Well, I've been separated from my WW for almost 2 months now. Things have seemed much better betweent us in the last month. The thing is most of the time it is good it is following me helping her out with something or bailing her out of her money troubles. I don't mind helping her out, she is my W still. This thing is I have our D and I am taking her about 1000 miles away for about a week starting next Thursday. I told the W and there is no problem with it. But I gave my W a key to my house about a week ago and she said she would watch the house for me while I'm gone. I told her if she wanted to she could. Is this a bad idea? Hech she even said she might come over here to sleep after work tomorrow. She works second shift so she wouldn't get here till well after Midnight. I'm so confused as to what is going on between us. Seems like one day she wants me to be involved in her life and the next she doesn't. I still havn't given up on getting back together but sometimes I feel that it would be better if we didn't get back together. I'm still waiting for her to get our sep papers notorized. She's had them for over a week now. When I gave them to her she said there was no rush. About a month It was taking too long for her. Back and forth, back and forth.. What should I do? I thought about telling her to back off and stop pleying games with me. I thought about telling her not to call me unless it had to do with our D or unless she was ready to move forward with 'us'. I havn't done any of that yet. I'm afraid that the second I do something like that will be a second before she was going to gome back. I'll stop my rambling. Wish me luck tomorrow.

Yeah. This is a bad idea.

It's a great way to show trust if rebuilding is where you want to go; it is a calculated risk though and you know this. But, you might want to MOVE ALL YOUR VALUABLES out to a safer spot before you take off. Financial docs, titles, whatever it might be...

Agree with Lyxa...get a safe or something to put anything valuable into...or it might not be there for long.

Just don't tell her you're doing this... or you'll destroy any perception of trust.

Can you say CAKE-WALKER!? No wonder she's in no rush to get those papers signed - she just calls you and you bail her out of $$ problems, etc. Now you have gone and given her the key to your house!
If you really want to keep her - it's past due time for Plan B - she's got you running at her beck and call.
JMHO.
Harold

Man oh man oh man... Today sucked.. It was nice for the most part but I ended up telling her I was tired of being dragged around. She didn't take it very well. So what did I end up doing? Going back on my decision AGAIN.. So now we're back to what we were doing.. Pretty much she does what she wants and I just sit here and wait. I can't take this crap. I'm thinking of telling her once and for all to make up her mind. I know this is pretty selfish of me but, she has been nothing but selfish since she left. I feel that this is what would be best for us. Either we work towards fixing our marriage TOGETHER or we move on for good.. I can't take this half and half crap. I feel so happy when I'm with her but when she leaves I feel totally empty. So I figure I would tell her to think this over while I'm out of town with our Daughter. There shouldn't be too many excuses as to why she wouldn't have the time to think this through while I'm gone. I expect her to part ways with me. She just seems like she's full of more excuses for us not to work it out. I refuse to be her door mat anymore. I will continue to help her out when she needs it. Only until the big D is final though. Then if the judge doesn't mandate that I support her I'm not. Thanks for the replies.. I really appreciate it. Maybe one day she will be happy.. Thats all I really want. I have finally realized that it will most likely be without me.

One of my ICs told me that impulsive decisions are the hardest to enforce. I asked for and waffled on dv within minutes of asking 3x! From your posts, I get the sense that you don't yet know what you want, how you're going to respond, and whether you're doing the right thing. You think you know what SHE might do... but you aren't settled on what the right thing for you is.

I suggest that given this (whether true or not), that you wait and do nothing. Keep the status quo... which is her NOT IN YOUR HOUSE... and ride it out until your thinking clears.

My dv only held when I knew I could say, "I want a dv." and then not be swayed by crocodile tears and pleading. In my private moments, I cried, I pleaded with God for a reversal, but to her, I never swayed in that final decision.

Impulsivity is a hallmark of depression. Ride it out. Give yourself (and her) some time. There's nothing wrong with vacilating... as long as you're the only one that knows you're vacilating. Maintain the status quo... and work towards a decision you feel good about.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Keep the status quo... which is her NOT IN YOUR HOUSE... and ride it out until your thinking clears.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What did you mean by the not in your house? See I have up until now been 100% for saving our Marriage. Now after this time up being dragged along I'm starting to wonder. I just don't know if I can keep playing these games with her.. That is why I want to know what road I need to take. Oh well.

Well, incase anyone was following... I have a little update. I think its good. Either that or she's trying to drive me to the funny farm. Anyway. Today she called me and asked me to findout if our bank had a notory for our sep papers. I agreed and called her back after finding out they did. I told her I would meet here there and we could both sign them at the same time. No problems.. After we were done there she asked me if I wanted to go to lunch, so we did. We had a decent time at lunch, talked a little and whatnot. Then after I took her back to her car at the bank we were saying our goodbyes and she leaned over to give me a hug, which we've been doing for a couple weeks now with our goodbyes. Then while we were huging she asked if she could give me a kiss on the cheek, I thought to myself screw the cheek so, I asked her if I could kiss her and she said yes. So we did, it was just a peck type kiss but a nice one, not like a mom kiss.. I was totally blown away by this. Not more than an hour after we became LEGALLY separated. Why the hell did we get it legal months ago? I'm lost once again. I really hope this is for real and she's not messing with me again. This is the first time she has initiated that sort of thing since she left. I'm feeling pretty happy and confused, I leave in a couple days, I guess I'll know more when I get back. I have a day to play with before I have to start driving and was thinking about asking her to spend the day with me.. Too much too fast?

