Oh, Today is soo tough. It is lower than when I heard that the judge signed the divorce papers, April 1st. I guess I have been indifferent & grieving, but not really angry until I guess I finally took off my "rose glasses".

I was to "BUSY" & xWH had his reasons which I shared as the cause of DV. But I haven't really been able to lose my love for xWH. Was I just wearing a different type of glasses to just remember the good. I really made excuses for the disrespect WH did & still does.

I don't know what I am angrier <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> about right now, - yet I know I shouldn't be because I do have soo much that I have that is good.

1. Final hearing suppose to be in Feb., but got postponed until March. WH & OW had already made plans to stay with MIL for a week in AZ.. After they left MIL had a mental breakdown & xWH, SIL, BIL had to move MIL into assisted living home close to family 2000 miles from her home. xWH said he didn't see any problems while he was there. S-16 & I stopped & visited with her, she talked as if xWH & I were still married & was making plans for the family picnic that we always held every July 4th. It was sad, but I still kept my comments to myself. We had a nice visit.

2. xWH asked D to help move MIL, then cancelled. Then asked to help unpack MIL.

3. I am trying to reetablish a relationship between s & D with WH. Being able to stay positive & respectful in front of kids.

4. Two weeks later when WH dropped off s- he talked about his friends having an accident. I thought car - duh - WH talked about having a baby & how sounded excited for them. I didn't understand accident - WH said their youngest was 18. I was like why are you telling me this & just stayed quiet for a couple of minutes. NOV. 01 - I was 4 months & miscarried when he told me he took a new job. Having to be a dad again was the last thing WH wanted. I told xWH that he better leave & wait in the car for S.

(Xwh e-mailed an apology for not meaning to hurt me - I said I knew it wasn't intentional.) That was what got us into this problem - him talking without thinking about the effects it might have on others.

5. D- 21 has been dealing with the disillusion of the father she thought was caring. We discussed her failed 3 classes & will probably be asked to quit that college. We discussed her not having any motivation, & can't concentrate even after going through this rollar coaster since Oct. 2000. She has been hyper-focusing on other things to take her mind away from thinking about her family. She told me today she was going to go back to counseling. We cried a lot together last week & today. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

6. I probably did a no-no _ I was angry & called WH about how our D's college grades have just been getting worse & said I blame it totally on WH. Left it as a message. He expects D to be strong & move on yet he took the easy way & just got a divorce to be with OW. D academic problems are not totally because of partying but because she will participate in other events & not think of school stuff. Xwh did the same thing & didn't finish his college degree.

I am mad about all the people xWH's actions has hurt & I think he doesn't have a clue. I had wanted to get so much done today, & yet I know exactly where D was coming from when she said, she couldn't concentate.

I am asking myself how I can keep loving xWH when he is so disrepectful to all, unless he wants to portary a good image. I am really working on detaching & planing for life without xH. (But really angry because I still love him - I guess angry at myslef more than anything) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

They say it is the darkest before the dawn, well right know I am having some dark moments.

Lupo-lady - I am so glad you are continuing to post our Wed. prayers. I have joined a local group with 3 others. I feel so tried when we finish praying for others.

I have gotten a few things done today, but I have really had to work at them. It is so hard to just keep on track. I know exactly what D has been going though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I guess I just had to vent here because I didn't think I could call anybody else & cry & complain on their shoulders.

Y'know, these feelings will come and go. They're like a fire in the belly though aren't they? And, I always find myself wondering if I've passed some key "phase"...

Here's the truth: these phases can only be called such in hindsight after we've healed. Right now, it's part of the mess... a big snarled mess.

I struggled with love for my xWW for months after we separated. But, it wasn't until she did some things that were so D@MN unlovable, unlovely, and DISGUSTING that my desire for love and the hope of returning love died. Now, I'm grateful for that. But, I am still very truthfully angry at her. Were she to show up tonight, I would answer with cold ice in my voice and tell her to leave and never talk to me again. It's a fire in my belly and continues my desire to move on and FAR AWAY.

Be strong. Eventually, we'll both realize how draining the anger is... and it'll fade to apathy.

Thanks, Lynx

You know I haven&#8217;t felt&#8230; pity, sad, or that angry fire, etc. for a while and I certainly didn&#8217;t like the effect. I was able to focus my mind after writing & venting & paint for a while. My S & I are fixing up a storage house & changing it into a rental. It gives us a project to work on together with the help of the neighbors. Plus every body likes to see me actually doing something. They were real worried last summer &#8211; they didn&#8217;t know that I spent the time mainly reading the bible & self help books.

You are right it is only a phase when you are past it. I certainly didn&#8217;t like feeling the fire left, but it was there & intense. After painting for two hours & I came back home I still had the fire feeling.

I don&#8217;t usually call x , but did call & apologized about the call earlier in the day. But it was kind of rough in spots, but I think at least he will get some counseling for him to communicate with his D & S. XWH thought I was just creating trouble & wouldn&#8217;t be happy unless xwh & OW split up. I told him he was wrong & that I have planned on Xwh & ow getting married. And if nothing else XWH should get some counseling before he gets remarried otherwise he will take our problems into his 2nd marriage. I told him what my counselor said about him using some of D problems to discuss things between them. I said since xwh is using my medical insurance for another 6 months that he should at least use it to help improve his relationships with his kids. His insurance doesn&#8217;t cover mental health care.

I told him I didn&#8217;t care about him & OW any more, but I was only calling because of the concern about D. If xwh thought otherwise, it wasn&#8217;t the case, because I have accepted xwh getting married to OW. You know it felt good to tell him that I hope he would be happy, but I thought he should at least be honest with a new counselor & discuss his old problems.

Some wrote to ask what XWH planned to do to help D & S. I have used that statement twice & each time I feel at least I get him thinking about some one other than himself.

Boy, do I know how draining anger can be&#8230; I can&#8217;t want until it is just shake your head and the love has just atrophied away.

You know what, I think I liked calling on my time & when I want to discuss the kids. XWH can always decide to not talk. But that would be his problem, not mine. I don't talk to xWH unless when he calls S, & I think he should know something I will talk. But then it takes me a couple of hours to unwind & I don't like reponsding to his time.

I also liked saying as far as I was expecting him to get married ASAP & I didn't care. .. ><>