All,

I just got out of a brief relationship with a young lady after my divorce. I had met her during class while my WW was in the midst of her affair.

We held casual conversations in the class, but never met or did anything outside of class in a social situation. She knew of my situation during this time and we discussed it on one occasion towards the very end of my marriage.

After my D was finalized, I contacted her, as I hadn't spoken to her in a few weeks. We went out a few times, and it ended this week. Most likely it was because I had very strong feelings for her...probably going back to the conversations that I had during the classes we had together. She tells me she is not sure what she wants from a relationship, but it is most likely because I came on too strong after a few dates. When she cancelled our date this past week, she mentioned that she felt like a rebound.

I'm fine with this, and I think it is for the best. I know that I do not need a relationship right now, as I have some personal housecleaning to do first. I talked to her on the phone today, as we have an upcoming class and I wanted to let her know that things won't be awkward when we are working together in class.

My dilemma is this...I have been thinking of writing her a thank you letter of sorts for the support that she gave to me in a time of need for me and that the relationship (although brief) gave me some hope for the future. However, this may be seen as weird and clingy. I don't want to pursue a relationship with her, and I don't want to give her that idea.

Is this just a bad idea, or something worth doing?

Yeah. It's a bad idea. <grin> While polite and noble, I think there's a 90%+ chance that your intentions will be way misread. Just play it cool. Be nice and polite. If you really want a shot with her... let her see you with other women... let her see that it wasn't just a "rebound" and that you've got serious potential. If she's interested, the challenge will bring her back as long as you don't push her away or pull her in too much. <ignores the obvious fishing analogies and comparisons of dating to fishing>

Notes that I'm like the last person to be giving anyone advice. What I just said is from several dating books I've read... which I have yet to successfully implement myself. ;-) Good luck. But don't do anything overtly "relationship"y.

I don't want to seek a relationship with her...what I want to do is thank her for support that she gave. When I talk about her giving hope, it wasn't for a relationship with her, but more that the divorce wasn't the "end of the world".

You are probably right about it being a bad idea...the more I think about it after actually writing it down, it seems a bad idea.

When I talked to her today, I said nothing about another chance at a relationship, merely letting her know that I didn't want things to be awkward between us. We are in a group for a class and need to write a group paper together. There are only 3 in the group, and I don't want this to affect the work. I could tell in her voice that she wasn't too thrilled to hear from me when I called, but the conversation went for a few minutes and seemed to go well. I ended the conversation, and did not bring up any mention of wanting another chance, etc. I know that I can restrain myself from asking her out and being overly flirtatious around her.

I think I could be friends with her, and I would not like to see her exit my life completely after the class is over.

Also, I went out and bought The System today, so that I can read more about what I have done wrong in my previous relationships and maybe get some advice on what to do when I resume dating.

I think right now is best to take a few months off from dating and take a vacation, concentrate on grad school, construct more social circles, join a divorce support group, get involved in some charity work, etc.

This way I can make myself happy...before relying on someone else to make me happy.

Sounds like you've already figured it out. I understand your intent... were I in your place, I'd be thinking a Thank You card and a gift... maybe dinner and flowers. LOL. Even though I know that'd be WAY TOO MUCH.

Be forewarned about The System... it takes a long time to be mailed. LOL. And, when you get it, you'll kind of wonder what you're supposed to do next. I actually kept a notebook that I wrote notes into for things like:
- The Approach and Asking Her Out
- Signs of High Interest
- Red Flags and Run For Your Life Signs
- First Date Do's and Do Not's
- Bottomline Factors
- Reality Factors
- Dating and Relationships up to 60 days
- D&R after 60 days
- Getting out of a Relationship Gracefully

I was kind of expecting the format to be more chapter oriented, when it fact it's more topically oriented, like a dictionary.

hey hoping--

Where are you located? What are you studying in grad school? I haven't posted on here in a long time, but read your thread and wanted to ask you some things. I am a BS too and have found dating really difficult. I think I expect too much from someone too soon...does that make sense? Anyway,
hope to hear from you.

