I tried to think before I reacted, but I am not sure I thought about it long enough.

Here's the background to the email I just sent: H moved out in Feb., stated he was going to start his own bank account in March, but never did. I still have all the bills, he has a check book and just writes whatever he feels like. While I have opened a checking account that I put my paycheck in (he doesnt know), I still pay some bills out of our joint account. I have told him over and over that we need to communicate on this to no avail. So, here's the result:

I am really trying to understand you H, but I don’t know how you are wanting me to react to this.

In looking at the bank account it looks like you have written two checks that I don’t know what they are for. Check #3785 which came after the $80 check you wrote to Kroger for B’s medicine (his sister, he pocketed her cash) and before the $25 check to the foot doctor for the second visit. Also missing check #3788 which came after the check you wrote to Walmart on Saturday and before the check for $50 you wrote to B (for him staying with her (sister). Also, if you wrote anything after the check to B, which would be the new check book you picked up, I need to know.

I know you don’t understand this, but it is really hard to keep up with what is going on in the checking account when you refuse to tell me what checks you are writing. When checks start bouncing with your name on them, I guess you will get it. Not to mention the $30 per check the bank charges, plus whatever the other person charges for a returned check, plus not being able to write a check because it’s reported to Telecheck. Remember, I am still trying to pay the bills on less money than I had before (by the time you take out money for your weekend activities and the extra it takes for you to live on now, and now boat storage fees).(He decided to take his boat out of our garage and put it in storage, for whatever reason).

I guess I should consider myself lucky that you still put your check in our account, but you are stressing me out even more by me not knowing if the checks I write for bills are going to clear the bank or not. We have to come to an agreement on this, I have tried not to say too much about it, but it is only hurting me, since I have these responsibilities.

As of right now there is $215 in the account of which I wrote a $200 check to the dentist and a $20 check to TDL for S driving packet. That means it will be $5 overdrawn without whatever checks you wrote. I get paid today, hope my check gets in there before anything else comes in.

Just so you know, out of your check this week I need to pay the light bill $180 and another $100 to property maint. fees. And out of your check next week I need to pay $280 in auto insurance.

I am sorry if you don’t understand this H, but I cant take all the responsibility by myself anymore.

I can't remember all of your story, but I believe
you wanted to try and work on the marriage. If you do, then why did you mention several times,"I know you don't understand all this," in your message to your husband? I know you need to make it clear that the checking account not be overdrawn, but you made it sound like he is stupid. He is a grown man he does understand checking accounts I am sure. He may not be good at keeping one accurate, but he knows the basics. To me, it sounds like you are talking to a child. You may see him as childish, but this is no way to talk to your husband.

Maybe, you didn't mean to come across like he is stupid or a child, but that is how I would take this if you sent this message to me.

You ask for advise so I hope this doesn't offend you. I made a lot of mistakes like this when my husband first left three years ago. It pushed him away even more. God really showed me a lot of things I did wrong before and after my husband left. When I started treating my husband different things got better between us. We are still not divorced and we get along great. It takes time to heal wounds.

Again, I know this is important to you, maybe just word it different. This site really helped me
www.restorem.org

gentle

I agree, that you need to show figures, and not demean him. He knows that he is being irrational. So just organize the bills, state the facts, that utilities cost $, dentist $, etc. And state you put your check in at $ amount. So you could say, honey, help me figure out how to make ends meet. And then he would feel like he was asked, not criticized and demeaned. You could also, say, I am having a hard time with the budget honey, would you mind sitting down and going over all of this with me. And have all the bills there for him to see, and your check stub, and etc. Then he will feel like he is of help. Just my opinion. I did a lot of mistakes like this, and we are divorced, but it was a time of great amount of stress. And my husband did not give me authority or feel important enough to be on my own of bill paying. To ask for help is good. To tell the other person what they are doing is bad.

I don't think you LB'd at all!

