Like my subject says I am very confused about how to take the reactions I am getting from my H. I am the Ws and we are gong through a divorce right now. He says he wants it and wants closure and that maybe after he is allowed to date things and feelings may change. I have been trying to suggest everything from MC to talkin to a priest he says it will go in one ear and out the other. I keep getting conflicting suggestions from friends some saying he wants me to fight for him and others telling me to move on . Some are telling me to sign and others are saying if you wnat to prove you love him dont sign and fight and everytime i suggest that to him he gets bad and angry at me and says if i try to contest he would do anything to get a divorce and says we wouldnt be able to stay friends.What should I do? Just give him the divorce and hope he changes his mind later?

There is also another problem I have if we arent legally divorced and he wants the kids to come over to Korea for the summer can he get custody ? I dont think he would be that vindictive but being as mad at me as he is I wouldnt put anything past him and seeking revenge on me cause that would do it. I may have lost all trust in him but I am a darn good mother and taking them away from me he might as well kill me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by toosad:
<strong>Like my subject says I am very confused about how to take the reactions I am getting from my H. I am the Ws and we are gong through a divorce right now. He says he wants it and wants closure and that maybe after he is allowed to date things and feelings may change. I have been trying to suggest everything from MC to talkin to a priest he says it will go in one ear and out the other. I keep getting conflicting suggestions from friends some saying he wants me to fight for him and others telling me to move on . Some are telling me to sign and others are saying if you wnat to prove you love him dont sign and fight and everytime i suggest that to him he gets bad and angry at me and says if i try to contest he would do anything to get a divorce and says we wouldnt be able to stay friends.What should I do? Just give him the divorce and hope he changes his mind later?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's all fine and dandy what other people say regarding your situation, but the most important question is: What do you want? If it's to have your H and you rebuild your M, then disregard all those that tell you to move on. I would advice you to listen to what you want, and proceed from there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>There is also another problem I have if we arent legally divorced and he wants the kids to come over to Korea for the summer can he get custody ? I dont think he would be that vindictive but being as mad at me as he is I wouldnt put anything past him and seeking revenge on me cause that would do it. I may have lost all trust in him but I am a darn good mother and taking them away from me he might as well kill me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Talk to an attorney and listen to what s/he tells you about your situation.

<small>[ May 15, 2003, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

I dont want a divorce I want to work things out but everytime i mention it to my H he gets all mad and says if i contest it he will still get one and says it will turn ugly and we wont be able to even be friends.We have been married 10 yrs and I cant let go. Maybe it is easier for him to move on cause he was the one betrayed and just wants me out of his life that is why he extended another year over in Korea I am sure. I found old letters we had written each other when he was away before and we sounded so much in love I just wish it could be like that again. I dont understand how two people who seemed so much in love have hurt each other so much. This past year since he was away we both have changed so much that we dont even recognize each other anymore. I have begun to realize just what happened in our marriage and it was broken apart by not fullfilling each others emotional needs. We could always talk but seemed to ignore or put aside problems hoping they would just go away. On my end I think i was afraid to tell him how i felt I was afraid of making him angry or upset so i never said anything. I never felt my opinion mattered cause he would always do the opposite of what i wanted so why even ask my opinion.
The reasons I have come to find out for cheating on him was that I felt unimportant to him and got attention from someone else who made me feel like i was number one and not number 2 on his list. I got to the point where i was so upset with him for having his fun over there (korea)and everytime he was away from us that i would get jealous and think I am doing everything over here holding down the fort taking care of everything family wise and all he had to do was go to work then once he was off he could do whatever he wanted. I felt he was putting his job in front of his family he even had second thoughts about what he was doing a few years ago when he was about to go on a deployment he told me god willing this will be the last time we will be apart and then we can live a normal life. All i ever wanted was a family and now because of stupid mistakes i made in my moment of weakness it is gone.If I could do things over I would of been more open or sought MC before it got to this point.

Hopefully someday in the future we will get back together again but right now the only thing that seems to make him happy is this divorce going through as soon as possible. I wish i could change his mind and prove how i have changed but I dont see how i can everytime I suggest something he gets even madder and brings up what i did and details cause he recorded what i said. I am at a loss dont know what to do anymore.

When was your H's d-day? I ask because if its only a few weeks since he found out, his emotional wounds are going to be fresh and he won't want to even contemplate a reconciliation. You might want to consider not trying to push the subject of marital reconciliation on him for the time being, and just communicate about other things instead. Hopefully, after his pain and anger subside somewhat, he may reconsider his plans to divorce you. Are you going to counseling right now?

P.S. I have an e-book that might be able to help you. If you're interested, I'll gladly send it to you via e-mail.

