After reading everything I could on this site about jelousy, I'm scared.<BR> I have struggled with jealousy for ever, I know I have problems with insecurity. I'm scared because I just can't seem to seperate reality from paranoid fantasy.<BR> My Fiancee and I have been together for almost 3 years. I must admit that this is my first real adult relationship.We've been through hard times and pulled through. Many of the hard times have been over my jealousy.A problem seems to be letting go of the bad things that have happened in the past. After our first breakup I found out from someone that I thought was one of my best friends that they had gone skinny dipping and had been drinking and well they both tell a different story.<BR> He says that she dropped her towel etc. that she was hitting on him, she says he wanted to come back and that he wanted to talk about me with her..bla bla.. she says he was looking for someone more like her etc. They both say that they did'nt sleep together. Anyway the details are not as important as the hurt and comfusion that came after.<BR> I had had jealouse feelings about the 2 of them before which he always got mad at me about. Her too, then look, friends do not sleep naked together. She should have sent him home if she was really my friend. Of course she was the one that finally told me.<BR> I can't express how badley I dug myself a hole in my self-esteem over this. This would be the second time she had a conversation about me and the man I was dating.The trust I've tried to give him, I felt was totally desecrated.<BR> This was over a year ago, he was very sweet and won me over. We have since moved to his home state, were I don't know anyone, and his family is here who I like. I know it does'nt sound good but I really do think he loves me. We have had a few more problems with Internet chatting and too sexy profiles, but he always seems to come through with some good reason for them. Sometimes I feel like i have justification to be jealous, it's hard to forgive. But I know that it is true that I am definitley over reacting to many things. It's like I go insane...I can't seperate what I feel i must trust as instinct from paranoid delusions. It's like I've turned into a woman i used to hate when I was the fun loving single girl. I don't want to question him constantley, nor do I want to drink myself to death just to try and make myself comfortable with him going out with his friends. Were we lived before all our friends were the same so we always all went out together. Now I know no one and he's got these old friends and family, I feel so lonley but I know it's not fair to restrict him. Also I think that because I'm such a social person I'm resenting him for having his own friends, and relying on him to much for the only attition I get. The one time I went out to a bar alone I got in more trouble than I was looking for, I did'nt cheat but drove some guy to another bar and stopped at our house for a drink ( this guy in turn told the bartender ,a friend of our, that I slept with him witch was bull) this led to a near break up again. I feel now like I can't go anywere and he can do what ever he likes. I know to get over my insecurities I must work on myself WHAT CAN I DO TO LEAVE THE PAST IN THE PAST...AND HOW DO I CONTROL MY FITS OF JEAOLOSY...I am losing his trust that i trust him. I know the more I'm like this the more I push him away. I don't want him to be afraid to talk to me or ask to go out with his buddies.<BR> I was always an independant person. I lived as a single girl for 8 years in a big city, lots of friends and partying. I want a more family life now,but I feel like I've become so dependant on him a hate being alone,and I feel weak. Pitiful I know. I hate this It's like I've stuck myself here and can't get out.<BR> Thanks for listening i know I'm rambling so much to try to explain, I hope someone might understand were I'm comming from. Daink

I find myself responding to all these issues from my own 'trust' perspective. I'm no expert, but I do have an opinion :-)<P>I'm learning the hard way in my relationship that feelings such as jealousy don't come from not forgiving or even from not forgetting, but from lack of trust. In my opinion, there is no more important ingredient to a healthy relationship than complete trust. And complete trust comes from complete honesty. If there is anything you have done, tell him the truth. Let him know that he can tell the truth too. The truth is not always easy, but it has to be rewarded. And if a discussion always turns to conflict over the truth, truth will never come out. He needs to understand that the value of 'earning' your trust by being willing to talk about it as much as you need to, and telling all, is greater than the value of 'protecting' you from the truth.<P>From my point of view, a healthy, happy relationship is one where both involved can feel that they can ask anything and simply be told the truth. Under that agreement, we're less likely to do things that hurt the other and jealousy will have no place.<P>There are some very good articles on this site about this issue that you and your husband should both read if you haven't already.<P>