Be careful. That's all I have to say. Right now, at this place in my dv, I regret every act of affection with xWW since the day I formally committed to reconcilliation and counselling. One thing though...

YOU NEED TO GET COUNSELLING. BOTH OF YOU TOGETHER. AND YOU SHOULD PROBABLY INVEST IN SOME IC FOR JUST YOU.

Well, we are both in IC.. She hasn't wanted to go to MC. I havn't asked her in a while though. I have mentioned that I still was willing to go and I was just waiting on her to give me the go ahead to set it up. I know I should be careful but at the same time I want us to be together so bad its hard to be defensive.

Set it up and go. If she comes, great. If not, use it as IC. I hope that very soon you'll be off this forum and into In Recovery. But, dude, I'm going to tell you... your posts and stuff... you seem kind of anxious and desperate, walking on eggshells with everything. That's not a healthy place for you to be making significant life-altering/setting decisions.

It's not fair to you or her to waffle forever in whatever your status quo is... but as someone implied with the cakewalker comment, Plan A and Plan B are not about being a doormat as much as they are about YOU being able to make a decision with a clear conscience and no regrets - whether its to stay together or end it. What are your boundaries? What do you want? I dont' expect you to post your answers here, but I do want you to know that it's okay to buy yourself time to figure out what you want to do.

You're going to make some mistakes... just make sure that you aren't going to regret them. On the one hand, she's your wife, so kiss her. On the other hand, she might not be your wife for much longer... 5 years from now, what will you regret? Someday, you're going to be with a loving, caring woman... if she asks you about this time, will you regret it if she finds out certain things... use that perspective if you can and steer clears of actions now that will create regret later on. You might not be able to see what YOU want... but eventually and hopefully, you'll have the blessed opportunity to be with someone you WANT. What would this person, 5 years from now, advise you to do with yourself... with your separation... with your divorce? See yourself from her eyes if you can't see yourself through your own.

Good luck m'friend.

<small>[ May 19, 2003, 10:22 PM: Message edited by: Lyxa ]</small>

Thanks Lyxa, I know it seems like I'm anxious but really I think it's okay a little bit. I'm not overly anxious. I'm not desperate though. If it seems like it I'm coming across wrong. I have pretty much set my life course in the direction without my W. But I have left a couple of detours just incase. I'm doing much better with everything since I did this. I've been living my life for me and my Daughter, Yes I still go out of my way to help my W, she is my W still.. Yes, I take every opportunity to spend time with my W, eventually I might not get any time so I'm taking advantage while I can. I don't think those are desperate though. I like your idea of me setting up the MC and seeing if she shows up.. I think I might do that when I get back. Things are much better between us now compaired to 2 months ago.. Back then she totally refused MC but, she also refused to spend time with me or kiss me too... Thanks again.

She's messing with you BIG TIME!
If she was being mean to you how would you feel?
Would you want to give her money? Have you heard the expression about drawing flies with honey?
Maybe I'm just being a tad judgmental but I smell a rat.
I think counseling is a good idea, however, you need to set boundries. Accept for counseling, I would stick to Plan B.
I agree with Lyxa about knowing what you want. It's hard to know for sure. I don't think we ever really know for sure. I say go with your gut.
My gut says she's playing you.
I am a woman after all. I can easily see her angling to strike.

Aly

Aly, I suppose I should have gave a little more detail.. The main reason I just think she is confused and really does want to get back together is because of our sep papers.. She agreed to waive all support from me. She agree to let me have our daughter during the separation, mostly because I'm in the military and she knows if we get Divorced I will rarely get to see my daughter. She also waived the right to my retirement. Those are most of the reasons I don't think she would play me that way.. She knows that I have most of the power to hurt if I wanted to. Not that I would but I defidently could if it came down to it. I do understand your skepticism though, I was too untill she actually got the sep papers notorized. My bigest thing though is the fact that she wants/wanted? me to change so many things about myself.. Some of the things are defidently needed and I have agreed and have or am currently working on changing. Most of them deal with me being a lazy [censored] and not taking care of our child and whatnot. Those things I agree 100%. Some of the other things though I just don't know. I will make the effort to be more understanding and things like that. But at the same time she has said that she wants to do a lot more things, some of which I don't agree with. Should I pretty much just sit down with her and hash things like this out? Then decide if its worth it at all or what? I thought about it but I guess I'm probably afraid of what the outcome might be. Maybe its too soon for that. Thats why I would like us to get in to see a MC. Money isn't a problem when it comes to and MC or IC, its all free for me and her. I just keep praying and hopeing. I'm doing what I can and just waiting for her to see the light. It does look like her eyes are finally opening. I just hope there opening to see me and not to see a way to screw me..