Well, here I was thinking we were making progress...and all yesterday we are starting to tell our friends we are getting divorced. So sad.

But I have done everything I could. I don't think there is any more I could do with this "dead shark".

A few comments; it came to a head when my 24 yo S and 15 yo D came together at our house to do an "intervention" with FWW. I have been in therapy since February after we had gone through six months of counseling in Dec2001-May 2002. She missed many of those sessions, I went on my own, and I went back in February because I was continuously anxious over the Jeckyll-Hyde experiences we were having with her...ALL of us were having with her.

Found our counselor thinks she is BPD, and having read "Stop Walking on Eggshells", I believe he is right. I was co-dependent. Anyway, while she was asking questions calmly to make sure she understood everyone's point, her main comments at main areas of discussion were consistent: "Are you saying in order to restore my relationship with my children that I have to stay in this marriage."

It was then that I saw that everything that could have been done, has been done. And stated the next morning that we could begin to proceed down the road to make this divorce happen. My daughter is thrilled and will live with me. My son is kind of a conflict avoider, but they were both MARVELOUS that night, even by my wife's admission.

So here is the big question, while I feel better now that it is finally resolved, I am once again having trouble sleeping. What does the forum think of anti-depressants, and which ones do you recommend?

Thanks friends.

Good morning Willy,

Sounds like you are handling things pretty well without the anti depressants. I too have a sleep disorder. I really recommend that you let your family doctor know about the sleeplessness, and let him make the decision on the treatment. They have done so much with sleep disorders in the past few years, a lot of advances. Antidepressants are the last resort, not the first.

There is one comfort, when the body gets tired enough it will sleep. You will sleep again.

Willy, Any sort of upheaval will cause this sort of thing to occur. Don't fight the sleeplessness. Don't feel that you must be messed up. You have been dealing with a traumatic event, and there have been changes. There is really nothing wrong, in fact everything is right in your reaction and difficulties. Anyone who can go through this and have no problems is really the one that HAS the problem.

Point of fact, the night I found out about my wife's first (well third) affair. I obviously couldn't sleep at all. She on the other hand wanted to go to bed early, because she needed to be up for school in the morning. See what I mean? Which is the more realistic reaction to the news?

If things don't get better, then I agree you should seek help. But I will tell you, typically this is called an "Adjustment disorder". You are having NORMAL difficulty based upon circumstances in your life. Now, after three weeks of this sort of thing, competent physicians will then start talking about medication. What I mean about competent is that so many primary docs are willing to medicate just because it is easiest. But I don't believe that it is right as a reactionary measure. (I am a MD) But I am all for medication... I took an antidepressant for almost a year and it helped trmendously. It just sort of evened out my ups and downs. Allowed me to eat and quite perseverating. A good SSRI or derivation could help very much. But just make sure that it is not just to fix a normal reaction to an event.

We are a feeling species. We need to feel the pain to a point, to learn and heal. It are those who medicate via alcohol, affairs, or prescription that tend to prolong or avoid (for a while) the very real pain that must be dealt with.

Just my feelings...

What is persevating?

BPD is a toughie. If your spouse doesn't commit to treatment and commit to sticking to the treatment, you're in for one helluva ride. Medical treatment almost has to become a Deal Breaker as part of the ongoing relationship or what's the point?

Sleeplessness... I'm about 10 months from DDay and still don't sleep well. I took ambien for a while... but talk about a severely messed up drug!!! If you can avoid it, I would suggest you find something else. I generally try to exhaust myself during the day and if I can't fall asleep naturally, I'll take melatonin... which works really well for me. For a while, I'd also go home at lunch and take an hour nap... which saved my career. At the risk of sounding like an OTC abuser... Nyquil and Benadryl also make me really sleepy. Just a little bit of those will knock me out and then I stay alseep till about 3 a.m.

Don't force yourself into regular sleep habits if you don't have to. You're all messed up but you need the rest... so if you get sleepy go to sleep!!! The rest will sort itself out with time.

Perseverating is thinking about the same thing over and over again, essentially without end.

Why did she do this? How could she do this? I tried everything. Why did she do this? How could she do this? etc etc...

I recommend NOT using a benzodiazapine ie Ambien, Valium, Ativan, Librium, etc.. They tend to just make you tired and a little out of sorts. But if you are thinking too hard about stuff, all they will make you do is think in a drugged state. ie so many people have bad outcomes from them. The tend to just sedate the overloaded person, without going to the heart of the problem.

SSRIs such as Celexa, which is what I used, work to allow the mind to slow itself down. They don't cause any direct effect, other than cause the natural stimulation of the brain to have a slightly longer lasting effect. They inhibit the reuptake of the stimulating chemical at the synapse, thereby causing the effect to be prolonged.

Just my opinion... but I do have a bit of education as well as personal experience behind it.

Ah... persevating = ruminating = obsessive thinking. Yeah, I had a hard time with that. Still do off and on even now, but it's getting better.

Ambien did horrible things... I'd take it, fall asleep, and then wake up an hour later in a sleep-aware state... and not remember anything. According to various people, one time, I watched a movie, cracked jokes, and went for a drive while being on ambien. And, it was so weird. Made me feel like I was living in someone else's skin.