my h just announced to me that he no longer wants to be married...i'm devestated...i'm crying...i have no one..........what do i do?

Dear one,
Tell us more about your situation so we can help you. How long have you been married and are there children? Is there someone at church, perhaps a minister or elder, that you can call and talk to? You need to seek some counsel. These first few days and weeks are going to be difficult for you. Spend time in prayer, and ask God to help you, for he will. You are not alone, there are people here and at a church where you live who are willing to help. You will survive this.
KK

we will be married for only 2 years on monday. we have a 12 month old whose b-day is tomorrow. i had an ea with someone over the internet...it lasted about 1 month then h found out. nc from the moment he found out. its all my fault my life, my m , and my family will lose...he was a wonderful h, has been ever since we married...yes i was sooooo stupid i am now losing everything b/c of my own selfish needs. i don't know how to feel...how to cope...he says that he fell out of love with me since d-day (dec. 13, 02). i have actually completely transformed into a "new" person. i have found God ... i am active in church and yes we have been to some counceling provided through our church. i know i'm rambling...i'm a basketcase at the moment. since my son's b-day is tomorrow we have tons of family who will be here this weekend to help celebrate. my mom is actually coming this evening. i don't know what to do, how to act, what to say....i know i will cry the whole weekend. i'm not ready for this...do we tell the family? do i just wait it out and pray he changes his mind? i don't know anything about divorce...how much it costs? do you need a lawyer? how long does the process take? how much more time do i have to "prove" myself to him before its a done deal? i'm not ready for this...physically, mentally, spiritually.....i have nothing to live for............except for my son... he is my stronghold. plz pray for me...

Dear Full of Shame:

Don`t be "full of shame" because you are doing the right things. Attending church is a good direction. We all make mistakes. It is good though that he discovered your affair when he did. Perhaps the deception could have grown far worse. God does have an answer for you and your husband, but it will take time. Your husband is hurt because he trusted you, but in time, he will also see all your good points. He will remember all the reasons for which he married you. He must learn to forgive and love again. You two are already joined forever by your child and divorce is definitely not the right solution. It very seldom is in my opinion.

Doug In Finland

First, I would ask your pastor or whomever at church for some counseling. Talk with your husband, express your guilt and there was some needs not being met. Your loved this guy when you married him? You seem to be a little unsure of your love for your husband. That is what your message reads.

Talk with your mother, if you are close. Tell her the truth, the EA, and the situation that has come out of your EA. You need to have support, and your husband needs to have support. He is hurting, your marriage was so young, and evidentally he married with committment.

I am the one who was betrayed by the husband that I loved. The pain, you will never know, it is severe, and your husband is showing his distress over your EA. So be gentle, with him. His life is in turmoil too.

But before, the party starts, talk to your mother. Get the information out so that she is able to help you. Believe me, she is going to feel the tension in the home. She is going to know that her daughter is distressed. Mothers are good at that.

This weekend is for your son and his first year on this earth. Your mother will help, and your church leader will help. I would advice both of you to counsel. Look at your husbands point of view, he has been very hurt. And you are hurting also. Breath and take it slow for now.

i thank you all for your kind words and for even taking the time out to post to me. i have a question...if you are divorced/divorcing how hard was it to go through with it? i come from a broken home and it saddens me to think so will my son. if he does get a dv i will have to move back to my home town which is in another state, then my h won't be able to see his son everyday...which i feel is important. this is a very big pill to swallow and i sincerely hope that i don't choke. i feel so awful...and the worst part is i'm scared. my mother does know what went on...and another issue is that my h still has anger towards my mom that stemmed from her response of the ea. this weekend will be hard but i will do it for my son. oh and another thing...my mom is staying a week.....should i ask her to cut her stay short? my h wouldn't if it was his family....... thanks again for your replies.

What a mess... Okay, here's the very first thing you absolutely NEED to do:
1. Take a deep breath. Push all the emotional angst aside. Lets reason one with another objectively.

You love your husband right? If so, why are you trolling the internet looking for a connection? He's asking himself this very question right now. He's also having a knee-jerk reaction that involves the question, "How can I trust this person ever again?"

2. You are not a fundamentally different person. You have changed your behavior. Fundamental change takes time. Continue with what you are doing, but be consistent. Your actions need to speak louder than words over time.

3. Read up on the content of this website. You need to Plan A. Plan A is about finding needs for you (and him) that are not being met. Focus on meeting his and avoid love-busting behavior.

Divorce is an extremely painful and emotionally draining process. Don't jump to conclusions that it is the only option. Be patient. Be loving. I'd cut off all internet relationships no matter if it's an affair or not just to show him your sincerity. At the point that he ACTUALLY starts the divorce process, there are some basic things you'll want to do to protect yourself. But, I don't think you're there yet... at least based on what you've said.

...and yes, you should have your mom cut her stay short.