THE LESBIAN

A guy is in a bar, sees a woman down the way and asks the bartender to send her a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, but you don't want to send that woman a drink, she is known to be a lesbian."

After having a couple more, the guy asks again. The bartender replies, "Sorry, I can't do it, you really don't want to send a drink over there, she's a lesbian."

Finally, after a couple more, the guy convinces the bartender to send a drink over. The bartender says, "Don't say I didn't warn you, but it's your money." After the drink arrives, the guy sidles over and asks the woman, "So, just what part of Lesbia are you from?"

Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. Hmmm... I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:

1. It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits.

<small>[ May 15, 2003, 10:26 AM: Message edited by: LostHusband ]</small>

LESSONS FROM MOMMY

1. My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me about RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me about LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me about FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

6. My mother taught me about IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

7. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

8. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it."

9. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

10. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

11. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

12. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

13. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

14. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

15. My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

16. My mother taught me about ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you'll be cold?"

17. My mother taught me about HUMOR.
"When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

18. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

19. My mother taught me about GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

20. My mother taught me about WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

Airborne Games

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references -- no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb...

All these sperm cells are briskly swimming along when one sperm cell says, "this is a lot of work, just exactly how far is it to the fallopian tubes?" The sperm cell next to him says, "oh, we have a ways to go, we just passed the tonsils."

CRAZY PEOPLE

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to Jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses." "The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

<small>[ May 15, 2003, 12:09 PM: Message edited by: sballplyr ]</small>

Cat you are very baaaad...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Sit in the corner... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The Curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

PRODUCE BOY

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half a head.

The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some a**hole out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce."

As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

The Wake

An old man named Mr. Goldstein was spending the last days of his life in a nursing home. One day, he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Barton asked him, "Is there anything wrong?"

"Yes, Nurse Barton," replied Mr. Goldstein, "My penis died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his penis hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Barton.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like this. Please put your penis back inside your pajamas."

"But Nurse Barton," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my penis died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Barton.

"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

> Been Caught Cheating
> >
> > A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with
> > another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she
> > dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his
> > penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the
> > handle.
> >
> > Next she picked up a hacksaw.
> >
> > The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to
> > cut it off are you?"
> >
> > The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You
> > are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

You must be a dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

The girl watches him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"

The girl says, "Easy... you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a great dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist... How did you figure that out?"

The girl says, "Easy... I didn't feel a thing!"

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high
wind?"

"Yes, I know." said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!"said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday"

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and
demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

an old man walks into a brothel and asks for brandy. the madam says sir brandy is the most expensive girl here she costs $1000. he says he doesn't care and asks for brandy again. the madam says ok and the off he goes with brandy and gives her a $1000

the next day the man comes back and says i want brandy. the madam says sir no one has ever had brandy 2 days in a row. the man insists, goes off with brandy and pays her another $1000.

3rd day the man comes back again, asks for brandy, goes with her to the room and gives her $1000.

after they finish as the man is leaving brandy asks " sir no one has ever had me 3 days in a row. where are you from?"

the man says denver. brandy replies that's funny so am i.

the men says i know. i am your fathers lawyer. he died and wanted you to have that $3000.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Guess I will have to figure out what team I played for.

A woman awakens in the night, and walks downstairs seeing her husband of almost two decades, sitting with his head bowed, arms crossed, sobbing at the kitchen table.

"What is wrong with you?" she asks.

"Do you remember when we first met?" he replies.

"Yes, it was at the basketball tournament senior year." she states.

"Do you remember our first kiss?" he asks.

"Yes, it was at the movies." she again says.

"Do you remember when your father caught us making love in the back seat of my parents' car. He shoved a shotgun in my face and said 'You're going to marry my daughter or go to jail for 20 years?" he asks as he continues to sob.

"Yes" she says, "I remember".

The husband breaks down and openly begins crying... forcing these words out through the tears....

"I would have gotten out today.".....

<small>[ May 16, 2003, 11:15 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>