I know I have been laying low for a while, I have been so busy I can't even think straight. My daughters hearing was yesterday and she is expelled from all county schools and functions meaning she can't even attend her sisters graduation. They never took into account what she has been going through, and not even what I have had to be dealing with.....this will also continue through all of her next school year, she has been placed in a reform school and the hours are 9:45am - 4:45pm. My job basically has said if I can't work the hours I were hired for, then I need to find something else. I love my job and I am only working three days a week now and barely making it and without it, I don't know what I will do. My stbxh is contesting the divorce he wants reconciliation wants to come home tomorrow just get on a bus and come back to the house and start marriage counseling, part of me just wants me to let him because I have been struggling so, but part of me is so angry and confused. I feel like I am at my wits end I am so tired and weary that I can't figure out what to do because I feel like I have no choice but to settle for whatever i could get.

On top of everything my kids were involved in a school fire and 4 of my children were there around all the smoke and flames, they are ok, but I think God is trying to tell me something. I am just well, I can't even type anymore......help

(((((((momma)))))),
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I am still learning, and I dont know all the answers, but I really think letting H come home would be a big mistake. Just a short term fix, major problems in the long run. Not to mention the confusion for the kids.

I have read that you live with your parents, is there anybody to help you get your daughter to and from school? I realize you get alot of help from this board, but sometimes face-to-face help is better. What about your support group or friends?

I'm sorry, this was probably not much help to you, I have not been in your shoes. Just wanted to let you know you are loved and I am praying for God to bring you and your family peace.

Mx8
I've wondered what your update was! Can your parents help with anything at all? Even something like transporting your daughter to school would take part of the burden off of you.

IMHO, if you let your H come back, with him having done NOTHING to improve himself or your marriage, or even helping you while he was gone, you're asking for trouble. Your old pattern will be repeated. I know you don't want that either.

However, if you feel that his presence would help you deal with some of these problems, esp. with the kids, maybe you should consider some sort of written agreement between the two of you, spelling out your expectations from him (sobriety, joint/individual counseling, financial resources, AA, NA, etc.). I wouldn't normally recommend that (taking him back without him proving he's serious first) but your situation with all the kids is so unique I felt that maybe, just maybe, a little more grace was needed. Also, if he does return, I would use that as an opportunity to settle some of your financial things, like with the house(s).

Keep us posted!

If your husband does come back, I would set boundaries. One, I would sleep in separate rooms. One could be the boys room and one could be the girls room. He wants to try, maybe this is a sincere try. If not you will know shortly.

With him coming back into the home, you need to set boundaries in counseling. He and you should attend marriage counseling, and he should attend AA too. As for the kids, maybe you two could work different schedules, so you won't be around each other that much, and that way, he could help with taking the daughter to school and back, or he could coordinate with transporation. With him living there, it might help. But make sure you have boundaries, and have tight boundaries.

As far as housework, lawn and etc. You need to sit down with your husband, and your parents and yourself. And all of you make a list, how you all can coordinate the times of showers. Who is going to cut the grass, laundry, dishes, dinners, etc. You have a big family, with lots of laundry and mouths to feed. Everyone needs to do their part in fixing dinners, and dishes, lawns, etc.

I wouldn't give up just yet. Just keep the distance from you and him for awhile. Let him show that he is sincere in his reconcillation. Just let him make some moves, and see waht happens.

I will pray for you.

Well it doesn't matter what I want to do or my decision, my father will not allow my stbxh on the property and told me that he would have him arrested if he did so and that he and my mother and my sister would turn their back on me if I ever took him back, even if he did change. He was only coming for a week so he can find a place to live and see our daughter's graduation. I pay more than half the mortgage in that house and now I am suddenly 12 again with Dad telling me what I can and cannot do. But, because of my H leaving I am forced to get help from my father because I can't do it alone so I am just trapped. I want to just get in the car with my kids and run away....what am I going to do....I can't stand this anymore, I have been crying all morning and can't stop.

I think you father is over stepping his boundries by tell you that.. It should be left up to you , how you want your life to be. He has no right to tell you he will have him arrested. I think you should sit down and talk with you dad and tell him that you are a grown woman, you thank him for helping you out , but that he has no right to control what happens.

That is why i am so heart broken today because I have tried on several occasions to try and talk to my father and he just won't have it. He said he would not allow my H who hurt me and the children and abandon us back into the house, and that I am crazy for even thinking about it. I can understand to a point where he is coming from, but there was never any physical abuse from my H so it isn't a safety issue. As far as drinking and prescription meds, he is no longer doing that so he says and has told me that he has been in an outpatient program.

Now,I am not condoning my stbxh behavior and do not want him to move back into the home but I don't understand why I can't even have him come to the house to discuss what we are going to do as far as the kids. We do get along well enough to be able to talk to one another without fighting all the time.

I am angry that I am forced to accept this decision even though I am a grown woman because I have no where else to go, nor the means to do so. If it were just be involved I would say sorry you feel that way time for me to move, but I can't and he knows it.

What am I suppose to do????? I am so angry at stbxh for placing me in this situation in the first place, but I need his help with the kids I just can't do it anymore. I am at my wits end.

Mx8 -
You know how the father/daughter relationship is really unique from any other relationship we have... I think your dad is trying to watch out for you, he feels you have your hands full (which is true, you know) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . I'm sure he only has your best interests (and the interests of your kids) in mind. Just as you're having to re-establish a different type of relationship with your parents now that you're living with them again as an adult, but your parents are having to do the same type of re-thinking. They have an adult daughter living with them, who has 8 kids, a job, and a lot of baggage (emotional, financial, etc.).

You said you've tried to talk to your dad, have you tried to talk to your mom? Or maybe both of them together? Sometimes it helps to have another female around when explaining these types of things; or perhaps she can make him see where he's overbearing.

I think that if you filed for divorce already (and obviously are separated since you''re not living together) you should let a lawyer advise you about having your H help support you and the kids financially. I've been reading up on the divorce laws for your state and you certainly have every reason to expect and receive assistance from him.

I can't remember if you have a computer at home, so maybe you won't see this until Monday. You're in my prayers.

Oh, and another thing - you might find it easier to meet your H (if you need to) at a neutral location anyway, even if your dad DID allow him to visit at home. I think it's a good practice to be in a public place so things would be less likely to get out of hand, and also to help you emotionally (kind of taking an independant stand, so to speak). Just my opinion, though.

<small>[ May 16, 2003, 06:55 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>