If anything I think that you're making a big mistake by keeping this bank account as a joint asset between you and him. Close it or remove yourself from it. The big mistake being that the bounced checks and whatnot become and are your responsibility... for which you obviously feel more responsible than he does.

one of you needs to handle the bills.
one of you needs to sign off the joint account.
preferebly you.
who are the bills names in..that is the one who will be held responsible.
also any checks written returned for insufficient funds..the bank charges 20.00 and then the place also you wrote to charges 18.00 or 20.00 so it is worth it to sit down and discuss it or go to the bank and explain it to them and ask their advice.

my husband cleaned out our joint checking and savings and then signed off..I signed off so he would redo the account and had the lawyer get a court order to have him put the account back and bills paid as historically done in the past..
most were automatically taken out with lower interest because we did banking with one bank.
anyway..you might need to get a lawyer to help you set him straight on this along with other things, my husband was not good handling money,some people aren't and it isn't long before there is nothing left to pay anything with. please
don't take chances ending up with zero balance and outstanding checks.
just what happened with me is all.
that is what part of when they tell you PROTECT yourself means..only I never knew that is what they meant..get a lawyer and protect yourself.
thats part of it.
I am glad it is over for me it was very painful and stressful and I am sorry for your pain.
but protect yourself, he won't care if things bounce but whoever is left on the account will be responsible. so if he removes himself he doesn't have to tell you he signed off the bank won't tell you unless you ask them. so ask them and ask what to do.

Thanks for the responses everyone. I guess I may have been harsh, but I think that comes from asking the same thing of him over and over. That is "Please tell me when you write a check". I have had him to "forget" to tell me about $200+ worth of checks in one week. I was very specific with him as to the checks he wrote before and after the missing checks to jog his memory as to what or where he might have written the check. I didnt mean for it to be demeaning, just needed for him to remember (by the way, he couldnt).
Anyway, he is opening his own account today and will write me checks to put in my account for bills. I have changed all the utilities into my name so that he cant have them disconnected. That will take care of my stress over what he has written out of the bank account that I may not know about.
Yes, I still want to save this marriage, but he is not giving me a thing to work with..I think it may be time for Plan B before I lose the remaining love I have for him. Heaven knows he has been making continual withdrawals from my "Love Bank" as well as from our financial institution.
Again, thanks for the posts, they mean a lot to me. Sometimes you just need that unbiased opinion.

Not familiar with your posts - I've been off here for a while, but the old timers may confuse us!! I used to post under the name "cantletgo" for a long time. And I couldnt. It was like a slow drawn out surgery without anesthesia. They told me time & time again I had to let my now ex-H fall on his own, but my heart wouldnt let me. That was the problem. He was so used to me doing everything for him & when things went wrong - he blamed ME!! My H needed to accept responsability for his own choices.

The money thing sounds familiar. Mine moved out & took out half of our savings (alot!) and checking and opened his own accounts. He called the utility companies & told them take his name off. I almost had the power shut off on me, cause I didnt know there was a deadline!! I had all the bills changed in my name as I remained in the house.

I am guessing that for whatever reason - your H wanted out. Let him go. Give him the freedom he thinks he needs. You have to force yourself. Though, it looks like in a twisted way, those checks kept you two in some sort of contact. Try to avoid heated discussions or hot topics. The hardest thing you can do is go from being his wife to acting like his "friend" but its the only way to go. Part of a Plan A I guess. I could never do the "plans" really, cause he would not allow me to meet his needs whatsoever. I turned myself inside out trying to please him. He told my I was a drama queen/acting/ a manipulator and that my tears were "crocodile tears". I am the most naive soft hearted person ever!! It couldnt have been farther from the truth!!

He had affair with coworker starting right under my nose at work. Adamanetly denied it. The evidence to the contrary was overwhelming. He lied SO much and SO badly and treated me very badly. Not letting him go was only hurting ME. I thought when he dismissed the first filing, it was a good thing. But found him with OW almost immediatley. Only hurt myself. I am still very lonely at times, but learning to live with myself again & rediscover who I am. Take care of yourself & work on change if you feel something needs it within yourself. DOnt worry about him, what he's saying, doing, where hes going etc. Keep yourself busy otherwise with friends (FEMALE), books, recreation etc. Maybe you're at the stage where "doing a 180" would get his attention, but only do what you WANT to do. Dont sacrafice yourself too much.

Mine, Im positive was having a midlife crisis with a whole lotta manic depression thrown in. He calls me once a week these days to see if Im okay. I dont mention the past. I would like to hear him say he's sorry or admit to making "mistakes" (to put it very lightly!!). But he doesnt. I think he is ashamed. I just take it all one day at a time. Its still hard.
Hang in there.

formerly "cant let go"
CLG.