be right because it was so intense." Counseling, from a ws point of view is simply to stay in the marriage. But if the marriage feels so wrong (because of the affair) then counseling is a waste of time, so wy do it?

Yeah, I see your point, but then why get upset a year later is my question. If you want it over with as soon as possible, why all the emotion much later???

then why get upset a year later is my question. If you want it over with as soon as possible, why all the emotion much later???

Because they got it over quickly to AVOID all the emotion. But it isn't really avoided, it is just put off. Sooner or later it will hav eot be dealt with. Once things start to cool down with op and they look back with a clearer mind, realization kicks in of what happened and how they did not deal with anything.

I guess you could compare it to an accident where mom picks a car up off their child.

At the time, mom is concerned with NOTHING except rescuing their child and they do the almost impossible. But after all is done, they look back and think, "My God, how did I do that?"

Same thing in an affair. Everything feels so good, so right, it HAS to be done this way. Then after, they look back and think, "Uh-oh, what happened?"

I am just guessing, but I would say that the Fog is lifting. While you were married, you were the orgre that was at the root cause of all that was bad in her life. Now you are in (permanent?) Plan B, and she can see you as you are...a nice, decent guy with faults, but strengths. And she can now see the OP as who he is, and he might not even sort of compare to the Father of her kids. And she sees you moving on with your life, and she realizes that she screwed up, and it probably wasn't nearly as bad as she had made it out to be, and she would like it back but she can't have it. That is one option. Another, she does miss it, but wouldn't take it back, she just doesn't ahve anything better to replace it with yet. But since you have moved on and aren't interested any more, I'm not sure what you can do to help. Just be the best father you can be to your kids and get on with your life and be the best You you can be. Good Luck!

Thanks for the insight. All I have read is kind of what I thought, but I wanted to be sure. Also, I am divorced and have a fiance.......The EX WW gave her a card from my kids that said StepMother on the front. It didnt even mention Mothers day. It said...If I remember correctly?...."If all stepmother were like you.....most fairytells would not have a plot". My fiance and I didnt know what to make of this?? She has a son, so she is a mother......but, we are not even married?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I dont know, maybe she is going through some things right now. She just does weird things. The EX also calls real late sometimes. She knows our kids go to bed at 9pm......but, she calls at 11pm on weekends. My fiance points out that her EX WH never calls that late. Then when I need to call her about the kids, I get voicemail and a return call hours later. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> That is why I hate Divorce.....all the drama!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ May 12, 2003, 11:53 AM: Message edited by: ITSOVER ]</small>

I"m possibly posting out of turn here, but I also have a question. Why do the BS (like me) want validation that the affair is wrong and don't want things to work after the DV for WS and OP?

I mean, why do I really want folks to tell me that it probably won't work out, etc etc. I know on my own that the affair was wrong, and still is wrong. I know God doesn't bless their union because both parties were married to their BS's, but why do I need the validation of other people telling me these things? Is it possibly because I'm afraid that maybe the OW IS his soulmate? Has he made me that insecure?

I don't know if I'm making sense, but it is bothering me that I really don't care if he finds someone else now that we've signed papers, but I really DON'T want him to be with HER. Am I afraid that maybe she IS a better spouse??? (although I think that anyone who throws away their family can't be that great of a spouse)...

sorry for the ramble.

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind! And what are the statistics of OP & WS's marrying and being happy after their prospective divorces?

No kidding Kimmy.....I dont want my EX to suffer, but I am not at all upset at hearing things are not going according to plan for her. I guess its just because I put so much effort into trying to make her happy and it didnt work. She was never happy....and then she turns to another guy to try and make herself happy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

And what are the statistics of OP & WS's marrying and being happy after their prospective divorces?

Something like only 3% of marriages with affairs end in divorce & remarriage to the affair partner.

Of those only 15% stay married more than 5 years.

So it's pretty slim they wll get married. And even slimmer they will stay married.

I've noticed that a WW that divorces her BH ends up losing the OM much sooner than a WH that divorces his BW ends up losing the OW. The OM tends to start moving away as soon as he has to be the one to fulfill all of the WW's EN's (which very likely include financial support and domestic support). If this is true, then the biggest loser ends up being the female WS who ends up realizing that her soulmate prince was actually a frog. So instead of upgrading, she ends up downgrading big time.

<small>[ May 12, 2003, 01:19 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>