Truth

<small>[ May 17, 2003, 10:54 PM: Message edited by: truthiseek ]</small>

hoping4best

if you only went out a few times, you didn't have a relationship, you had an interest. . .

you need to look at having fun, not dating. . . forget looking for another W or such. Just go out and meet women and have fun learning about YOURSELF, what kind of woman you might like, and what red flags you see and don't like.

geez, everyone gets so serious about the concept of dating right after divorce, they should go out and just have fun, and learn about themselves, and resotre their self esteem in their own eyes that fun can be had again.

oh, and forget the card, just buy the book, "If the Buddha Dated" by Charlotte Kasl, and read it to understand what red flags are, and then just join some coed groups, learn some new activities, go on some weekend trips through some social clubs.

wiftty

wiftty

How long did it take to receive? My order confirmation said it would be shipped in one day!!! Surely it can't take that long to be delivered.

I don't want to do too much, except let her know that she (maybe without realizing) had done something that very positively affected my life. That's the issue. At this point, how do you convey that message without appearing to be some sort of weirdo who won't take no for an answer?

Sometimes I think she may have lost interest...but something else says that she didn't want to be a rebound relationship. Her buying signals indicated that she was seeking long-term, but the day after date #3, I sent her an email explaining that I had fun and liked how things were going, but wanted to move slow. We emailed back and forth, as I think she panicked that she was being dumped, and in an effort to assuage her fears, I did write that I liked her and thought this could be the start of something really good. The next date was sort of awkward, as we didn't discuss the issue, but it wasn't a bad date. There were about 4 days between this and the next scheduled date, and she cancelled due to it being awkward, not knowing what she wants, timing being bad for both, not wanting to be a rebound, etc.

I know that women will never tell the real reason, but when we talked today, I told her it was fine if she wasn't interested, but she seemed quick to rebutt that comment and state that the problem was that she didn't want a relationship. The system will tell me I ceased being a challenge when I told her I liked her.

Maybe I'm just being stupid and thinking that this time she really meant what she said. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (Sorry girls!)

Either way, it doesn't matter. There is plenty of time to find other women.

Hey Hoping,

If you are around now, would you like to talk. I am divorced and just wanted to ask you some questions and get a guy's point of view on them. Thank you

Truth

I'm hanging around...

What part of the country do you live in? and what are you studying in grad school? I am starting in the fall myself in the master's program at Rutgers univ. for Biology.

I know I had pretty much the same post D relationship you did. I thought I was ready, but I found myself not feeling the way I should if I really liked him...it is hard to explain. It has been only a year since the d was final, so I am just learning to be okay with just being by myself.

How bout you? How are you doing with all of it. Do you still have good thoughts about the ex, then angry thoughts at other times??? It is all so perplexing isn't it? It actually SUCKS sometimes! We are all forever changed by what we have been through that is for sure.

Well, feel free to write back if you want. Thanks

Truth

Wifty - relationship, interest...what's the difference? I know it was very early and short in duration, but I learned a valuable lesson from it. I have decided to work on myself and not worry about a relationship. I used the word relationship because I've known her for a while. I got a little ahead of myself and probably scared her off...We had tons of fun before the going slow comment was made. Things were light and easy.

truth

-I'm in the St.Louis area in a small town on the Illinois side of the Mississippi River. Currently, I'm in an MBA program, as I currently work in computers and want to move into other areas of business (Finance and Econ).

I really liked this girl, so it may have been a little different from your situation. Everything progressed quite well until any sort of relationship discussion started. Then it fell apart. I know what you mean about being ok by yourself. I was a little leery of spending sat night by myself, but it really isn't that bad. I've actually enjoyed my evening better than some nights when I do go out. I do know I have a lot of work to do in this department though.