<small>[ May 16, 2003, 12:10 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

One more thing. There is a big difference between 'wanting' something and 'having' it. Your H may 'want' a divorce, but if the process is started so he could 'have' it, he may not find it to his liking. Keep this in mind.

My H dday was in Dec so it has been months since he has known. Our paperwork was started at that time and all i have to do is sign it and it will be pretty much final. The last conversation we had we discussed child support and he is going to pay more than the state allows which i think is nice of him . What I thought was strange was he asked me if i needed anything for myself and said if i did he would try to send extra money. How do I take that comment? Is he afraid i will ask for alimony or does he still care? He also says he hasnt gotten his orders yet so he cant call the movers to come get our stuff too so we can move back to our hometown. He wants the kids to go over to Korea for the summer but I dont want them to not only am i afraid of it being a foreign country but also afraid once he gets them he will say i abandoned them and try to get custody especailly if the divorce isnt finalized. I dont think he would but I never would of thought he would of extended over there either no matter how mad he was at me. If it were me i would of tried to be with my kids as much as possible especially during this trying time and how confusing it is already to them.I dont know how to take his comments and reactions anymore. Our last phone conversation was pretty nice we just talked about little things we needed to make sure was correct on our papers and i filled him in on the kids and what has been going on with them. We even laughed over something our son did.

Only he knows what he was thinking and it would be very risky trying to put a good spin on it, raising your hopes way up high only to have them crash down. But at least, your last phone conversation with him did end on a good note and if the subsequent phone calls are as equally good, then there may be a chance that his desire to want a divorce may start to fade. As far as sending the kids are concerned, I recomend that you contact an attorney and see what s/he says on the matter, for there may not be any danger of losing them, and besides if your H did pull a stupid stunt like trying to take the kids, it may cost him dearly in the form of a dishonorable discharge.

Thank you for your advice coffee. I hope in the future he changes his mind and we can be together again. In the meantime I will take care of these kids and go to college so I can make him proud of me if only as his friend. I cant believe the things i did and how i hurt him and hope one day he can forgive me. I dont even know the person that was. It makes me sick when I think of the things i did. I can jsut imagine what he feels. I can understand why he doesnt want to be with me if the roles were reversed I dont know what i would do. All I can do now is change for the better and learn from this experience so if we do get back together or we dont I will be able to communicate better and express my feelings better. I am the type that holds everything in and hopes for the best. Its time for me to open up and let my feelings known.
I have talked to my lawyer about the visitation and she says if we arent divorced he can seek custody if he wanted to. I just hope he doesnt do it out of revenge. These kids mean everything to me and if he wanted revenge to hurt me that would do it. I have been a homemaker since we have been married and pretty much raised the kids on my own. I know he didn;t plan on being gone all the time but that is one of the drawbacks of being in the military especially in this day and age.

Toosad I like the way you think and going to college to improve yourself and the lives of your children is indeed worthy of admiration and respect.

Your H may want to seek custody, but let's be honest, who has been the stay at home and consistent parent the children have learned to rely on because the other parent is abroad serving in the military? Who would take care of the children if they were with him? Under those circumstances, almost no judge would grant him custody of the children. Do what you think its best for you and the children.

hi you are aware when you sign the papers that your no longer married and that will mean
"NO MORE BENEFITS FROM THE GOVERMENT" that is probably why he asked you IF you want something.

have you in the papers written something for your medical and things that have been covered by the goverment now.

I know when you get divorced you don't get anything. if you were a widow it is different.

the kids will still be covered. if you can try to talk him into a legal separation till he sends the kids back.
once he gets them there you won't be able to fly free anymore.

I didn't think they were allowed to file for a divorce while gone like they are, I am not sure where I read it but while they are on forget the word..overseas think deployed they ask to wait don't they?

you need to read on the goverment pages what your giving up with a divorce agreement..
and don't believe him when he says maybe you will get back together. mine did that off and on alot.

he might have someone alrleady that your not aware of and it is just easier to do it this way. they use the word closure.
they tell you what you want to hear.
and another thing they do use the kids as pawns.

I am not trying to frighten you. BUT you do need to insist on going with the children IF they go, to let them go alone when they have not been with their dad for awhile is going to put them in a frightning position. also the way the world is today I would not let children go alone, they even suggest that an adult go with them.

my heart goes out to you and your husband..and the children..it is sad that things were done that can't be forgotton and forgiven so easily.

am praying for some miracle for you all, take care and try and talk to someone while youu can on base.nso they also have lawyers and don't charge like civilian lawyers do..
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> go look at the govt pages..just being in Korea gives me the goosebumps as things aren't that great right now.
also what about the Sars epidemic is it not there?
that is a good reason not to allow them to go to.
your children are all you know right now.not him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
EarthAngel.