Thank you Bill for the good advice.<BR>Your absolutley right that the truth is best. I think I've put him in the position of fear to tell me he even has to work at a different time because I might get upset. I have been feeling so needy because i have no friends in this new place and he does. And totally true that if we feel like we can do anything say anything then jelousey has no place. I have said that i feel like he should just tell me anyway,let me spaz out and I've been getting better about letting it go once i get my wits back. I mean I don't think he should have to put up with me spazing out but that right now thats the best i can offer.<BR> I have read most of the articles on this site that i could about jealousy, it kind of scared me the ones I remember most were the ones from the jelousy victoms, and it was quite apparent that it drives them away. The problem for me is that I feel like all I can do is suppress those feelings, and i end up getting mad that I never can say anything about anything or else I'm just doing it again. I do feel lucky that he is putting up with my crap, but then sometimes I revert back to the paranoia, or to the past problems and he cheated on his X why not me. Bla Bla Bla...I guess thats just paranoia again. Thanks Daink

DainK,<BR>From what you've written of your experience, I think the misery is not all of your own making. I think you have reasons to distrust this man, that your feelings are not all unrealistic paranoia. Take a serious look at his character and behaviors:<BR>Does he have the qualities you need in a relationship?<BR>Does he treat you with honesty, respect and dignity and build trust? <P>It seems that he is running around doing whatever he wants, putting himself and his friends and family first, while you are all stressed out and unhappy and he doesn't seem to be working at solving any of it with you. Seems that he only thinks of himself and his own pleasure. If he loves you maturely, he would be concerned for your needs and be part of resolving this stress. <P>There should be meaningful times for the two of you alone, not a situation like this where you always have to blend in with his world of other people. <P>Look at who you and he are alone together. Does he listen to you and understand? Does he care about your feelings or treat your feelings as "they don't matter"? I think he is not giving you the attention you deserve if you are indeed his girlfriend. This would carry into marriage and become more painful. This must be resolved now. A healthy couple takes each others feelings & needs into consideration before doing things. <P>If your weakness is jealousy, then he needs to go the extra yard it takes to build a sense of security, honesty & trust, explaining things fully and openly so you feel a sense of trust. He should not accuse you of being the whole problem. A healthy relationship causes you to "bloom", not mess you up with insecurity, jealousy, etc. <P>Write down the specific incidents and feelings that you have and sit down and discuss them with him. Maybe it is best to do this with a counselor. If you two are serious about moving toward marriage, you must work out a strategy of dealing with these serious issues.

I'm not an authority on the jealousy issue for sure & may not even be a reasonable person to repond. But I am curious...why can't you me introduced to his long time friends & all go out together from time to time. That way you'd feel more included in his circle, you'd think he'd enjoy being able to have you along (at least occasionally), and you never know who you might make friends with along the way.

Thank You Renee<P> He has been trying to make an effort, calling me and making an effort to let me know whats going on,even though this is hard for him. I think like somthing i read on this site yesterday that maybe we don't know what those things are the little things to make each other happy.<BR> I feel like all I wanted to see was that he noticed my extra effort to get fixed up for a party. Maybe i expected to much in wanting him to notice, and that after trying my hardest to be cool about him going out with his buddies last night that he might make the little xtra effort tonight to make me feel special. He says that shows I'm just constantley needing attention , that he expects me to look nice for the event and why am I not just confident on my own.<BR> I feel like all i'm asking him to do are the little things i do for him every day...bring him a drink to wake him up, make him breakfast or doing his laundry. <BR> I have been out of sorts though since I moved down here and don't have my friends to rely on...he has become my only sorce of attintion and companionship. I've never lived away from friends and family...I keep wining about this and it's driving him crazy i'm sure. He is a very sweet guy when he is happy with me he can be very sensitive and loving, cuddly and looking at other friends relationships i do feel lucky that he really does go out of his way for me. I feel like I'm just over reacting again. maybe instead of not saying anything but feeling hurt that he did'nt compliment me, which of course he noticed ( I was upset about somthing) and brought up, which just turned into a negative argument that i just needed so much attintion all the time. maybe I should have just told him this morning that I'm going to expecting somthing special tonight. that sounds so rediculous. Good grief now I just feel exasperated. Thanks everyone Daink<P> P.S. thanks to cindy bird... I should have mentioned that I have met this old friend of his the night before playing poker... I do respect that guys have guy time...but actually when I lived up north that was just hockey or somthing...we all went out together. But it seems the social structure of the south is different and I'm trying to respect that. When all our friends were common this did'nt really happen...