As far as how I'm doing about the divorce, it's hard to explain. I'm happy that it is finalized and done. However, the financial strings still aren't cut until the house sells. That might take a while. Really, that is all that makes me angry, because I'm in a half-furnished house waiting to move and rebuild my life until it is sold because I don't want to pay rent and half the mortgage at the same time. I'd prefer to save some money. It pi**es me off that I'm stuck here because of her affair. My history doesn't go back too far with the X, as we started dating in late 98 and got married in 7/00 (do you see a pattern of fast moving here? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). She started the affair in 1/02, so really, I'm quite removed from having any sort of healthy relationship with her. It makes me mad that she not only did this to me, but ruined my circle of what I thought were close friends. OM was an usher in our wedding...how sick is that?

I'm getting over the relationship and rebuilding, just trying to move on...

How's Newark? Don't know if you are a hockey fan, but I'm pulling for NJ to win the Stanley Cup since my beloved Blues are done again.

I'll still be around for a while if you want to reply.

hoping,

I don't live in Newark...thank God! I actually live near princeton in a little town called hillsborough...it's an old farming community, but is very built up now. I moved here from NC, where I am originally from, in Sept of 01 for a job at the pharmaceutical company where I am part of the veterinary services group. I don't have any children from my marriage...which is a blessing. I was married for 4 years, with him for 9, and should have seen the red flags from the beginning. Actually I did see them, I just chose to ignore them. I blamed it on his immaturity...he was three years younger than me. But, he started his EA/PA in the third year of our marriage while he was overseas. It sucked finding out and it sucked even worse when he told me he wanted to get a divorce because he loved her. So, I gave him what he wanted and he never looked back. Her husband gave her a divorce as well. But, I wonder after knowing someone for only three months and both being cheaters, just how healthy is their relationship now. Now they are living in reality you know, paying bills, dealing with car issues, house issues. These are a far cry from their little rendezvous they had while they were together in Korea and it was their little secret. I wonder if their flames are dying down now? hehe

Well, so I moved up to Joisey to work and move forward in my life. I wasn't gonna stop and die, although sometimes I felt like it. I bought my own condo and I have a great job. I am not much of a bar hopper, unless I go out with my girlfriends occassionally. So, I really don't frequent places where I might find an interesting specimen of the opposite sex. I think maybe I could meet someone when I start class in the fall, but I am in no rush for that. I tend to be quite picky, and even more so now after all this crap I have gone through. Well, write back if you can...can we pm on this site?

I don't know much about Jersey since I'm a midwestern kid. I've only been to the East Coast once, and that was just to DC (which is still a few miles from you) when I was 10. However, I have a friend who has been doing a lot of travel out there recently. He wasn't too keen on the area, but that's because he had to go there a lot this past winter (bad weather while out there) and he's a newlywed who really missed his wife. For some reason, I think he was in Newark...

I have no kids either, and I'm very thankful for that. I think divorce affects both kids and parents in such a sad way.

I'm not much into the bar scene either (although I do enjoy an occasional beer or few)...never really have been, so I can relate to not finding quality members of the opposite sex. I would much prefer to have smaller get togethers where you actually spend more quality time with people.

If you do meet someone in class, make sure you aren't in a workgroup with them before striking things up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'm hugely picky with women to start, but once I get going, I'm hooked. That was definitely the problem in the case at the start of the thread. So while I appear to be calm, cool, and aloof, I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. I think it's partly the product of the music I listen to and the books I read.

What kind of music do you listen to...let me guess the progressive kind!??? And books, maybe philosophy...just a guess...cause I dunno.

A romantic at heart...that's probably what 99.9% of us women want...but just can't seem to find!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Myself, I just pretty much work...alot and am lazy on the weekends for the most part. I will sometimes take a trip to Atlantic City and do a little gambling, drinking, partying...but that can get expensive, especially if you are losing! I like to go out and hunt for antiques...that's part of the southern girl in me I think! I am 34, so sometimes I feel like my life is moving faster and faster and maybe I will wake up one day at 40 and still be single with no kids...now that WILL suck! Hopefully not though.