So, you thought he was screwing around... so you did too? Not a tremendously helpful attitude towards rebuilding or being in a marriage. Also, with him in Korea, it's going to be hard for you to work on you both falling in love with each other... hopefully to stay in love.

Issues:
- No, don't let him take the kids to Korea.
- Don't sign anything till you've talked with a lawyer... does't the military provide counseling in cases like this?
- Work on yourself for heaven's sake. If you and I were together, and I did something to slight you - would you retaliate immediately?
- Divorce sucks. He might change his mind. He might also be testing you to see how badly you want out of the marriage but presenting you with a way out.

too sad I found a website of the US govermment it
will be helpful to you. it also talks about the sars epidemic.
but there are alot of links that you can at least
ask them who best can answer some questions you do have.
right now you are still a dependent...on the goverment they will help you now..
maybe you can talk to a chaplin there to go speak
to your husband..there must be something or someway to just drag it out on your part. you don't have to do anything--Don't send the kids anywhere tell him if he wants to see them to come see them in your home.
here is the website and I am praying for you and your husband...
God help you both to do what is right from here on in..for both of you then your child..
let me know how things go for you.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
earthangel@telcomplus.net
e-mail me anytime

US FORCES KOREA
http://www.korea.army.mil/index1.htm

Sad Eyes: I was reading your post and I got goosebumps when I saw the word closure that is the exact word my H said to me.He says he wants the divorce so he can have closure also he has said I am trying to use the kids as pawns because I am trying to work things out and be a family again.When your S told you they may want to get back together how long did you wait to figure out your S didnt want you anymore and move on? How long should I wait? ( please dont take that statement the wrong way, dating is not even on my mind ) I told him about the parenting class I had to take ( its required for divorcee's) and told him about it and he says he knew they were going to mention this and that ( he didnt take it cause he is over there and they dont have that program).

Also about what I have asked for from him is very little all I have asked for is CS nothing for me not even his pension which after 10 yrs I think I am aloud to get.He asked what I needed like in clothes and such.Thats why I was surprised.

I didnt think they could file either but i guess so he did it while he was here on leave. And the lawyers say it will be 90 days i think till it is finalized.

Lyxa: What did you mean by he is testing me to see how badly I want out?
I know divorce sucks that is why I am trying to do what I can to fix it but him getting upset and mad everytime I suggest it diminshes my hopes.

Man tosad, my situation is so similar to yours its not funny. Except I am on the other end, and my wife is the one that wants to leave.
BTW...I will be in Korea in July. If I could stop from going I would. Wife said that it would make no diff. She would just go tdy anyways.

hi Bungg
hopefully your message will pull her out of the
woodwork.
I also sent her your message in e-mail and am hoping she responds to it by coming to the boards..or e-mail. I have been writting to her and am worried about her. I think she is ok. but it would be good to know if anyone else has heard from her..My last contact was on the 18.
when I hear from you I hopefully will be able to tell you all what she is going to do..or she will post it herself..I asked her to do that..
good luck to you Bungg and maybe if you both talked to a marriage councellor or a minister would help, perhaps persuade her. It is a shame when someone steps out on another..God bless you both and hope you work it out..maybe you can keep in contact with her in mail if things get that bad and she don't want to see you..keep in touch with your little girl by sending her lil trinkets lil girls that age like lil dolls..etc..stuffed animals..she will know it came from you..I know hallmark has a collection of different lil things to collect maybe you can do that for her so she will look foward to that in the mail from you..
I will be praying for you and THANK YOU for serving us..I do appreciate that..Keep On Keeping On.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Bnugg

Dont get me wrong as I have said on my previous posts. I DO NOT want a divorce I am trying to talk my H into staying together but unlike you and alot of people on here my H is not able to work on things he wants a D and that is his final decision.

I really thought it was really selfish of him to extend for another year when he didnt have to at least you have no choice if he had no choice I may feel more sorry for him but I am upset with him that he could do this to his kids when he already had been away from them for a yr already. I am afraid to let them go especially if i dont have legal custody he could say I abandoned them and try to get custody and not bring them back.I just wish he would of gotten stationed somewhere here that way I wouldnt be as concerned.

I think you should go to guam together that way you may be able see your D more often. In your situation since your W is overseas too and whoever gets custody says its ok then it should be no problem. But think about having her visit Korea no matter how my H trys to reassure me it is not too safe over there and with China being so close to Korea I would be afraid of SARS too.

TAke care

toosad

too sad
I will continue contact with you in e-mail
I am glad you came to a decision for yourself.
God go with you..and take care..and know you will
be ok as long as you are walking after the Lord you will be ok..keep your heart set on HIM..
take care and hug the children for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I bet your relatives are thrilled that you are coming home. that will help you all..take care..and please continue to write me..you already have my mail.
Earthangel<+> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />