Not sure what is wrong or why I am in a slump. I really think I can just go so long without hearing from WS before I get droopy and listless. What does that mean? Am I missing him? Is this a form of withdrawal? It keeps happening periodically. Should I have no contact with him to so I can get past this hurdle in my new, single life?

Another thing that is really strange all of sudden is strong sexual urges. These urges can be misguiding and they are not real comfortable to have when you are lonely and unattached. I keep thinking of the scripture in 1Corinthians 7:8....it is better marry than to burn with lust. I can't marry cause I am not D. Well--new things crop up when you least expect them.

I read the thread about "dating while you are still married" and boy, was there a potpourri of opinions on that subject. I think I will read it again cause I feel like contacting this Christian matchmaking website but I know it is too soon and I feel it is inappropiate for me to even think about dating. I cannot imagine that ever even happening to me....I do not think I am attractive to the opposite sex. This affair thing has really shot my ego down more than it was living with a man who felt so distant.

We were supposed to have the closing on our house so that I can be bought out. Was waiting for WS to contact me about this but there is a few obstacles of debt that he has to clear up first. Keep wondering what is going on but do not want to call.....Maybe some day we will have less and less connection and maybe that will be for the best.

I still think these feelings are momentary but real none the less.

TW

Yes.

Oh, sorry. Yes to the question of is this a kind of withdrawal. Yes. It is. When I finally separated permanently, there was a part of me that wanted very much to keep some kind of hope, some thread of contact alive. It near killed me sometimes the urge to call, to write, to visit was so strong. But as day after day passed, so did the urge. It still comes back every now and then... with varying degrees of intensity.

- Part of it is "better the devil you know than the ones you don't"... you know your spouse - the good and bad. The future is scary. So, there's a compelling urge to accept the known and waffle with the divorce.
- Another part is that we now have to look after ourselves. We don't have anyone to rely on but ourselves. Little things you always took for granted... for example, SHE always did the stupid car inspections and oil changes. I balled my eyes out when I finally had to go to Jiffy Lube. <sighs> It's easy to accept drastically lowered expectations for a return of the familiar.
- Lastly, your ego has been shattered. The world you knew is gone. You're being forced to, when you're not ready, rebuild yourself and your perception of the world around you. A sense of naive innocence and trust is gone... and so you second guess every freaking feeling, thought, emotion, and desire wondering... Is this the real me? What do I REALLY WANT?

Be strong. Hang in there.

What do you want tw? Could you describe how you want the day to go, then a week, month and year. How old are you, what do you like, who is tw. What would you like to do in the next few years. Are you financially ok?

TW, I really agree with Lyxa. I have had no contact for about a year now, and I'm finally really feeling better and able to accept the challenge of divorcing my abusive WH. I remember the period when I'd feel ok for a few days after a non-abusive conversation, anything that I could construe as giving me hope, and I needed my "fix" every few days.

Yes the feelings are real, but they'll slowly fade with time, and decreased connection.

TW,
I also have these feelings. I refer to mine as just feeling "blue" and cant but my finger on exactly what it is. Maybe it is just that I want someone to stop this rollercoaster so I can get off.
Sometimes I think I see a ray of hope only to be knocked down again. Sometimes I think it is time to give up, but dont have the mental strength to go into the battles divorce procedings will bring. I know I dont want to spend the rest of my life alone, but also being scared to death to have to look for someone else.
I am also really missing a mans affection, kids and family are wonderful (and the dog too), but it is just not that same as that special person's affection.
OK, I am rambling, I really understand what you are saying.

Ah, tossed wave. How well I know how you feel. You get going, facing the new days, the new life, thinking, okay, this isn't easy but I CAN do it and it IS really better....then, WHAM!! From out of no where, something triggers those awful slump times, and you take a big step back. I went out with a girlfriend from work the other night, a "party girl" type, which is really not me, but I figured what the heck?? It's a night out. I sat at the bar with a drink, watching people and was overwhelmed with the thought...oh no, is this my life now??? I just couldn't bear it. I was ready to go home after 15 minutes, stuck it out for an hour and a half, and then hurried home. At least what's left of home.

Yet, I think we need the "down" times, to make our building up to the "better" times that much stronger. It's like you take a deep breath and say "ENOUGH!" and pick yourself back up again. It's a healing time.

I know what you mean about the sexual urges too. Damn, after you're married as long as we were, it's tough. And I really, truly thought my WH and I had it pretty good in that dept....althoughI didn't know just HOW good HE had it!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I came home tonight to find a message from him for our daughter on the answering machine (I love you, please call me, yada yada..). I personally have had no contact with him, I do much better that way, although I am still very nice and forward all his mail to him...something he forgot to renew...but just the sound of his voice, his inflections, brings me down. After everything he did, and still continues to do, I still miss him. I guess it will take a long time to forget a lifetime, literally, of love.

I truly do understand your feelings. I hope tomorrow is a bit brighter for you. I know it's easy for us all to say stay strong, this too shall pass, and sometimes it helps and sometimes, nothing helps. But I know from your previous posts that you really are a strong person, and you will be back on track before to long!! Take care!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Lyxa,

there was a part of me that wanted very much to keep some kind of hope, some thread of contact alive

This is the worst scenerio cause it keeps all in limboland. I am losing hope more and more each day and it is a wierd feeling Thanks for the good points.....finding direction and who I am is definitely an ongoing search. Rebuilding is very interesting....parts of it I like alot.

sufdb---I am 55 yrs old, and lived to make everyone else happy for many years. I do not regret it cause my kids have benefitted but when a H looses interest in a good thing, it is unraveling. At this point I do not know what I want but right now, peace and serenity are my friends. I have to keep reminding myself to take it slow and let the healing happen. Time does heal alot.

LetsTry---can you elaborate on this: I remember the period when I'd feel ok for a few days after a non-abusive conversation, anything that I could construe as giving me hope, and I needed my "fix" every few days.

Can'tlethimgo----you were not rambling. those are real thoughts and feelings and it is all very scary. You will see each step as it comes but take it slow.

Broken---the party scene is an empty pursuit. It's fruit is what we left behind......party boys. I guess a person can stop loving their first love but it seems so unnatural.

Thanks everybody for your input. I have so much to be thankful for and one thing I am so thankful for is the openness and honesty here. No pretense, no trying to impress just plain old this is me and I am hurting. It is ok to hurt and heal and grow and live and love and change.

TW