After 2 1/2 years of MB and countless sessions of counseling (all by me alone) with SH, I filed for divorce last week. All that is left is for me to decide when to tell my wife and have her go to my lawyer to pick up the divorce complaint. Since we have an every other week custody arrangement with our daughters, 11 and 17, its going to happen either this week or Memorial Day week. Those are my weeks and SH maintains that it would be better if they were with me when it happens.

One thing I forgot to ask SH, and I can't believe I didn't, was if I should tell my kids right away once my wife is served or if I should just sit back and see how she handles it first.

If anyone out there had a similiar situation, I'd like to hear about it. My complaint includes both adultery and extreme cruelty. The OP gets served with an adultery complaint as well, although it doesn't have any weight to it. I'm just not sure how they will react...

The normal thing is to sit down together and tell the kids, having arranged this 1-3 days ahead of time. If you can't do this together without major conflict, then do one right after another.

I haven't read your story, but this sounds like an ambush filing with no plan B.

I think you must put off telling the kids. They might witness her blowing up, and that's bad. But if you try and warn them ahead of time, your wife may end up finding out from your kids, and I think that would be worse.

Not sure where you live, but here, we have to serve the papers. The servee doesn't normally come in to pick them up. The way I did it, was have the papers sent by certified mail just before I took the kids away on vacation. Left a note for my wife, warning that the papers were coming. But the kids were not around for any fallout. I also said that if she signed the certified mail receipt, then we would not have to use the sheriff's constable.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by "ambush filing". If you mean one-sided without my wife's knowledge, you are entirely correct.

There was an attempt at Plan B long ago. But it crashed and burned because of issues with the kids.

I will probably tell the kids the same day my wife picks up the papers. In NJ you can have the other spouse served in person, have your lawyer send a letter to the spouse asking if they want to be served or have the papers sent to his/her lawyer, or just tell the spouse to go to your attorney's office to pick them up. I'm choosing the last option because it gives me total control as to when she finds out.

Keep in mind I'm doing this with SH's full counseling advice. It's not a knee jerk reaction. It just appears to be the only option left. I don't want to be married to this person my wife has become and my daughters have almost fully accepted that this is all a normal living arrangement...

bump, please...

Sorry, I wanted to bump this up once more since my dropping the bomb here is imminent. I'm still laboring on how to do this the correct way....

AH,
If it was me and I had to make a decision without SH I would tell the kids the same day she was notified and being served. Since they are with you at that time she will have a chance to calm down before she can see them.
JMHO

Not sure of your whole story. However, if I were you I would just tell the kids the next time they are in your care. They are 11 and 17 right? I would also just serve her through the sheriff's dept. Otherwise you can tell or to "go pick them up" and she may not. Usually the 30 day notice doesn't begin untill the person is served. Good luck to you and your kids. tew

P.S. What was SH's advice? tew

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tewjtm:
<strong>

P.S. What was SH's advice? tew</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Steve thought it best if she was served by the sheriff's office, but also agreed that it was important that the kids be with me when it happened. There were no guarantees as to when she would be served, so my lawyer said she could send my wife a letter telling her that I had filed a divorce complaint and give her the choice of picking it up or sending it to her attorney. Or I could just tell her myself to pick it up.

Steve's idea here is that the shock of being served has a whole different effect than warning her ahead of time. I just thought me telling her the night before would have almost the same effect. She has no idea it is coming...

I will add my 2 cents for what they are worth!!!

Do your D's know about moms EA with the OW? If they do not it is not your place to tell them about that only to tell them that you have filed for the DV and I do believe that you should do that on the same day as your W is being served. You filed so it should come first from you!

My 2 cents!!!

I made sure that my x told the kids and that he told them why it is that he wanted a DV. Natural consequences!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

What do you really think the kids reaction is going to be? I mean, you have been living completely separately for over 2 years? Neither will like it, however I suspect that even your 11 year old will be expecting it. I can't believe that your wife is not expecting it. Maybe not 'today' but come on, what do you think she expects. To continue her affair, live separately, and you remain married. If that is the case, then I believe that she obviously has more problems than just the affair. That or you have led her, or she has led you, to believe that you were coming closer together instead of your obvious feelings that you are moving farther apart.

I think that you should tell her as calmly as you can as soon as you can. Have your children with you, or in your care. Ask her if she wants to be with you when you tell them. Tell her you want to tell them today/tomorrow. Don't play games with them. Don't try to placate her. You sound as though you have been divorced in every way other than on paper. Perhaps I misunderstand your arrangement, however I think that it sounds like the only people who are being fooled are you and your wife. I might be completely wrong, and obviously there are tons of assumptions being made here on my part.

<small>[ May 27, 2003, 12:00 AM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by daybreak:
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Do your D's know about moms EA with the OW?

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Always Hopeful:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by daybreak:
<strong>

Do your D's know about moms EA with the OW?

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The answer is yes. I made a brief, but unsuccessful, attempt at Plan B in April of 2001. Under SH's guidance, I informed my daughters and in-laws of the truth at that time. No gut wrenching details, just that Mom was having a relationship with this OW and that was the reason Dad had to go to Plan B. Unfortunately, I caved because of worries on how my kids were dealing with the situation.

I think my approach to this will pretty much be the same. I'm going to inform my daughters tonight, just before I talk to my wife. All they will be told is that it is due to this relationship with the OW. But I won't fill in any details for now. I also have an appointment with SH set for Friday morning. By that time, I should see what direction my wife will be going on this...

just tell the spouse to go to your attorney's office to pick them up. I'm choosing the last option because it gives me total control as to when she finds out.
You are going to tell her tonight that you filed for divorce, then she is supposed to go pick up the papers.

If she doesn't go, then you still need to have her served.