You sound like you are doing well after all of this D stuff. I think guys have a better handle on their emotions than women do, so of course they experience the same hell, but just seem to move through it better than us girls. We girls tend to wallow in it...sometimes for way longer than we should...I am speaking from experience here! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

write back

I don't know if girls want a hopeless romantic. They want someone who is romantic, but not someone who falls head over heels right away. I also have this small problem of not being able to actually put my romantic feelings into action. I guess you could say I'm a lazy, but helpless, romantic. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I listen to Dave Matthews Band, Ben Folds, David Gray...mostly men whining about failed love.

And for books...for some reason right now I'm really into reading F.Scott Fitzgerald. Of his books, I've read Great Gatsby and This Side Of Paradise during the past year. Tried Tender Is the Night, but couldn't get into it. Just recently picked up Last Tycoon, but haven't started it yet because I'm reading Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut (FYI, it's not a romantic book).

We have places to gamble around here, but they only let you do it if it is on a riverboat. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'll occasionally go there and one of my buddies is trying to get me to go out to Vegas sometime this summer. I want to wait till this house is sold though.

I'm doing ok with the divorce. It seems to be getting better as time goes by. More and more I realize that it's for the best. You can't change the past, so why try. I think you'll do better once you get involved with your classes and have an escape. Guys dwell on things a while too, they just don't show it (at least in my case). I'm sure you'll get through it.

I was gonna say dave matthews...or Nirvana hehe
My reading consists lately of veterinary literature...things about the species I work with etc.. I did read "Who moved my Cheese" last week. Our company CEO sent one to everyone in our entire US force...it was enlightening. It kind of reminded me of me...the message is don't stay in the same place when things aren't going the way they should. You should move with the cheese and don't stay behind waiting for the cheese to come back to you...
I have always wanted to do the riverboat thing. My dad has been a couple of times on those and said they are alot of fun. I really want to go to Mardi Gras next year! I have been wanting to go for the past few years, but just never seem to get the time to go or make the arrangements soon enough.
I am looking forward to starting school again...I actually miss it...now that is crazy! I am gonna be taking one class at a time to finish my masters. I will be starting with marine biology in the fall and it should be a good class since we will also be taking fieldtrips.
Mostly, I do want to meet someone who I feel good about and who I don't compare to my exh. I know I want to be married again, but to who is the question. I know what I want, but I just can't find it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
well, nice chatting with you and write back if you can.

DMB is best, but I also do like Nirvana.

Who Moved My Cheese was great and I'd highly recommend it to anybody. I tend to wait around for things to get better too, and I am realizing that is not exactly the best thing to do. The professor of one of my classes had us do self assesments, which included reading a book of this sort and writing a report on the book and it's relation to your own personal life. Needless to say, I didn't have to search far to find a topic!

The Mardi Gras around here is fun, but I don't think it compares to New Orleans's. I've never been down there for theirs.

How long does it take to do your masters program in biology? My MBA is only 10 classes since I've taken many of the early courses for the program when I did my undergrad degree and they were waived for the grad program.

It has been fun chatting...although it is time for bed now...

Hey Hoping,

My master's program is 30 hours total. I have 5 years to complete it since I work fulltime. The majority of my classes are at nite or on Saturday. I have one to two classes that will transfer from my undergrad work into the MS program. I am starting with one class in the fall, Marine Biology, and it will be on Saturday. I am able to take 12 hours of courses before I become accepted into the program. I still have to take my GRE...which I really dread! It is more of a game for the mind than testing your knowledge! But, I am studying for it...hehe I bought the book GRE for dummies...hope it will help! Have a great day!

Truth

I used to think that women wanted a romantic, but all the evidence I see with my own eyes suggests that women want whatever it is that they don't currently have. It's easy to find guys who are nice, but very hard to be in a relationship with them. A guy that is not in love with you will act one way; that same guy in love is often too accomodating to the woman to be interesting for very long.

What do guys want? <smiles> We usually want whoever is right in front our eyes right now. Very elemental that way. Missing a few key attributes... no problem, we'll credit you with all those things.

Logically, we all know our ENs and what we NEED... but emotions foul things up... and how often do we fall in love with someone that logically we know won't work for us?